How to Suck the Life Out of a Room

Step one

Gauge social atmosphere as best you can. If everyone is really unhappy or indifferent you will have a poor impact. Where as if people are laughing, smiling and generally happy, you will gain optimum life soakage in the room.

Step two

Ask away! This is a fool proof method. The only possible chance it has of going wrong is if you talk to the wrong person, someone who is impeccably clean around the house.

Be super serious, like it’s really really important. If their reply is a quick “uh, yeah. Sure, no problem.”, touch them on the shoulder and let them know again that you really need them to clean up after themselves. Don’t talk quietly either. You need everyone in the room to hear you, so speak up.

Step three

Still haven’t managed to kill the mood? Why not try taking that person by the arm and asking (quite loudly) to talk to them outside for a minute. This forces that person to submit to answering peoples questions as to what that was all about and subsequently draining the fun from the room. Hurray!

Method Four: Asking for Change While Everyone Else is Leaving a Tip

Everyone else is adding a little to the bill as a thank you for the kind service. But you had to ask them to bring you meat balls that were just balls of meat and not balls of meat with herbs, onions, egg and flour and all the other bits of crap that add taste and hold it all into ball shape.

No no no, this will not do. You must have satisfaction, never mind that you didn’t have to actually pay for the meatballs in the end and that the meal was really nice and that the staff were actually quite exceptional considering how packed the restaurant was.

Step one

Don’t let anyone see how much is actually in your wallet. Pull out a big note or two and ask the waitress for change. If at this stage anyone asks just say you need it for the bus or something.

Step two

Receiving your change is an opportunity for atmospheric deprivation. When taking it from someone you have to snatch it and count it quickly. Do not thank them and certainly do not break eye contact while snatching, keep a disapproving look on your face at all times.

Step three

This is possibly the most important step. Look at the bill, ask how much everyone gave and exclaim, “Why would you give them so much? I’m not going to give them a penny!”.

And remember, be unnecessarily angry. It puts people off talking if they feel it’s their fault you’re mad.

So there you have it, a few three step guides to sucking the life out of a room. Enjoy!