Dealing with The Pain of Losing a Child

The healing process is unique, in that the pain will never go away, it just evolves.  The truth is it’s as fresh as the day it happened. When I hear someone call out his name I quickly look to see if there are any similarities to my son. I imagine what it would have been like, if that were me calling his name.  We struggled to connect with our son somehow.  People claiming to be psychic offered up ridiculous advice. The best advice came from some Christian friends we had met.   We’ve become closer to God, because of this. The bible has been our best healing resource. It helped us understand that this could happen to anyone.  We are not invincible.  We did go through an anger process though, it was hard to go to church without crying. It became apparent that seeking God helped the process along.  I grew up Christian, but never sought out a relationship with God until now.  I truly believe that this relationship has made me a better mother, wife, sister and friend.  

It is important to know that it doesn’t matter what age your child is when they pass away, the loss of a child is never to be measured.  A wonderful friend put it plainly “It is the hopes and dreams of this baby that are gone.” we can never get them back. The best support we received came from those that were just there.  The people that listened and tried to understand, were the ones that were the most genuine.

We have two beautiful baby boys.  Each one looks so much like him.  It’s as if God was trying to help me see what it would have been like with Isaiah. When they are sleeping it takes me back to that day in the hospital again. They keep us busy. We have been challenged with some very unique and vibrant little characters! There is never a moment in the day that we forget how blessed we truly are. 

Photo taken by fellow Trionder and husband Danny Tapia

We are different people because of this. They often tell us that tragedies such as these make or break a relationship.  My husband is my high school sweetheart. He used to be much more social, he’s become a lot more reserved.  I often introduce us as Sandra and Danny from the movie Grease.  Ours is a love story much like theirs. Our marriage has taken some serious hits by this trauma, but it has only brought us closer together.  It saddens us to see couples break apart by something like this, but we can understand the complexity behind it. No one person is alike, let alone two. We are going twenty years strong now. This episode has appeared to strengthen us.  We can only hope to share many more together. 

Through our grieving process we’ve learned to cope with this in many ways.  First off, we have learned that what has happened cannot be changed. Secondly, we’ve come to terms with the fact that we are still alive and must continue to live. Third, we live each day as if it’s the last day on earth. We express our love for each other and for everyone around us. We embrace the fact that we have three beautiful sons.  We don’t pretend that he didn’t exist.  My oldest boy is very familiar with his older brother. My youngest is slowly getting to know this also.  We just recently put Isaiahs hospital belongings and pictures away.  Occasionaly, we go back to them just for the sake of remembering important details, but not to bask in the grief.  We can now hold and look at his things without falling apart. This is not to say that we are unaffected.  The pain wells up inside here and then, when something stirs our sensitivity.  It could be the loss of someone or just simply hearing when someone else is going through this. Dong Yun Yoon and John Travolta did just that. Our hearts go out to you both.