I don’t think there’s a single person out there who doesn’t know someone who can kill the mood in a room in a matter of seconds. It’s why we try not to hang out with them or even let them know what or where we’re going.

I don’t pretend to understand this strange breed of man, but being the brilliant scientist that I am I have documented some of this strange behaviour in the form of a step by step guide. Below are a few of the more well known methods they use in their endless pursuit.

Method One: The Freak and Run

A good friend once told me “If your going bitch and moan about something at least say something to the one responsible.”. This is a good point but when running away is added it can make for a confusing scene, no one wins here, us norms become confused and angry and you weird little people get ridiculed beyond recovery.

Step one

Scope and pick a target. Remember that a good target is always in the middle of doing something, that way they can’t chase after you immediately when you flee the scene.

A plus would be someone who’s doing something non-productive like playing a game or watching a film.

Guitar Hero is a good sort of game because no one wants to pause that when they’re on a roll and if your target is watching a film make sure their watching it with a few other people, that way they’ll be less inclined to chase you because no ones going to pause for the sake of one guy.

Step two

Don’t go in half cocked. Make sure no one is blocking your exit, no animals in earshot either, don’t want to raise your voice and have a dog chime in. Also have all doors leading away open and all possible hindrances such as chairs, bags and vacuum cleaners out of the way.

Get your facts straight too. If you start off with the wrong information you could look a right mess, and have a few back up arguments too. This will let you counter anything they might say quickly and effectively, for example; “I know I can be a bit pompous but my mum has a crippling illness.”

Step three

Fleeing the scene is very important, but doing so with the last word can be tricky, especially if your target is instantly infuriated by your attack and stops everything they are doing to fight back.

FACT: REPLYING TO ANY THREATS WITH “I don’t need this right now!” WILL NOT GAIN YOU ANY TIME WHILE FLEEING THE SCENE.

If confronted by someone not initially targeted, spread the damage by quickly saying “Don’t even get me started on you and your stupid (insert stupid thing done by person)”  this often works but make sure you interrupt any and all responses by talking louder than everyone else.

Remember, never stay too long lest you are made to explain yourself in greater detail. Now get out of there, don’t run, you can’t let yourself get caught but you shouldn’t sacrifice nonchalance for speed. You don’t want to turn an awkward situation into a funny one. God no, that would not do.

Method Two: The “Who Used my Cup?”

Its best remind people that your cup is no longer simply a cup and cannot be defined as such. It has become a metaphor for personal freedom and you cannot have freedom while others are using it willy-nilly.

Step one

Take charge. No one is listening? Shout! No one is looking at you? Stand in front the TV!

Step two

Let everyone know that while you respect their personal property they have shown none for yours. Explain that you are not being unreasonable, simply trying to stress the point that it is disrespectful and it is childish.

Don’t take no for an answer, someone knows who’s responsible, this is after all your cup and whoever used it did it on purpose!

Step three

Make a point of leaving the cup exactly where it is. This step is for advanced users only as it takes balls of steal to leave a symbol of personal space out in the open for the philistines to see.

After this step you must leave the room, slam a couple of doors if you can and try to leave the premises if at all possible. This will give the culprit time to see the error of their ways and eventually confess to you.

Method Three: Asking People to Clean

Always done while something social is happening, this method is an absolute gem.

Step one

Gauge social atmosphere as best you can. If everyone is really unhappy or indifferent you will have a poor impact. Where as if people are laughing, smiling and generally happy, you will gain optimum life soakage in the room.

Step two

Ask away! This is a fool proof method. The only possible chance it has of going wrong is if you talk to the wrong person, someone who is impeccably clean around the house.

Be super serious, like it’s really really important. If their reply is a quick “uh, yeah. Sure, no problem.”, touch them on the shoulder and let them know again that you really need them to clean up after themselves. Don’t talk quietly either. You need everyone in the room to hear you, so speak up.

Step three

Still haven’t managed to kill the mood? Why not try taking that person by the arm and asking (quite loudly) to talk to them outside for a minute. This forces that person to submit to answering peoples questions as to what that was all about and subsequently draining the fun from the room. Hurray!

Method Four: Asking for Change While Everyone Else is Leaving a Tip

Everyone else is adding a little to the bill as a thank you for the kind service. But you had to ask them to bring you meat balls that were just balls of meat and not balls of meat with herbs, onions, egg and flour and all the other bits of crap that add taste and hold it all into ball shape.

No no no, this will not do. You must have satisfaction, never mind that you didn’t have to actually pay for the meatballs in the end and that the meal was really nice and that the staff were actually quite exceptional considering how packed the restaurant was.

Step one

Don’t let anyone see how much is actually in your wallet. Pull out a big note or two and ask the waitress for change. If at this stage anyone asks just say you need it for the bus or something.

Step two

Receiving your change is an opportunity for atmospheric deprivation. When taking it from someone you have to snatch it and count it quickly. Do not thank them and certainly do not break eye contact while snatching, keep a disapproving look on your face at all times.

Step three

This is possibly the most important step. Look at the bill, ask how much everyone gave and exclaim, “Why would you give them so much? I’m not going to give them a penny!”.

And remember, be unnecessarily angry. It puts people off talking if they feel it’s their fault you’re mad.

So there you have it, a few three step guides to sucking the life out of a room. Enjoy!