Measuring Loss of a Loved One

The Measure of a Tragedy

Everyone has misplaced their wallet at some time in their life, and I am willing to bet it was an awful experience. It is always there one minute and gone the next, however you do not worry about it at first. You think to yourself that you had it in the house just yesterday; it has to be around here somewhere. Maybe on a first run through the house you give up, declaring something else more worthy of your time. When you finally accept that it is lost though, the first course of action is to scour your house looking for it, comfortable with the knowledge that it has to be around there somewhere. Picking through the dirty laundry, turning out pant pockets, checking in between couch cushions, are places you search all with the hope that it could have slid into one these nooks. You might even find yourself checking unrealistic places such as the inside of cabinets or kitchen drawers. In the back of your mind you are starting to worry about the lost sum of money, credit cards, and drivers license. Once you have determined that it cannot possibly be inside of the house, you go outside to the car. Digging underneath the car seats, tension and frustration are mounting as the thought that it may be unrecoverable sits darkly in the back of your mind, peering outward with a taunting smile. The next step is to call around town to places you have recently been, or even act more proactively by retracing your steps and driving to these places. Maybe you tell yourself that you just want the wallet back, it is fine if someone took the cash. If you are lucky the wallet is returned to you, queuing a feeling of immense relief, allowing you to stare back at the doom and gloom thoughts in the back of your head; no standing in line for a new license, no coming to terms with lost cash, no canceling credit cards or dealing with fraudulent payments. The fear and anxiety caused by losing a wallet is a terrible inconvenience, and when it happens it feels like a great tragedy. If we are so quick to label a day-to-day occurrence as a tragedy, how do we measure what is true tragedy, such as losing a parent?

How does one cope with the loss of a parent? When I was a little younger than fourteen years old my mother was diagnosed with small cell cancer. When my parents told me about it I was at the computer, sitting in the chat lobby of my game of choice, Diablo. Both my mother and father came in to tell me that she was sick, to tell me that we were going to fight it. What do you say in response to the knowledge that someone you love might be leaving you forever? After all when you are younger, you know it to be a fact your parents will always be there with you. In just one minute, I went from being concerned about my progress in a silly videogame to having to face the very real concept of mortality. The gravity of the situation did not hit me then, I could hardly believe that my mother dying would be a reality I would have to think about, that this could not happen to me. At the time it all seemed so unreal, that someone can be there one minute and then infinitely gone the next, mere memories taking the place of flesh and blood. A better question might not be how one copes with this loss, but instead when will one stop coping with it? At this point in my life I still do not know. Every so often I will go days without the slightest hint or reminder, but on other days it will be the main focus of my mind. I ask myself how “X” would be with her, how she would feel about Y, or even what life would be like today if she were still here. The question I will always wonder is what she would think of who I have become, with the only conclusion being that she would be proud, but there will always be that suspicion in the back of my mind asking “really?” Perhaps this is the first indicator of measuring loss; the loss of a wallet is a transient event; the loss of a parent is everlasting. Possibly, to measure loss is a matter of measuring your ability to bring closure to the event.