Going Green, Really

Everywhere you turn these days somebody’s talking about how “green” they are, it’s the new buzz word in our collective conscious we use to denote to others our commitment to saving our environment. Although the actual level of our commitment is a little fuzzy.   It’s the new lemming of our generation, if one jumps off the cliff everybody jumps off the cliff.  Some people actually incorporate many of the green principals into their lifestyles by doing things like recycling EVERYTHING, using mass transit, and eating what they grow.  In an attempt to live more greenly, my husband and I are taking the unusual step to actually paint ourselves green, not the bright Kelly green, but a more subdued, natural mossy green color.  As it appears in our DNA code, we humans are naturally a competitive breed whether it be making the most money, getting to the food first at a buffet, or beating another car off the line at the  traffic signal, whatever we choose to do, we want to do it better, grander, and quicker.  By actually being green, we won’t have to prove to anyone our commitment to the environment, since it will be plainly visible from the International Space Station.

My husband and I are truly going green for several reasons.  First, we really don’t think anyone can top our commitment to being green and so we won’t have to indulge other faux greenies at parties who are trying to claim the bragging rights to recycling like they’ve found a cure for cancer or split the atom.   Secondly, we won’t have to answer that annoying question at the grocery store…paper or plastic?  Please put our grocery items, most of which are packaged in plastic, into a paper bag so we can live with ourselves.  People will assume we drive some kind of hybrid vehicle, which would be partially true as we own a large-ish SUV which is a hybrid of a monster truck and a minivan, assuming they would actually produce offspring in real life.  Others may get the impression that we wear clothing that comes from domestically grown hemp that has not been dyed, starched or chemically processed.  Only we will know that the natural fabric we are wearing can only be made from a rare tree found only in the ever-shrinking Amazon rainforest chosen specifically for its ability at highlight our green skin in any light. 

There are some practical benefits of being green which make this a great idea.  We won’t get lost in a crowd…with everyone staring, gasping and pointing we’d be found instantly thus ending any potential criminal career, which really never took off anyway.  Another benefit for going green is that our teenage children will have perfect grades and behavior lest we show up at school in all of our glorious greenness.  We’d be freaks or some type of novelty item, either way we’d be a popular fixture at parties.  Finally, and really the best of all, we will not ever get pinched on St. Patrick’s Day again.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the health of the environment, but it’s just cool.

Maybe this movement will catch on and others will go green, I mean really go green.  It’s always nice to have company.