Close your eyes and your window shades for days on end and wallow in your misery

Work up a deep burning rage for every real (and imagined) slight you have ever experienced in your entire life

Don’t shower, brush your teeth, comb your hair or make any other move toward appearing even somewhat pulled together

Wear your rattiest old bathrobe, or, better yet, his worn and tattered hockey shirt (or her ugly old sweater which, by the way, you always hated anyway)

Watch only those movies/TV programs guaranteed to make you cry and feel even more miserable than you already do

Do not watch or read ANYTHING relating to poverty, starvation, orphans, wars, disease, etc. This is akin to acknowledging that there are real people with real problems out there. Reality is quite a bummer when it shows up uninvited, especially to your pity party

Do not come in contact with anyone who may have bigger problems or more pain than you; this will only diminish your own

Cover every mirror in the house. No matter how miserable we may feel, each of us still have that little voice of reason within ourselves, and a glance in the mirror may be all it takes to set it loose.  You don’t want to be reasonable just yet

Do not read any self help books or articles.  Too many of the damn things make a lot of sense, and again, that’s not something you need right now.

Do not look at, think about, or communicate with anyone who truly believes there are two sides to every story. REMEMBER, in your case, and your case ONLY, there is one side… YOURS

Do not waste time, energy or brain cell activity looking within yourself.  This may lead to insights too much for you to handle right now

Get angry, be miserable and stay pissed off.  Kick the cat, be rude to the service clerk, curse the paperboy; whatever it takes.  Anger has always been such a productive way of life.

Also, try to get as little sleep as possible.  Being exhausted makes it so much easier to handle misery

Do not reflect or remember any of the good times and/or experiences you may have shared with your partner in the past.  This may encourage you to delve into insights less than flattering to your current position right now

Go over and over and over every nasty remark, snide comment and raging fight the two of you shared. NOTE: only allow memories of your partners side of the ugliness; remembering your own part may force you to admit that your are indeed less than perfect

Eat tons of junk food and drink as much soda, caffeine and alcohol as you can right now.  Then you can blame the extra ten pounds you gain (and the zits on your face) on the dirty rotten  (bleep) you used to call your soul mate  After all, he/she is already responsible for everything else that’s wrong in your life; why not add this to the list?

Make a list of all the wonderful things you did in the past for your partner. DO NOT make a similar list for him/her. (Again, too much insight…)

They say misery loves company, so what better way is there to stay miserable than hosting your own pity party?

Let me know how your party goes.  I just love success stories and happy endings, don’t you?