Elise Mcveigh’s Life Camp Column

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
Every year I host Christmas day for my family, and my husband’s family. Every year I get the same question from both sides, which is “Are we all buying gifts for one another this year.” I have tried to alleviate the situation in the past by having a Chinese Gift Exchange one year, to drawing names another year. One person or another complains about any ideas I come up with. I am sick of being in the middle of the whole thing. What is proper etiquette for this type of situation?
Stressed and Distressed

Dear Stressed and Distressed,
I would get out of the middle of it, and tell both sides that you do not know who is exchanging with whom. Proper etiquette says just because someone gives you a gift does not mean that you have to give them a gift. Tell anyone who badgers you this year about gifts that if they receive a gift from a person that they did not give a gift to, proper etiquette calls for a simple “thank you, period!” There is no need to express any type of embarrassment, and it is not necessary to say “but I did not get you anything,” or “I did not know that we were exchanging gifts.” A smile and thank you is enough. This may not keep them from asking you about it, but you know that you have said the right thing, and can stop stressing about it.

Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
I am noticing that children are not either being taught, or making an effort when they are being taught, to be respectful to adults. My husband and I are always telling our children to make good eye contact, and shake hands when meeting or greeting an adult, but it has not fully sunk in yet. We took our kids to the Nutcracker Ballet a few weeks ago, and ran into some friends. Our kids acted shy, and were not very proactive in saying hello to our friends, and we had to basically prompt them step by step on how to act. We have gone over it so many times, but we now wonder if it is because they do not see other kids doing it either. I rarely get a “hello” from kids who know me, let alone eye contact, and a “how are you.” What is wrong with our kids today? Have you noticed this too?
L

Dear L,
One of the reason I run manners camps for kids is this very issue. Children are not respectful to adults, and I am sure our parents are horrified by this. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by going over it again and again with your kids. We practice meeting and greeting people as often as we can with our children. I remember doing this with my dad when I was little, and I thought it was ridiculous at the time, but it really worked.

Anytime we go out in public, we remind our kids on what they know socially, before we get out of the car. Before entering a restaurant, we say to them, “Remember not to run through the restaurant, and no loud voices.” When pulling up to a friend’s house, we tell them, “When you see Mr. and Mrs. Brown, remember to say hello, and to shake hands, and have good eye contact.” It will finally sink-in with your children. My older one (now in 4th grade) is very polite and conversational with adults. The 2nd grader is coming along, and we of course pray daily that the youngest does not say anything too rude to anyone. I am a manners teacher after all.