Are You a Control Freak?

by unwrittenfate in Advice, March 30, 2008

What makes control freaks tick and how you can handle them.

Do you know someone who flips out if you spill something?Is there someone in your life who takes credit for your successes?Is there someone who is constantly telling you how to do everything?Do you know someone who constantly invades your privacy?
Do you know someone who will keep a long argument going with you because they may be wrong?

Control freaks, we have all met them, and some of us are unfortunate enough to have to live with some of them. In this article, I am hoping to help those of you who have them in your life, learn how to deal with them and keep control in your own life without letting them take over. The other purpose of this article, is to find out if you are a control freak, and how to get a grip.

What makes a Control Freak Tick?

It has been found, that the main need to control is driven by anxiety, though a Control Freak would never recognize this, and even if they did, they would deny it. At work, they worry about failure. In their relationship they dread that they will not have their needs met, or that they will not be good enough. In order to keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they feel they only way to avoid feeling those emotions is to control the people or things around them. They have a harder time than most normal people when it comes to negotiating or compromising, because it would mean they would have to give up some of their control, and it would also implicate that they are not perfect, and Control Freaks H-A-T-E imperfection. If you can’t tell, or don’t know already, this can make them hard to live with. Whether you are working with them, living with them, or just plain stuck in a circle that involves them.

The reason most of us don’t like Control Freaks is because they always give off the attitude that “You’re incompetent”, or “I can’t trust you”. The essential need of a Control Freak is to prove that you are just as imperfect and incompetent as they feel. It is their only defense against their poor self image. All though it may not be obvious to a normal person, the Control Freak is dealing with substantial amounts of anxiety and self defeating emotions. They are constantly fighting off fears of helplessness and impotence. By controlling others and the things in their lives, they feel they are fighting of the fear of being “out of control” and being helpless.

Unfortunately, for anyone who might want to try to see past their demanding ways, or to battle them into thinking normally, there are no real ways to get them to see the light. Their illusions of control are a high stakes game to make sure they do not feel inadequate. When you try to tell them that controlling everything is not going to make them feel any better, or to win anyone over to their way of thinking, to them, you are only telling them they are wrong, imperfect, and weak. So they will try to control you even more, and in any way they feel they can. Being in control give the Control Freak the temporary illusion of calmness. When they feel you are winning, you can almost feel the tension oozing out of them, and you can smell the fear that drives their obsession. If, at any time, the Control Freak feels they don’t have control over you, or at very least, over your conversation with them, they become immediately very frightened. Because they are filed with this dread, their next form of action will be to try to instill that fear in you, by subtle, or not so subtle forms of loss on your part. Whether that be the loss of their friendship, love, hard work, or any number of other things they feel they have control over, they will use whatever arsenal they think they have.

Since the stakes are so high for them, if they feel you have any amount of control, they have to assert themselves with you so they do not feel so helpless. To relinquish any amount of control is like being victimized or overwhelmed. When a Control Freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases.

Anger -Depression
Agitation -Despair
Panic
Apprehension

First they become angry and agitated, then they feel the panic and apprehension, and then they become agitated and in comes the threats, and when that doesn’t work, they become depressed.

For those of you who didn’t know: In cases like these, depression is another form of control. If they cannot control you through demanding, threatening, commanding, or pushing, they will then try to get you to feel sad for them, or pity them. They feel if they can get you to feel sympathy for their poor souls, that they will once again gain control over you through guilt.

Control Freaks are caught in what’s called, “Repetition Compulsion”. They repeat the same pattern again and again expecting the same results every time. This is their attempt to master their fears and anxieties, and cope with the trauma they feel. Instead of calming down which would result in less of a need to be controlling in the first place, they get stuck in the behavior and it locks them into the same insatiable pattern. At the same time, they don’t even keep a keep track consiously or subconsiously to the amount of times they have controlled something, it does not even register in their mind, and so they constantly feel out of control, even if they have control. For them, they are forever fighting off the same threat over and over again, and each time with increasing panic and ever growing fear of losing control. Can you imagine being stuck in such a world? It almost makes you feel bad for the Control Freak in your life.

There are 2 main types of Control Freaks, or at least there are only 2 ways that psycologist have found to try to explain the manic behavior in these people.

Type 1 Control Freak

These people are purely trying to control the anxiety and fear they feel in their lives, and to a certain extent, they are unaware that you even exist. They are dealing with their fears in a self-absorbed way, and you will notice this by the agitation in their voice, and they will avoid eye contact with you in most cases.

Type 2 Control Freak

This person is also trying to manage their anxieties and fears, but this type needs to diminish you in order to feel better. As they feel worse about themselves, they will push and pick at you in an attempt to make you feel the way they do or worse. They don’t just want to feel in control of you, they want to believe they have defeated you. They want you to feel helpless, wrong, and just generally terrible. As the famous quote goes, “misery loves company”. They feel that if they can make you feel like a horrible person, they will feel better. The said part is that they never truly get that feeling they are looking for, they only end up feeling worse about themselves in the end, and this can be one explaination of why they might continue to fight with you.

Summary: Type 1 needs control. Type 2 needs to control YOU.

Do you know anyone in your life who is like that?….

Now, as we have discussed what makes a Control Freak tick, and why they do the things they do, let talk about some ways you can combat their controlling ways and still stay sane in the middle of all the hullabaloo.

Stay Calm

Control Freaks tend to generate a lot of tension, especially when they are feeling particularly down troden about themselves. They tend to search out their next victim in hopes of making themselves feel better. The best thing you can do is to keep your cool. This, in essence, is not always the easiest thing to do. You will be lucky if you find yourself under their scrutiny from a phone or email, those are easy to ignore. However, if you are caught in a room with one of these people, the best thing you can do is to step back and keep a safe distance from them. This is more for you than for them because you will want to do your best to remain centered while you speak to them. Turn your inner thoughts to your breathing, keep it calm and collected, don’t let them get your heart pumping. Believe me, its not worth it! As they tend to get more agitated and demanding from your calmness, it will become more important to keep your cool. Just breath deeply and slowly. If you can manage to stay calm, cool, and collected, your aura will most likely have the effect of calming them as well. All be it, it might not be a lot, but it’s a lot better then letting the situation escalate by giving into their temper. If you let them get to you, not only will you waste a lot of unneeded time, breath, and stress, but you will only fuel the fire.

Speak Slowly

It is a natural human tendency to speak louder and quicker when you are agitated. In cases like these, this will not do you any good. Your best shot of getting out of this battle is to keep your speech slow and at lower decipals. If you start to feel yourself speak louder or faster, keep yourself in check. By getting riled up, you are only being pulled into their emotional turmoil, and the whole fight will turn against you in a matter of seconds.

Be Patient

Control Freaks need to feel heard. In all reality, they do not have that much to say, but they have such a hard time voicing what they have to say in a non-offensive way that you will need to be patient enough to hear what they are really so upset about. They only time they have a lot to say, is when you engage them in the power struggle they feel they need. If you can manage to listen carefully, and ask good questions that deter from the dramatics, and indicate that you have heard what they needed to say, then they are more likely, and more able to quickly resolve whatever issue they have and calmly move on.

Pay Attention To Your Reactions

This person is trying their hardest to find your triggers. If you have made it past the point of no return, or even a little before that, they will being doing their best to make you as angry as they are. It makes them feel out of control to see that you are not upset. Take note to how you feel around this person, it will give you important clues on how to deal with them, and when to keep yourself in check.

Give Them Some Contro

I know it sounds kind of silly, but giving them some amount of control will make them feel better about the way things are going. The trick is not to give them all the control. What you want to do is give them the control over the agenda. Basically, let them feel that they are in control of what you are talking about, and let them be in control of where it goes. You can’t really control those things anyways, and if you are not a Control Freak, you will already know this. You do however want to remain in control of the pacing of your conversation. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the conversation. You will be able to keep it from escalating out of control, and you will have a clearer picture of if they really have a purpose in this conversation other than just trying to control you.

Be Kind

Inside most Control Freak there is a great amount of paranoia. They have already prepared themselves to be angry and defend against what they believe to be a hostile world. If you remain kind, polite and considerate, even in the face of their anger, not only will you keep their paranoia from taking a stronghold on them, you will jam them up. They will not be able to believe that anyone can be so kind to someone who is purposely trying to attack them.

Ask Them To Do Something For You

This might seem like the exact opposite thing to do, but by asking them to do something for you, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior. In truth, you shouldn’t be, there is no reason that anyone in this world should be able to make you feel inadequate about yourself (this is a lesson Control Freaks have not learned). Ask them to write you a list of their complaints, or to send you a letter, or to reschedule a time when you are better able to hear what they have to say. This is also a good way to redirect their attention without invalidating what they feel, and it will offer you a way to leave the situation.

Remember This Saying

“Those who demand the most, often give the least”

It is important to keep in mind that most Control Freaks are really not trying to hurt you, they are doing what they feel they need to do to protect themselves. Their behavior towards you really shouldn’t be taken personally, the compulsion was their long before you came along, and it will continue to plague their lives until they seek help. You have to remember that they are skilled manipulators, they are practiced in the art of intimidation, and they are very very rehearsed debaters, and they are also extremely good at distorting reality.

Sometimes, in order to keep your self worth, and not be humiliated or bulldozed by their controlling ways, the best thing you can do is to walk out, turn that phone off, or just generally take yourself out of that situation. As easy as it may seem to be to just get angry back at them, it really does no good, and your best frame of mind is to remind yourself that they are stuck in that world of self pity, and you are not. Even if they try to goad you by saying you are to chick to stay and fight, walk away. You will have one in essence anyways.

Sometimes, the Control Freak in your life might be a family member, or loved one, and it can be hard, but sometimes it is best to cut your losses. Is it really worth it to have your time consumed by these peoples domenearing ways? Not really.

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Tags: Control, demand, Freak, help, obsessive disorder

User Comments

kolleen

On April 16, 2008 at 8:04 pm

what if this control freak is the classroom teacher that you work under?
jbgood

On May 29, 2008 at 2:08 am

Control freaks are the most irritating form of life I have come across. If you have a family member who is like this or are unfortunate enough to have married one it is very difficult to turn your back on them which is what they deserve. They have no conscience since everything they do is a consequence of your actions. Every simple request is a battle of wills. They feed of negative energy and are the eternal victims. Walk away from them permanently if possible.
a control freak myself

On October 30, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Please take it easy on us. I’m not trying to make you feel bad but obviously if we could control our behaviour we would. Do you think control freaks who are also perfectionists want to look like they are out of control of any situation. We don’t try to belittle you to make ourselves feel better we do it because we’re trying to voice how we feel about ourselves and tend to transfer it to the people we love and trust the most, thinking they will be understanding. I am trying to seek help for my husband’s sake so we can both be happy and as normal as possible. I truly believe that this is more than us being “mean” or “abusive” but an actual mental disorder like anxiety. Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on a group of people without talking to them first and trying to understand where they are coming form as well. You tell people to “walk out” or to “leave the situation” but I believe that is the worst thing to do. I know in my case I appreciate when my husband explains his point of view because I do love him and don’t want to see him hurt but I also have come to conclusions in my head that “must” be the case because he didn’t react or do what I was expecting. Every time he has stopped and said “honey, I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was…” I stop trying to be in control and in turn feel comforted and nurtured which is what I’m striving for in the first place.
I don’t want to be in control and I hate that I feel I have to. I push myself into mental breakdowns and have been hospitalized for exhaustion due to pushing myself so hard because “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself”. I don’t want to make others feel inadequate or below me because inside I feel as though I am the lowest, worst person that God ever created.
If you truly love the people who are control freaks due to anxiety and self loathing, then stay by us and talk to us calmly. Explain yourself to us because we assume that our process of thinking is how everybody thinks and from what I’ve read and come to understand that couldn’t be further from the truth.
This is an actual problem in some cases, like mine. While I do not believe anyone should put up with any form of abuse at the same time if the person in your life who is a control freak is down on themselves a lot as well, they probably don’t realize it’s hurtful because that’s how they talk to themselves.
I am a control freak

On November 4, 2008 at 12:37 pm

and I just realized it … how can I get better or improve? Has anyone found any free online resources that would help me change my behavior?
I am one too!

On November 6, 2008 at 6:39 am

It is not because I want to be in control of anyone, I just dont know how to handle the dissapointment of things not going to plan. So yes it is easier -on the surface- to do everything yourself rather than leave it up to other people and be upset by it not going right. But I have been plesantly surprised on a number of occasions when things have just turned out okay when done by someone else! I am wondering how people stop thinking of the bad things that have gone wrong…maybe if I could get that guilt out of my head then I would not be so much like this?
eh

On November 11, 2008 at 9:10 am

Interesting article despite its terribly harsh tone, and the most depressing thing that it was plagiated, poorly too…. I’ll comment on the piece here however, for those who happened to read it anyway before it’s being reported. (Do you do that here?)

Sometimes popular psychology like this de-humanizes the ‘people’ they are talking about and attempts to justify all kinds of uncaring attitudes towards other people that have their problems.

I think it sounds terrible to say that one should just walk away from a ‘control freak’ – surely, one has to keep some distance, but that’s a subtle thing, and depends also on how close you want to be that person yourself. Control freaks are people, too, with their good and bad sides. And they need lots of love, especially because they are having such a hard time.

And it’s not true, for example, as was seen by the very reflective responses of a couple of control freaks, that they wouldn’t be able to realize their situation. These people may, at the right moment, or with time, begin to change. Like my mother did.

Control freaks can be very kind people in a way, too. A good cause can go wrong when the nurturing or instruction becomes too intrusive. Sometimes it’s pleasant to be cared after, and then it’s not.

And finally, paradoxically, this article seems to me very control-freakish itself. For example saying: “…that’s what the control freak hates!”, sounds very scornful to me. The whole tone of this article seems to be that of ‘controlling the control freak’. The coping mechanisms presented here sound quite applicable to me, however, in the long run, you need a whole lot of compassion and time to help someone, and it’s _always_ a serious issue of whether you will become a control freak yourself in the process.
truck

On November 12, 2008 at 6:49 pm

Control freaks I have lived with one for 34 years the majority of the article is correct as always every personality has a variety of differences.However the basic thrust of the article remains true, Its has given me insight of where to begin. I have observed and had professional opinion that in my case the traits of a control freak are generated way long before adulthood but in childhood by their parents, schooling i do not believe that control freaks are not created in adulthood although the skills needed to survive are. Control freaks trying to change is going to a very difficult if not impossible, the best I cannot hope for is that my wife will acknowledge the problem and give me a little respect.
My mother is one

On November 14, 2008 at 5:20 am

I am 57 years of age and have a mother who is almost a cliché control freak. Whenever I don’t allow my mother to control me she ocmes out with the all too familiar: “I never want to see you again”. Then refuses to speak to me for a number of years. Little does she realise how peaceful the breaks are and not to have her interfering and attempting to direct my life. When I do not contct her during my terms of banishment she tries to manipulate me back into her l ife through others, claiming she has to have a medical operation, etc. After the kiss and make up period and her promises that she won’t fall back into her old behavior things go well for a month or two but then it starts up again. She has caused so much damage in our family; my brother, her sisters, brother and all her friends refuse to see her as they cannot bear her behavior. She is too awful for words.
My boss was one

On November 14, 2008 at 10:36 am

My last two line managers were control freaks and perfectionists. The first one was very bullying and upset a lot of managers as well so she left before being pushed. My second boss was nice for a year but very controlling and things deteriorated after we changed offices and had to work sitting next to each other in closer proximity (he had his own office before). The main article mentions ‘walking away’ from a control freak but sitting next to your line manager week after week doesn’t give you that option unfortunately! My boss would be nice to my face and encourage me to take more responsibility by doing reports for him but then behind my back he would change everything I’d done (and I mean everything) so my work was diminished. He’d had to double check all work done and would make changes in red (just like a teacher) even though I’m someone who likes to be accurate. I remember once I typed up some minutes and afterwards he made me re-do all the attendee names in alphabetical order. I did challenge him many times as assertively as I could but he would not change (a sure sign of a control freak perhaps?). Fortunately he resigned 3 months ago but he had slowly chipped away at my confidence for 3 years and made me by very subtle means feel undermined. My new boss is starting in January so I’m going to an assertiveness course at the weekend to hopefully find some coping strategies so I don’t feel like a ’sitting duck’ for the new guy. I think my area of work attracts perfectionists (you need to have highly accurate work and pay attention to detail) and as I’m a lot of older than these bosses I wonder if they feel threatened by someone older who’s been there longer than them. As I can’t change those facts I hoping to find ways for ‘damage limitation’ in case this happens again. I am writing this as I’ve read a great deal about control freaks as people or how they behave in personal relationships but little as bosses in the workplace so if someone else reads this who has a ‘control freak’ boss they know they’re not the only ones! Thanks for reading!
Me and my daughter

On November 30, 2008 at 2:33 am

I have to deal with two control freaks on a weekly basis. My ex-husband and my ex-mother-in-law. Because I have a daughter out of the divorce from these people, they think they can both tell me what to do with her. If I choose not to listen, they both try and push my buttons anyway they can. I end up getting very highly upset with them. It feels like they do enjoy when I am upset. It is unfair to my daughter and I, especially when I am being threatened for the loss of my daughter if I don’t calm down when they are pushing my buttons. From your article, I see that being calm really is my best weopon with these people. I do not want to lose my daughter because I have a hard time controling my anger with these people. It is my ex-mother-in-law that enjoys it the most, the rise she gets out of me. She doesn’t care if my daughter is in the room when this happens. She will push my buttons anyway she can and she does it with a smile on her face, literally. This article has given me insight that these people have an abusive, mental or personality disorder that they need help for from a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. They are hurting myself and my daughter with their control freak attitudes and I will no longer give in to their ways. I now realize just how satisfied they are when I get upset. It is their goal to make themselves feel better by thinking they are protecting themselves by hurting me. I could see if I was a no good mother, maybe I’d deserve it. Either way, my daughter doesn’t need this behavior around her. God does not approve of this behavior to have the need to abusively control people. This article “feels” the way I’ve been treated. I will not get upset and lose my daughter over their abusive behavior.
jtld424

On November 30, 2008 at 5:42 pm

Thank You for writting what you all have written here, I realize that I am a Control Freak, in fact just today all the signs are there and I understand me now. I want to end this awful way of life not by death and not by my loved ones walking away from me but with help and understanding. I know that I did not get this way because I wanted too. I can pinpoint where and why and from whom but it wont change that fact. I just want to change me. So don’t say walk away, abandon them?, don’t love them anymore?, that is one of the reason we became Control Freaks. So help us. Thank You
js

On December 21, 2008 at 10:29 pm

OMG I am sooooo happy to read this and see that my feelings about my ex/current/ex are perfectly (ab)normal! hahahaha..all the stress..normal..all the b.s….normal.. and my desire to remain calm and allow him “feel” like he is in control..it is in all actuality, me, in control.. Poor guy has sooo much admitted anxiety, depression and angst, I almost feel sad for him. After the first week of break-up-ness..I was a mess..but it gets easier for me and doesn’t change for him..He has a specific pattern. Now that I can see it… I am back to normal! Although I am sad that we can not be together, I am happy that I can return to my past anxiety free lifestyle!!
frankco

On January 4, 2009 at 12:09 pm

controls freaks are evil self center ,have feeling only for them selfs will destroy childrens relationship and children will have no backbones.leave when you can
Harlow

On January 18, 2009 at 4:08 pm

Thank you so much for this article.

I am married to a critical control freak and up until few days ago, my life was living hell.
Somehow, I started googling about control freaks and once I read that it is a personality disorder, the huge burden was lifted off my shoulders.
I instantly realized why he was doing what he was doing and moreover that I am not arguing with my husband, I am arguing with this serious PERSONALITY DISORDER. ( also very similar to narcissistic disorder).
That meant a world to me, I actually got over my anger, almost overnight! He is sick and he can’t help it. It’s his inner turmoil that makes him act the way he acts.

I wish everybody who has to deal with these people could realize that person they think they are dealing with is NOT THERE. Their reality is CONSTANTLY DISTORTED, driven by their own fear.
Once you take it from there, you can read and find out how to deal with it. You will not take it personally, they are not evil, they are just ill.
It is not you, it’s them, but they make you feel like you’re losing your mind and it just never ends.
You can change it! Guilt is the worst part of it all and you are constantly giving up pieces of your integrity and soul, just to please them and it’s never enough.

I also listened to a podcast of Dr. David Hawkins, ( I think he calls himself a Relationship Doctor or something) he gives you some advice, one of them is “NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER argue with control freak”. It really effin works! They have nothing to attack anymore and they calm down ( and even if they don’t you know it’s not you and it’s their problem). You can calmly disagree and walk away.
You suddenly feel superior, knowing this big truth. ( unlike before when you were belittled and when your VERY BEST was never enough).
At first, I felt defeated and even more helpless but something just clicked and I got it.

I suggest read up on it, do not try to change them, do not waste your time and emotions, ( that are probably depleted enough), they do not see things the way normal people do.
I wish I knew this years ago, but it’s never too late.
It’s like one article said, “you can’t hate a snake for being a snake, it can’t help it”.
Good luck everyone and God bless you!
susie

On January 19, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Have read a lot of stuff on this subject of control .Its happened to me and I’m not putting up with it any more!!I’m now in the situation where I will avoid the person who seems to know how and when to press my buttons……a family member.However this will mean I miss out on fellowship with other people in my group.
My marriage has been through the mill because of this controlling person and now I just want some peace so I’m putting distance between us and getting on with my life and NOT BEING A VICTIM ANY MORE
Kelly

On January 21, 2009 at 8:47 pm

Control freaks at my workplace right now are destroying my soul and my physical health. I despise them. They ARE abusive bullies. But….Control freaks will always be defeated by one thing though, that is sickness and death which they cannot escape. by that time, most people will hate them and have little pity for them. As so it should be. Chronic abusive behavior is unacceptable. I think all of us want to be in control or have our own way to a degree, but control freaks really have problems. But control freaks eventually betray themselves by their controlling ways eventually revealing their true weakness which is their unbearable insecurity, they give themselves away by their own behavior. I am amazed that they cannot see that for themselves.
Goorgie

On February 7, 2009 at 3:18 pm

I have a sister who is a control freak. She would shout and yell at the top of her lungs to make sure that she is right and everbody else is wrong. She wants to control what everybody does. The above information is very helpful in understanding control freaks. You’re right it is hard to live with somebody like that. Everytime she yells at me i want to take a cyanide pill because I can’t take it. She’s one of those people that are never wrong and can never “I’m sorry.” I have to move away because it’s causing me anxiety which is what I have along with depression and bipolar’disorder except I don’t have enough money to move out. I’ll just have to suffer through till a housing opening comes up.
Lottie

On February 11, 2009 at 9:21 am

I know control freaks can be abusive and cruel. However, I think I may be one. I love people but have had so much terrible stuff hapen in my life from others, I need to be alone now to control it. My mother was an alcoholic who was murdered. My father an egotistical meglamaniac who bullied me and my mother. I had anorexia as a child. Now I want to finish everyone’s sentences, plan everything in advance and look for every eventuality. Also, I have to do something to make sure it’s right. I also can’t trust anyone not to hurt me, so everyone, physically and psychologically, does not get close to me. I always kep a bit of me hidden away from people so I can’t be hurt. Yeah I am afraid of failiure, I was always told how selfish, useless or stupid I was growing up. I don’t want to dominate others, I just don’t want anymore people influencing my life, hurting me, controling me or belitteling me. I love people and would do anything for anyone, as long as it’s my way. I hope I am not so hated by everyone, all I want for myself and other’s is for no one to suffer pain.
Married to a control freak

On March 16, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Words for thought….. walking out on a control freak does not mean forever. Sometimes you need to just walk away from the situation until claim has returned. It can be destructive to stand and fight/argue when the communication stops and thats when it turns against you. I know, I have to do this often with my husband who is a big control freak over my children and myself. When the family dispute gets to heated its sometimes better to walk away for awhile, call each other on the phone or return in an hour or two. Sometimes HE IS MAD because I left so I wait longer until both of us are calm again and can talk. If you are out of self control and patients you will do no one any good to stay and continue the debate/battle. But I also understand this may not work for everyone as the control freak stated above. She said it made her feel worse, but her husband communicates with her. Its a hard road, I know I’ve lived it for 13 yrs I stay because of love and the loving attentive side I see in my husband. But the Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde life gets tough sometimes. Find what works for BOTH of you and keep communications (not control) in the relationship. Good Luck and God Bless to Both Control Freaks, loved ones and friends.
Lou x

On March 16, 2009 at 1:56 pm

My sister is coming up 20 and she is living with a control freak… all the family can see what hes doing to her, but she just can’t see it herself, she does exacally what he wants her to say on the phone. He won’t even let her see her family anymore and its completly annyed everyone :@
R. MacKenzie

On March 19, 2009 at 11:34 pm

I have a sister-in-law who is a control freak…type 2…wants to
control everyone in her life. She is very paranoid, accusing me and others of doing things to hurt her, hold her back, keep her out of the loop…I don’t know what she claims is the reasoning behind our so-called poor behavior towards her. We have nothing to gain by dissing her but she evidently doesn’t see it that way. Bottom line…she doesn’t trust us. After twenty years of being in the family, she still doesn’t trust us. Whose got the problem here? For twenty years she has made these false accusations and we have calmly, nicely and truthfully explained there was no intent to hurt her.
Recently while in the middle of handling a medical emergency of a family member she called and in a rude, cold tone informed me that SHE was offended that she hadn’t been informed of the news by me and sooner. (A niece, who happened to call while I was at the hospital, informed my S-I-L) I was shocked that she was thinking of only herself and had the gall to interrupt the handling of this emergency by letting me know her feelings were hurt. And she didn’t once ask for an update or status report of the family member whom was eventually admitted for suffering a heart attack. Nor did she ever visit the patient in the hospital. I calmly explained to her that my main priority was to get to the hospital and focus on medical treatment. She had not been singled-out as no one had been called yet. Hadn’t had the chance. I thought that would resolve the issue.

Nope! Two days later I hear from her again and she, in a “rubbing it in my face” mode explains how she told other people that she hadn’t been informed and they were very angry too. IMO she was telling me this to support her stand that she had good reason to be upset…RE: other people agree with her.This told me that she didn’t believe my explanation and was purposely stirring trouble by talking to others about her claims.

That’s when I blew up at her. I know you’re not suppose to react to a control freak with anger…but it wasn’t planned, she just pushed my buttons. Handling her control freakness is hard enough but mix it with the inappropriateness of timing during a major medical emergency and the fact that it was a highly emotional time..and I lost my cool.

She and I don’t speak now. While I wish that wasn’t the case, it is probably best to keep my distance, as suggested in this
article. However, what bothers me is, others in the family, who were witnesses to the S-I-L’s actions and were upset by them, are suddenly silent. My relationship with my brother (the S-I-L’s husband) has changed. He is cool towards me and has made comments with innuendo that everything I did was wrong and she did and does everything right. She was the poor victim. He doesn’t realize she’s a control freak or doesn’t want to admit it…to himself or others, eventhough his children have tried to tell him for years and finally gave up.

I understand there isn’t any drug that controls this mental disorder nor treatment that has been found effective. But,
we innocent bystanders need more help in dealing with these people than…stay calm and back away. Isn’t that just enabling the control freaks’ behavior? Especially when the control freak is in your family, twenty years of staying calm and backing away is too much for even the most restrained and tolerant person to have to bare.
Pesky

On April 11, 2009 at 8:29 pm

Being a control freak can be an ugly and sad way to approach life, but control freaks are people too.

When a control freak tries to take over, I do my best to actively listen, evaluate the situation and what is best for me, and do what I need to do in order to keep peace without enabling the control freak behavior. Just because they think they have to be in control does not mean they know what’s best.

I was once a control freak; it was a learned behavior from my father.

It took a close friend 15 years ago to tell me that it was unbecoming, and that it made her not want to be around me (*ouch*). That’s when I started objectively listening and observing myself, and realized a change was in order.

People don’t change unless they want to.

Love the person.
Hate the affliction.
Allen_123

On April 12, 2009 at 8:35 pm

I recently have broken up with a woman which I cherished and loved for three years. She sed her sexuality to allure me and on the first date literally attacked me sexually. After being with her for several months she had affairs (which she denied and I could prove) and even at the end she was violating fidelity issues. She always accused me of this behavioe and I never even looked at another woman. She had to control every aspect of what we did and when we did anything, even the most mundane. I tried calm and supportive approaches. I tried to have discussions which would offer encouragement support. She would have nothing to do with that. We went to counseling together, where she put a totally different face, but then became very passive agressive in the aftermath and completely ignored any suggestions or solutions offered by the therapist. One week after our break up she was in the bed with another man who she now claims to love.
Ok, with all that, I must tell you that unless you have the patience of Job or are up for Sainthood, enduring or trying to help the control freak is a recipe for mental illness. Don’t walk away, Run your ass off and find someone that wants to have a loving relationship adn wants a nuturing environment where you both can grow and experience the bliss of romance and love.
jed

On April 28, 2009 at 9:09 pm

my sister in law in a cotrol freak she wants every ones life to be just how she wants it hitleric i would say can you imagine someone who gets in your face psycho analizes you and your other siblings and will go to any length to organize your life your food your time, your dog etc to all you frikin control freaks get a guitar a van and go be a hippie chill out before you knock the planet off its axis….jed
jo

On May 24, 2009 at 1:01 pm

i was in a relationship for 6 yrs . had a little boy also had a son byprevious partner . my ex was a violent controll freak. he would cheat on me talk down to me made me feel like dirt .would give me things and then take them away. will not let me speak he can speak to me but im not allowed to reply because he is speaking. he spoke to me like he was my father punishing me. my life now is still rubbish he still controls me through our 4 yr old he has started to do things like would say goodbye to my son if he didnt get a reaction or got a small 1 he would say or shall i say . daddys gotta go now and then rubs it in then my boy gets upset and starts crying even more than usual , he gets a kick outta it i really hate him he no s wat he does and others do 2 some controll freaks are not like him but he has some serious issues he is 1 messed up freak which loves upsetting his son so he feels needed
Andi

On May 29, 2009 at 4:53 am

RUN, these people will suck the life, personality, rights out of you and still believe they are nice and you are at fault. Save your sanity and RUN. They don’t change, because, in their minds, their never wrong, you are, even if everyone hates them.

I’m sorry, but I don’t feel sorry for them, get help and keep other people at a distance if you’re a control freak and yo ureally love these people you will spare them your insanity.
about_to_lose_my_mind

On June 18, 2009 at 9:58 am

I have just realized that my boyfriend’s sister is a control freak. After reading this article, I noticed that all the signs are there. For the past year I just couldn’t figure out why she would constantly put me on the spot, tease me, annoy me, invade my privacy and the latest thing that happened: she stuck her nose where it didn’t belong i.e. my bf and I were having a somewhat heated discussion when guess who decides to come along and get involved in the whole damn thing. She had no place whatsoever. She put me on the spot and demanded I answer to her and give her an explanation (???!!!) sorry but, what a psycho!! I couldn’t believe it ! I lost my cool.. I mean.. what do you expect. My bf and I are both in our 30s..we can definitely handle our own problems, not to mention IT WAS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. But no, she had to gang up on me and ruin everything. Needless to say, I got mad at my bf for not defending me/standing up for me. He just stood there..doing nothing. I felt he could have at least told her to please stay out of it.
Anyway.. I just don’t know what to do.. my relationship is suffering because of all this. Im so sad and so angry at the same time.
Lynnie

On July 10, 2009 at 3:09 pm

I am a control freak myself. Have been all of my life.
I am going to try cognitive behavioral therapy.
It focuses on our fear, the unknown. What we don’t know WE cannot control. Therefore we get anxious, violent, demanding, or basically controlling because we are in a panic state.
We have the same natural reaction as anyone, to panic when we don’t know what is going to happen. I swear by the, “What ifs?”. It does me no good. The majority of the things that we worry about will never happen anyway. The problem is..I am far too intelligent for my own good. I recognize my behaviors, have been given the tools to change…or at least make an effort, yet I haven’t done it. The problem is, I know what to do, just not how to go about it. It’s a switch and once it gets turned on I don’t know how to turn it off. Talking to myself doesn’t work. Breathing and punching something doesn’t work. Getting violent doesn’t work. Now my relationship is suffering.
I am going to college to be an engineer. And the main purpose of an engineer is to dissect something. But see, I want to dissect other things than my relationships and the people in them. I have dissected myself and every person I have tried to form a relationship even as simple as a friendship or co-worker with.
It isn’t fair to them and it isn’t fair to me. I am not living the best life that I could be living.
Cognitive behavioral therapy helps to face the Obsessive compulsiveness head on by giving you tools to use during real life situations when you are under stress. The calmer we are in a chaotic or stressful situation the more clear we think.
All you have to do is go to http://www.bing.com and type in “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” See if you think it may be right for you. Its more of a hands on type therapy, instead of “just talking” about your problems. This particular form gives you true scenarios in which you will have to utilize your coping skills. It is also effective in as little as 16 sessions. Its briefer and more in depth than an our with someone who agrees with everything you say.
I am going to try it and see how well it goes. Good luck.
Citrus

On August 22, 2009 at 9:07 am

Hi, I have read the whole article and comments….and I am frozen to recognize most of the control freak behaviours in myself. I never knew about this things until today just because I started searching internet and somehow it accrossed my way.
It may answer my grieve and loneliness, even when I have some people around.
Being control freak is something I would like to get rid off, because it hurts me so much, and I am afraid that it DOES hurt people I DO love much too, and I do not wish them to walk away from me. If I am a control freak I WILL CHANGE IT for the sake of the people I love and myself.
It feels like a heavy coat you cannot remove. How could I shed off this bad coat and start living a normal enjoyable life?
I will try the http://www.bing.com today and will seek my GP help too. Any more suggestions are welcome.
Control freaks are not monsters, just have to learn how to be happy ourselves to make others happy too.
God bless you all for he harsh and nice comments, they were all helpful for me to awaken up.
rage

On September 16, 2009 at 4:04 am

I am married to one( a CF). I try hard to put up with it. He yells at me infront of our employees and clients, so humiliating. We have 3 very young children and walking away is not the best option, so I just cut myself with needles and pins on the arm.
I am so stuck.
gimmeabreak

On September 19, 2009 at 3:32 pm

let me respond to those of you self professed “Control Freaks”. there is no time in which its ok for you to think that your loved ones, co-workers or anyone else should have to put up with your behavior. You are clearly here for a reason, and if 90% of the people you know say you need help, then get it. Don’t start off acting like the victim. Everybody’s a victim of something. It’s what you choose to do about it that matters. I have lived with a control freak who fits every iota of this description, who has threatened my children, makes life an absolute living hell for us and his co-workers. There is no pleasing him ever… He is now a very unhappy single man who refused help. So quit acting like you’re the victim and get some professional help. Just because the cause is a disorder doesn’t mean everyone else has to put up with it, when YOU know RIGHT NOW you can seek help. You just don’t want to because you like being in control. I came from a childhoold of extreme physical and sxual abuse, and have in addition to professional help, decided NOT to carry those behaviors forward. YOU CAN take control of Change.It’s just more comfortable for you to stay the way you are. Get off your pity train and do it.
Victory

On September 23, 2009 at 10:46 am

Well if nobody is perfect why do we seem to live in a society that nearly abuses people to death over minor mistakes. I think that society produces Workaholic controlling people, I mean look at what goes on and ask yourself.
C. Langdon

On September 26, 2009 at 8:51 pm

I want to comment, but where do I begin? In and out of a gay relationship that has dealt with many problems and the CF disorder was never one of them. The over riding theme was always, if I could get my s_ _ _ together, life for the two of us would be perfect. Now four years later, I’m seeing the big picture. Like the article says, he won’t recognize the problem and certainly won’t accept it as truth. If he agrees at all, it would be that this is a legitmate problem…..for some, but not him. How do you get thru to them? What must take place for them to be openminded and objective? Can this disorder be treated with the hopes of leading an otherwise normal and productive life? It’s too late for us, but I would like to know he could someday be involved in a healthy, balanced relationship. As it stands now….it just not going to happen.
Barb

On October 7, 2009 at 11:46 am

My Dad was the ultimate control freak, although he did seem to “come around”, especially whenever I left home. Unfortunately, I was a great “wanderer” (from here to Alaska/Yukon) and northern Quebec, but I always went home again. The poor man didn’t need that, I guess.

He may have believed in me more had I proven I could stand on my own….as I finally do now.
D.

On October 11, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Hi, I’m a control-freak too.
Help!
I love my partner. I know we can make it.

I don’t want to lose everything and the person I love.
j bird

On October 16, 2009 at 1:42 am

By the time I realized I was being targeted by a control freak (an immediate family member) I was already suffering from such low self esteem I couldn’t feel good about myself for anything. Thats when I realized that the times when this person seemed to feel the happiest was during unavoidable problems in my life involving job loss, chronic family health and financial problems. No loving support or positive words of comfort just insults of how I surely brought it upon myself because I don’t do anything right. I thought to myself, wow, this person is seriously cold. When things were going good for me there were also rude comments during holidays, special occassions and so on about my clothes, hair, items I purchased etc. Very personal scattered attacks about trivial everyday things. No difference what was going on. After taking the high road for years on end I finally blew my cork for a very public put down and said some choice things that cannot be forgotten by anyone and now this person is living happily ever after with their made up stories about how about how awful I have always been and how I proved it that day. I wasn’t trying to compete in a battle of wills with this person but there would be no way to win against these masters of double talk. They always have all purpose answers and excuses prepared in case they need them. They are so good at it that your head will be spinning as they turn every complaint you have about the way they treat you into something you did to deserve it. And you will believe it too till you walk away and think, “What just happened here?” It won’t be the last time either.

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