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The human race has come upon a crossroads.

The societies and suburbs and non-civilized and re-civilized nations of this pale blue dot we call Earth are about to reach the pinnacle of technological advancement. Soon our growth of knowledge and power will leads us to build cities upon cities only imagined in sci-fi magazines of the fifties. Although each of our cultures are different in their growth and knowledge, it is of no doubt that the growth of the global population will soon blast away any notion of “leg room.”

And as our technology and the use of it increases, so too does the harm we inflict upon our atmosphere and ice caps and rivers and oceans. Drastic action must be taken now if our future is to be the utopian metropolis so dreamed of by scientists and artists alike. If we do not at least try to solve these problems, our future will likely resemble the dystopian crumbles of machinery and toxic waste dreamed of by nihilists and anarchists alike. The utopia I speak of is one thriving in technological stability and mechanical paradise. The utopia I envision for Earth lets human beings sustain themselves indefinitely in perfect tranquility. For the greater good of humanity, I propose only one simple solution to combat the dystopian future. My proposal is but one among many that must be considered, and the ramifications of following through with it and others like it could significantly reduce pollution and overpopulation as well as increase productivity among the united people of Earth.

That wonderful vehicle of status, commerce, and family bonding is my greatest concern at the moment. I speak of course of the car, the small to midsize personal vehicle that runs through our cities in droves like blood vessels replenishing people to and from their destinations quickly and effectively. The car is one of the most important technological advancements in history, as it allows each individual that can afford one to become instantly ten times as efficient. With a car, one could expedite their job, thereby making money faster, but one could also increase their range of travels greatly, allowing themselves to spend money faster. The car is an adrenaline injection into the veins of the economy. However, that lovely little oil guzzling combustion engine wrapped in chrome and plastic and fitted with one or more happy non-pedestrians causes quite a bit of carbon emissions. This is no surprise to you, I hope. Several methods have been introduced to reduce these emissions, ranging from bio-diesel which only halts the progression of more CO2 to ethanol which introduces an entirely new resource to deplete. All of these suggestions have merit in the realms of problem solving, but all do still rely on a resource that can potentially be depleted. Surely if we have a chance of reaching technological utopia, the dependence on oil for our beloved car must be remedied. Is there any resource that mankind can harvest or make that will never deplete? The only resource is of course man himself.

Instead of relying on oil, corn, water, hydrogen, or any sort of thing dependent on the slow and sluggish Mother Nature, why not turn to the industrious human? Our population has been increasing exponentially since the industrial age, and will only continue to do so. To ignore human beings as a renewable resource would be to ignore potentially the greatest source of energy since the discovery of fire. The fire within us, the heart and brain and electricity that majestically flows through our veins screams out in need of attention. Everyone was horrified when the machines did it to us in the Cohen brothers’ The Matrix, but let us step back for a moment and ask ourselves, “Wouldn’t I make the perfect battery?”

The possibilities for humans as batteries are of course endless, but let us focus on the matter at hand: Cars as people. Through use of an entirely random, equal, and unbiased selection of humans that dominate the lower cultures of earth, we can install bodies onto the frameworks of our vehicles and harvest the electrical energy of these humans through simple wires, cables, tubes, and conductors. The human battery would be the only energy component in the car, supplying electricity to the normal various things we already have in our cars. This vehicle would only require a basic supply of proteins, grains, vegetables, and sugars. If people were used as cars, the rate of growth of technology and industry would continue to rise, yet the amount of physical space for each person on the planet would at first increase rapidly, then decrease at a much slower rate than usual. Think of the tragically huge masses of homeless and unemployed that will suddenly find themselves an integral piece of the puzzle once again. They will be employed by the economy itself, their salary being the exponential growth of our society.

I wake up and take a shower. I get dressed and make two egg-and-bacon sandwiches with toast. I eat the first one, then head out the door carrying the second one in my hand. I hop in my sleek and new Gerald Z40 and lift up the dashboard. “Morning, Gerald,” I say to my car. “I made your favorite. Except we’re out of jam.” “Damn shame,” Gerald says, though he takes the sandwich with vigor. “It’s always a smoother ride with jam. Oh, but never ravioli. No, Chef Boyardee is definitely not food for thought. Horrid stuff.”

Humans, Americans especially, can be obsessed with their vehicles. If cars were people, we could actually carry on a conversation with them. Our cars would be our subservient friends, accompanying us in traffic jams, killing the time on long business trips, and ultimately enriching every driving experience one can partake in. To be able to transform the unspeaking hull of a combustion vehicle to a living, breathing vessel is too enticing to pass up. Do not consider the conversion of humans to vehicles dehumanizing, rather it actually brings different humans closer together. I may never have met Gerald if he were not converted into a vehicle, and I consider my relationship with him extremely beneficial in terms of my social life and his. Gerald has few to talk with aside from myself and a few of my friends at sporadic periods of the day, so his contributions to conversations can be somewhat eager at points, but I believe that he enjoys talking with us nonetheless. That connection between people of different backgrounds has only before been accomplished through traveling or by mere circumstance, but with cars as people we are exposed to all the cultures of the Earth while we drive through the magic of technology.

There is a school of talk moving about suggesting that humans may not be as efficient as combustion engines, that it would take several bodies to power even a personal vehicle. This is not what the argument is about, it has never been about that. The technology is there, we merely need to put it to proper usage. Science has always taken its greatest achievements directly from science fiction, and if this holds true in this case, humans will be extremely efficient and cheap batteries. There are much worse things we could do with humans. Things that have even been thought of and written of in newspapers and godforsaken magazines. I am speaking of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal wherein he suggests that the most convenient solution to overpopulation would be to cook and eat infant children. What vile pith of humanity did this Swift character crawl from to even suggest we use humans for food? Such a barbaric practice is surely not for the utopian future, but for the history books and museums and fiction stories. No, the most noble use of our abundant human resource is surely as pure energy.

The notion of equality is a complex matter. If our cars were humans yet unable to move by their own will, would that make them slaves? Of course it would not. Slavery was abolished more than one hundred years ago, and shall never return to the utopian society of our future. Batteries, as we know them today, are interchangeable and rechargeable. So too will be the human battery, as it needs recharging just like any living thing. We will treat our subservient humans as equal, but separate in purpose when it comes time to go somewhere. We all have little discomforts in our lives, and the human beings put in the position of cars will simply have to cope. We should feel no more remorse for them than for the kindergarten teacher who must cope with noisy children or the fireman who must cope with the intense danger and stress of saving humans from a burning building. In the grand scheme of industrialization and growth, we are all a part of the process that leads toward progression. The particular humans used in vehicles will be a great contribution to that wonderful progression, and a noble one at that. Their purpose is to fulfill the energy needs of the industry’s most common form of transportation. And they will provide that majestic energy with no pollutive or extraneous consumption of resources.

We can think of this as a profession. I may be a graphics designer, but my friend Gerald happens to be my car. And what a relaxing job he has, with no boss to complain to him or any tasks to complete. He can merely sit there and be used like a happy little 11,000 V Duracell. Cars will be just like everyone else. When I arrive at my office, Gerald will coast on into the garage and hang out with the other cars. When I drive home at night Gerald will get out of the frame and sleep in a comfortable bed in my garage at home. Gerald needs no fiscal compensation, that is not his purpose. As a car, Gerald’s purpose is to feed the economy energy that will not bite back. Gerald’s energy does not pollute, it does not take up space, and it will never run out. Gerald knows this, and this knowledge of his gift to the global economy is all the compensation he needs. If we were to pay cars, we would only be draining unnecessary dollars from the global industry. Humans can build this utopian future, but humans must also sacrifice their own energy in order to sustain this utopia. As a technologically and culturally emancipated globe, we must work together to reach utopian harmony. This will require respect for one another. Humans will need to show the greatest respect for advancement by using their own bodies to fuel cars.

The benefits of cars as people are potentially grandiose beyond comprehension. Whereas ethanol requires an insurmountable area of corn farmland, cars as people requires no more space than we already consume. Whereas oil consumption scratches away at the ozone and endangers our planet of becoming several degrees too warm, cars as people will provide the opposite with a sharp decrease in carbon emissions. If a random selection of humans are to be assigned the position of car, will that have an adverse effect on areas of science and government? Although the selection process for assigning humans to be cars is to be unbiased and random, we must consider why we are using ourselves as energy in the first place. This is to better our industry in hopes that the future will resemble our utopian dreams. We cannot have the Einsteins and Franklins and Beethovens of our time be whisked from their work and set to such an anti-intellectual task. This is why we will employ demographic analysts to survey the human race and determine a particular person’s scientific value if and when that person is randomly chosen to be a car. Anyone who is deemed scientifically or intellectually advanced enough will be labeled a “shaker”. Anyone who does not quite fit these requirements will be labeled a “mover”. Movers will only be assigned to car duty if there is a need for them. Otherwise, the movers will be allowed to continue on in trying to increase their scientific capabilities to be that of a shaker, or to pursue other interests that do not directly advance the global industry but are still useful, such as the arts. The process will still be unbiased–it will merely be adjusted so that we do not waste great minds in our advancement.

Technology is what will lead us to utopia. Progression of the global industry is what is important. War, peace, and love all shrink before the towering importance of technological growth. Sacrifices must be made in order for the future to be as perfect as it can be. Some may see cars as people as a sacrifice, even though it really is not, but if that is the case then so be it. Science leads us forward each day in new advancements and technologies, and cars as people is a perfect expediter of that process. To reject this proposal would be to reject technology. That is the worst kind of blasphemy. Our scientists need room to research, to create, and to think. We must help them or at least not get in their way if they are to lead us to paradise.

So, as we stand at this crossroads between utopia and dystopia I implore you to hear my call to action. We must solve our energy problems as well as overpopulation, and with cars as people we can take a large step in the right direction. Mine is not the only proposal; there are many voices that need to be heard on this matter. There is still a problem in public transit, shipping, and small vehicle fuel consumption and carbon emissions. But with cars as people, we will have taken a large step forward in terms of productivity by utilizing humans to their fullest. Movers and shakers alike will contribute to the global industry in their own way. If we can use our resources to their fullest extent, we can have a better chance of making the future more magnificent than any poet or scientist could possibly imagine.