After the Divorce

Divorce is not just the dissolution of marriage, save for those who have no children, no family and have been living separate lives.

When there are children, family, mutual friends, social networks, divorce becomes a lot more complicated.

The first thing; unless your kids hate the other person and don’t want to associate with him/her so that custody is merely a legal recognition of a situation, you have a serious challenge.

It is almost a ‘given’ that the children will want to align with the ‘worthless’ parent.

For example; Martha did everything for the kids while Elliot was busy with his girlfriends. He would always smile at the kids and buy them things, but when it came to a choice between smoke ganja on the corner and talk to his kids, Elliot was on the corner.

At divorce the kids wanted to be with Elliot, who argued for their custody so as not to have to pay Martha any support.  Martha was devastated.  How could her children turn against her like that? 

After being left home alone when Elliot went to see his girlfriends on numerous occasions, after having their birthdays forgotten, their school fees unpaid the kids began to appreciate Martha.

In the case of Jack and Lucy the situation was reversed. She had abandoned the family shortly after the birth of her second son. The boys remained with Jack for whom they developed a hatred; it was his fault Lucy had left them.

No matter what Jack did it wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t until they were adults that they realised how little they meant to Lucy.

As most cases are not as clear as these two,  often the parents make the error of venting to the kids.
Never do that. Never mention the other parent save in the most objective manner.  Martha’s attacks on Elliot, Jack’s excoriation of Lucy, had turned them into martyrs.  Children tend to align with the martyr.  Hence, don’t make one.

Whether you have full custody, shared, or are the visiting parent, do not discuss the other one with the children. Let them bring up Daddy/Mommy.  Say nothing.  It is hard, but can be done.

Depending on how old the kids are, how emotionally intelligent, the questions they ask or don’t ask, you have to set your portrayal. Truth wills out.  At some point in their lives the children will stop worshipping the other parent, and sometimes, even start to hate them.

In Martha’s case, scales dropped from the eyes of her children when it became clear that any passing female Elliot was interested in too precedence over them.  In Jack’s case, the sons realised what a good man their father was after they saw Lucy again.

When your kids are over thirty then you can discuss the intricacies of the divorce, but until then, keep it to
yourself.

With friends, it depends on whose friends they were or are, from whom they get the benefit. With family; whether or not there is a relationship not based on the marriage.

When Viv divorced she got ‘custody’ of her ‘in-laws’. Everyone seemed to like her better than their son/ brother/nephew, etc. Her ex sister in laws were ‘family’ in a real sense. Hence, the divorce had no bearing. In most cases, the relationship with in-laws over.  There is no sense to include them in anything, contact them, or try to maintain a connection.

Your social status might become a bit tricky on divorce. If you’ve spotlighted your relationship then you may have made an if/then situation.

If people are only nice to you because you are married to X, then not being married to X will have social consequences. If you are only invited to functions because of your connection, then expect to be uninvited.

Some people trade on their Exs name. Men who have been divorced for twenty years might still claim Y is their wife because Y has status. Some women never marry again to keep that precious last name and that fancy Mrs. in front of it.

Sometimes you have to make public service announcements that you are divorced. This may be tedious but often necessary to prevent an ex from using your name.

Although in early days resentment, hatred, anger, pain might cloud your thinking, strive for indifference. Work at it. It may take years, maybe as many years as you were married to get over it. Once you do, once you are indifferent, you can have a polite relationship with your ex. As long as there is residual emotion, the best thing is silence.

Divorce is traumatic, even if you don’t think so at the time, the ending of any relationship does have its remnants.