How to Forgive: Can You Do It at All?

“When you seek it, you cannot find it.” – Zen proverb.

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Forgiveness is a topic that comes to face most people at least once in a while. It’s difficult to say towards which end of the problem we face most often. To forgive or be forgiven? Both are preferable to one alone, but we spend much more time wanting to be forgiven by those who have gone over us. And we want it in particular ways; with deep humility and true regret. Although few may admit to it, the fantasy of being ‘properly’ asked for forgiveness might occupy as much subconscious real-estate as the revenge fantasies we indulge in during our weaker moments. Yet, I find myself spending time these days wording if people can forgive at all. Can we forgive?

A big principal of 12 step recovery is admittance of your various wrongdoings and undertaking amends to correct them. This is approached with great caution, and should not be done if the amendment were to harm somebody else. It has been said that this is done for the purposes of “one’s own sanity”; a type of exorcism of toxic guilt one may or may not know they retain. But outside of recovery meetings, the topic of forgiveness is rarely breached. If you are a churchgoer, you are reminded that the divine forgiveness of God can only be obtained through devotion to God’s will, or some other variation of that adage. Children are often taught how to apologize by their parents. Some cultures place more importance on it than others (in Japan, people are expected to make relatively large, public displays when they apologize).  

To set a goal of “forgiving” someone is akin to setting a goal of “losing weight”. You lose weight by: A. Changing what you eat and B. Increasing your amount of activity. And how you do these 2 things can greatly differ among many diverse schools of thought. How many different forms of exercise can you think of? Or different types of diets? As many people can tell you themselves, finding the way is not as difficulty as sticking to the road. Forgiveness is similar to losing weight, you can forgive with: A. Words and/or B. Actions. But how you do it, and how often you can maintain discipline to these 2 principals, will greatly determine the amount of success you achieve.