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How to Fix a Wedgie in Public

Here is how one goes about fixing a wedgie without giving public notice as to what’s going on.

Ok, so we’ve all been there in a store, walking down the street, somewhere in public and a wedgie attacks us. We want to reach behind and adjust our underwear. So we tend to look around and slowly reach behind as if nothing is the matter and discretely fix the problem. Here is how one goes about fixing a wedgie without giving public notice as to what’s going on.

First you want to perform a check to see what kind of wedgie you have, if it’s just an underwear one or if your pants are involved also. To test this, give your waistband a light tug to see if there is a corresponding tug. If not, it’s only your underwear getting frisky. If your pants are involved, you better start thinking of emergency evacuation procedures.

After figuring out what kind of wedgie you have, you want to causally widen your stance a bit to create some wiggle room. You then want to rock up on the balls of your feet a few times as if you’re bored or lost in thought. Underwear are tenacious invaders, and will probably not be dislodged by this maneuveru. But if your pants are involved in the wedgieness, you’ll feel them fall back in place. At least your wedgie will no longer be visible.

Now let’s try to attack this from the sides. Put both hands in your pockets and locate the elastic band of your underwear. Pinch the elastic and tug it forwards. This will pull your underwear tight across your bottom but not completely fix the problem. Make sure you are not doing this when others are looking because it’ll look like you’re doing something much shadier than you really are.

If there is a chair or bench available, go over to it and before sitting down you want to tighten your butt muscles to avoid further invasion. Then take a moment to enjoy the surroundings so you don’t draw too much attention to yourself.

As you sit, you want to shift your weight from cheek to cheek. This spreads the hemisphere of your bottom and creates an exit route for trespassing garments. As you’re about to stand, take a wider stance and stand up slowly. If all goes well, you’ll feel your pants slip free when you’re about a quarter of the way standing. When you feel the garments slip free, immediately tighten up against further intrusion. Then you want to take a couple large, slightly bowlegged steps to shake everything back in place.

It’s a long process, but it’s better than just reaching behind and pulling everything out from between your butt and letting everyone around you know that you’re a sufferer of wedgies.

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