I Heart Global Warming

Concern

Oh my god people, global warming is coming. The ice caps might melt if we don’t do something soonish, those nice fluffy polar bears will die, and animals are facing extinction: make sure you switch off your lights and turn your TV’s on standby. But let me tell you it’s ok to buy our product, because it’s now greener than ever. Yes, consume away, because for every time you buy our product, we’ll plant some grass which will soak up that nasty CO2. So continue to enjoy!

Major Concern

Listen people this is getting serious now, the ice shelves at both poles are melting faster than ever, and we’re getting some seriously weird weather these days. No, no, no. As we’ve stated, the more you consume and buy, the bigger chance we have of getting out of this mess. We’ve now planted over 3 million acres of grass now, so we’re making headway here.

Panic

Ok, so those folks in China and India are burning the equivalent energy of 20,000 power stations a day, but it’s ok, because we’ve contracted out all our work to them so WE can be carbon neutral, and we know that if we lead by example it’ll be ok. Please do not panic – yes we’re losing 20 species a month to extinction, but if you buy our anti-terrorist insurance (which I’m sure you’ll agree is a greater threat), you can be protected. We’ve now managed to cover an area the size of Wales, yes, Wales, in grass, so it’ll be ok. Buy our product safe in the knowledge that you’ll be saving the planet. “Buying your planet back for your great-great grand kids!”

Resignation

 Alot of scientists are complaining that we’ve lost 7/8ths of the polar ice caps, but let’s face it people, nothing really grows in ice does it? Besides, we’ve got a whole lot of lush, green grass to enjoy thanks to our carbon off-setting programme. We’ve now covered the whole of France! We hear alot about the fact that we’ve lost 45,000 species of animals, but let’s face it people there are a lot of people on this planet now, so we’ll all have more room. The major threat to our freedom is terrorism: We’ve known for some time that Islamic fundamentalists were disguised as polar bears, hiding out in the Torra Borra mountains. Now they’re all dead, we’ve almost got rid of the Taliban. Our product goes from strength to strength – and we now live on a lush green earth.

Acceptance

Isn’t this weather great? Apart from the long nights, you just wouldn’t know it was winter. All the girls look so cute with their blistered skin, and our product, in association with Big Brother and Heat magazine are offering you the chance to fly to Mediterranean desert to those must-have all over body blisters. Just buy any one of our products, cut out the coupons (chuck the packet on a landfill site – doesn’t it feel liberating?) and send it in. It could be you. The 50 runners-up will win FREE sterilisation. Yes! Beat the 5 year government waiting list! Make sure you’re one of the first to be sterilised – after all would you want to be the laughing stock of your floating neighbours when they find out your polluting the planet with KIDS? Free grass for next 100 runners-up! Remember. We can beat Mother Nature – together!