Life After Abuse: Therapy is Not a Dirty Word

Recovering from an abusive relationship is, to borrow an old expression from the U.S. Marine Corps, something that leaves you “sadder but wiser.” It is not an easy thing at all. If you’re working on it by yourself, it is exponentially more difficult. While friends and family can prove wonderful sources of support during the recovery process, the assistance of trained mental health professionals makes it much easier.

The trauma of an abusive relationship often runs far deeper then we realize. Early on in my efforts to recover from an abusive relationship, I found myself becoming highly upset in situations that made little sense to me at first. In working with my therapist, I realized that those situations reminded me of different ones where I had been abused. At times the reminders were incredibly subtle, like the way light flashed off of a piece of silverware reminded me of the time my abuser forced me to do things at knife point, and at other times they were obvious, such as the self-defense lesson that in many ways replicated how my abuser subdued me before raping me. I, however, didn’t realize these connections until the therapist pointed out how they were tied to the past events in my mind.

Therapy is a frightening concept for many survivors. For many, the lingering questions as to if they’ll be believed by their therapist (or any other person, actually) when they describe the abuse is very difficult to surmount. For others, the social stigma of seeking help with one’s mental health is great enough that they never act. The social stigma of being a victim or survivor of abuse is equally daunting and the combination can be enough to make a survivor decide to “tough it out” on their own.

It is possible, when you set aside the social stigma and the self-doubt, to find a great deal of help in therapy. It can make it easier for several different reasons. The first of which is the fact that in your therapist, you have an unbiased person to speak to about the abuse. They will not immediately condemn you as a liar or otherwise denigrate you as you divulge the details about what you experienced. If your therapist does act in this fashion, it’s time to find a new one.

The therapist gives you a support person who does not have the emotional ties that sometimes makes it so very hard to talk about the abuse. Often, our friends and loved ones are quick to anger when we discuss what our abusers did to us. This outrage, while justified and on our behalf, can quickly seem to be directed at the survivor if phrased poorly or timed badly. They also will not become upset over the descriptions of the abuse, where by the survivor may feel guilty for discussing it because they’ve distressed their support person. Again, this response is generally due to the emotional tie to the survivor.