Relating to Difficult People

by Ruby Hawk in Advice, April 20, 2010

Relating to difficult people is a task we all must deal with at one time or another. Finding some common ground is essential. Learning these rules for communicating with difficult people will make your life easier and less stressful.

Why is it that some people are easy to relate to and others are not? It is true that united we stand, divided we fall. We get along better with those who have similar tastes to our own .Differences between friends are easier to settle because we share similarities. It goes without saying that finding common ground is essential to dealing with difficult people as well.

Have you ever talked with someone and found you both went to the same school? When you found out, didn’t you feel closer to that person? Have you found yourself with someone who had a strong accent and found yourself talking a little like them? It’s your natural urge to blend with someone you like. Without blending the difference between you becomes the basis for conflict.

Unconsciously, people want to know, are you with me or not. That is one thing you have in common with difficult people. Only after establishing some basis for trust will you be able to meet that person on common ground.

Some people smile when they talk, some scowl, others continually move their hands. The person who smiles see the one who scowls as hateful. The person who keeps his hands in motion sees the one who only talks with his mouth as stuck up and reserved. When people get along they usually mirror each others behavior. Watch other people and see if that isn’t true. Mirroring sends the message. I’m with you. I’m not against you.

One way to get along with a difficult person is to blend with one aspect of his body language. Don’t go overboard or it will look as if you are mocking him. One thing you should never blend with is any hostile gesture. Do not meet aggression with aggression. You would naturally talk louder if they do. Talk quieter if they do. If you don’t blend with their volume of speech you might end up in a serious misunderstanding. To successfully communicate with people you will of necessity blend your voice volume and speed with theirs.

Don’t distract the difficult person by puzzled looks or interruptions, instead nod in agreement, and say an occasional, uh-huh or oh. Give the impression that you are listening to every word. When they begin repeating themselves it’s time to give some feed back. Repeat some of what they have told you. Show that you have heard them. Ask some questions, like who, where, how. This is especially necessary when dealing with a difficult person on the phone.

It’s almost impossible to reason with a disturbed person, but you can behave as if you care and understand. With this attitude a difficult person will usually become less difficult.

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