How to Suck the Life Out of a Room

I don’t think there’s a single person out there who doesn’t know someone who can kill the mood in a room in a matter of seconds. It’s why we try not to hang out with them or even let them know what or where we’re going.

I don’t pretend to understand this strange breed of man, but being the brilliant scientist that I am I have documented some of this strange behaviour in the form of a step by step guide. Below are a few of the more well known methods they use in their endless pursuit.

Method One: The Freak and Run

A good friend once told me “If your going bitch and moan about something at least say something to the one responsible.”. This is a good point but when running away is added it can make for a confusing scene, no one wins here, us norms become confused and angry and you weird little people get ridiculed beyond recovery.

Step one

Scope and pick a target. Remember that a good target is always in the middle of doing something, that way they can’t chase after you immediately when you flee the scene.

A plus would be someone who’s doing something non-productive like playing a game or watching a film.

Guitar Hero is a good sort of game because no one wants to pause that when they’re on a roll and if your target is watching a film make sure their watching it with a few other people, that way they’ll be less inclined to chase you because no ones going to pause for the sake of one guy.

Step two

Don’t go in half cocked. Make sure no one is blocking your exit, no animals in earshot either, don’t want to raise your voice and have a dog chime in. Also have all doors leading away open and all possible hindrances such as chairs, bags and vacuum cleaners out of the way.

Get your facts straight too. If you start off with the wrong information you could look a right mess, and have a few back up arguments too. This will let you counter anything they might say quickly and effectively, for example; “I know I can be a bit pompous but my mum has a crippling illness.”