Finding Our Inner Peace

     At some point in our lives we have to ask ourselves, “what happened!”. We, as humans, seem to try to evaluate, anaylize and dissect our daily lives. I have found this behavior to be normal, spiritual and very self destructive in many degrees.

     My name is Harley, I am 45 years old and have had a life that I wish was very different. I have been searching for the ultimate love, a life of happiness, inner peace and salvation from my own fears.  In searching for this almighty life, I have become, to determined, one-sided, a loner, unforgiving, headstrong, opinionated and lost.

     It wasn’t untill recently that I found that love and inner peace was always there, in me. With this notion I also found the santurary of salvation of my own fears. I have worked all my life, since about 16. I quit school, went back to school later in life went on to be a mother, college student and so on. Nothing really made me happy. the harder that I worked the more I worked, the more money I made the more that I wanted. When love found me, I pushed it away. Drove it a way would be a better word.

     Being unemployed for the first time in my life has impacted me in a way that I was devastated, felt worthless, useless and almost suicidal. I felt like the whole world had dropped out on me. I could not find the way to get up in morning, go on looking for work, talk to people, network. I wanted to find a big hole and stay in it. Does this sound familiar? Well, it is a natural, uninhibited response.

     I have realized that we cannot change yesterday, only tomorrow, even at best just a little. No, we may not get the job that we were hoping for, but we can get a little lift. When it looks bleak and sometimes it is, look somewhere else and it is worse. I try to maintain by cleaning, compulsively I might add, reading, searching for work and writing and volunteering. 

      In my search for inner peace, I have come realized that I had it, that all I needed was to tap into it.  I ran away in a scene from my family, friends and people that I knew for a better, richer life. Which turned out to be the worse mistake that I have made. I am not near my Child or Grandchild and that is very difficult for me.  I had the happiness of being there with them, sharing smiles, laughs and tears. Seeing my grandchild in school, helping with homework and yes watching the little tyke when needed. This is not necessarily bad either. The smiles where unrelenting, I wish to be there with them. While still being unemployed probably but, smiling none the less. I had the ultimate happiness, and left it on the sunny shores. That is where my inner peace is, was and will always be. With my Family. So, I have pictures and conversations and accept what I cannot change. This allows me to know that though I am not there, I am still right there with them. The mental and emotional support that I receive is terrific. Well needed and sought after.