Raise Your Self Up

I read so many poems from Triond readers that deal with despair, agony, pain and depression. This truly saddens my heart. My empathy knows no bounds for these people. I understand what you are going through. As most of my readers know, I was severely abused by my father from the age of four until I was fifteen, when I finally fought back. I beat the hell out of him and he never tried it again. I was so full of anger, resentment, hatred and pain that I despised the world and everyone in the world. I turned to substance abuse and alcohol and would fight anyone at the drop of a hat. This lasted well into my late thirties, though after I moved out of the house, I calmed down some and took up with a circle of friends whose main goal was to party like the world was going to end. I went through some peaceful times, but they were rare. Bizarre as it is, I was also raised in the church and had become a Christian at an early age. While I ignored my beliefs in God during my rebellious years, my faith also stopped me from committing suicide, which I struggled with many times. I did violent things which should have landed me in jail or prison, but I managed to elude those consequences every time. I went through long periods of depression.

The poems I have read are writings of complete despondency, pain and utter hopelessness. I am here to tell you that you do not have to live this way. For those of you who believe in God, there is no greater help you can receive than prayer. For those of you who do not believe in God, there is always help out there for you. I beg you to seek counseling or therapy. I finally did. I found a great psychiatrist who, after many sessions, concluded that I had Post Traumatic Distress Syndrome and that I had been depressed my entire life. He told me the PTDS came from the beatings. He said that was like being in a war zone, because I was always in fear, not knowing when the next attack would come. I sought out a therapist who decided I needed to try EMDR. EMDR requires a lengthy explanation of how it works, but you can read my article EMDR CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE, if you want to know more.