Love in Roswell

Dear Sandy,

I don’t really know if it’s your cup of tea but I have an awful problem with makeup. I’m never very sure whether to apply my blusher above or below my foundation. Applying below creates a subtle effect but doesn’t last as I often work outdoors which, as you know, can play hell with your complexion. Any advice would be appreciated. I am a 42 year old bricklayer.

Eric, Vancouver

Dear Eric,

Makeup is no mystery to me and I am renowned for my mastery of moisturiser. The secret lies not in which order you apply your war paint but in the quantity. I would apply it with a trowel which, in your trade, should pose no problems.

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

I found a photograph of a woman in my husband’s wallet. He claims it is of an alien woman, Zenga, who seduced him in her UFO while refuelling in a petrol station on the M8. However she looks suspiciously like Celia Bagshot who works in the local bakery. Should I confront him?

Linda, Stirling

Dear Linda,

It is a well known fact in the UFO community that Celia Bagshot was abducted by aliens while on holiday in Roswell and replaced by the Venusian seductress Zenga with the express aim of getting herself impregnated by an Earthman. Your husband had no say in this matter as Earthmen are powerless to resist alien female wiles. But please ensure that your husband is not coerced into making any form of child maintenance payments for his alien spawn as Venus has no reciprocal legal agreements with Earth.

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

My daughter has recently told me that she would like be a strumpet when she grows up. This has come as something of a shock as I have had her name down for trollop school since she was born, in honour of her mother. Can you tell me the difference between a trollop and a strumpet?

Tom, Cal.

Dear Tom,

The difference between a strumpet and a trollop is easy to spot. Whereas a strumpet will allow you an occasional peek, your experienced trollop will insist on you looking. This includes holding you in a headlock to focus your attention. Trollops are not tae be messed with!

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

I have recently taken up jogging and hope to take part in a 10k charity run soon. Can you suggest a training regime which can get me into shape quickly as I haven’t done any physical exercise for several years.

Florence, Wales

Dear Florence,

The important thing with training regimes is getting adequate rest. I would recommend a thorough rest both before and after a good night’ sleep, followed by a period of intense relaxation.

Sandy