August Ms. Know-it-All Column

Dear Shaky, Earthquake? Ms Know-it-all is not averse to feeling the earth move occasionally but in this case she doubts the cause was really an earthquake. At the exact time it happened, she had 44 (from ages 4 to 12) kids crunched into her Trona Branch Library…all of them doing the “Chicken Dance” during the Summer Reading Program. WOOT!

Dear Ms. Know-It-All, How can you tell when croutons have gone stale? Signed, Chipped Teeth

Dear Chipped, Considering the fact that croutons are made from chunks of toasted stale bread to begin with, Ms Know-It-All would have to say that is pretty much of a judgment call. As a personal judgment, however, she has determined that when croutons become more attractive as slingshot pellets than food, that moment has come.

Dear Ms Know-it-all, Apparently, the calendar the Mayans created runs out on December 21, 2012 and the world IS COMING TO AN END!  Well, I’m going to plan for 2012. About 4 months before, I will quit my jobs…max out my credit cards and stop paying my pesky bills. Let them try to catch up with me before the Big End of the world. Do you want to join me? Signed, Party time Gryphon

Dear Party time, The world is going to end AGAIN? Oh Puleeeeeese, how many times does that make? Don’t spend the rent money yet! The Mayans were very wise people but back in their time, they didn’t realize modern people would be able to get free calendars from our banks, so long before the end of 2012 we would have it in black and white…as well as colorful photographs that there will be a 2013…unless, of course, in this sad economy the banks quit handing out new calendars. Hmmm, maybe Ms Know-it-all is a tad worried after all.

Dear Ms Know-it-all, For several months I have had an online relationship with a lady but lately I have met someone new…online, of course. I’m not sure how to tell the first lady that she is now my ex-lady. I have managed to avoid her when I see her online but it really does not seem fair to just leave her hanging while I’m seeing the new lady. She deserves to know the truth. To break it to her with the least amount of fuss, I’m considering changing my status on my “MySpace” page to “In love with someone new…everyone else is history.” What do you think? Signed, In love again

Dear Gutless Wonder, Ms Know-it-all thinks that you breaking off with your ex-lady is her good luck but why are you having a problem doing it? How much courage does it take to break up online? What are you afraid she is going to do to you? Like she is going to cyber slap you? Send you a frowny face?  Forward you some spam? Scary stuff, that…almost as scary as if Ms Know-it-all was to publish your physical resident address just in case ex-lady is a fan of hers.