Saying No

As very little children, we have no problem saying ‘No.’ In fact ‘No‘ is usually one of the first three words, if not the first, we learn.

Saying ‘No’ is quite a self focused act.  We see ourselves as the centre of the universe and everyone else as encroaching.

As we get older we are taught to please other people. We have to live in society, hence we have to share, and we must give up some of our autonomy to belong.

So we don’t want to visit Aunt Dot, but we have to. We don’t want to play with Bratica, but we have to. We don’t want to clean up the room, but we have to.

In short, we can not say ‘no‘.

As we get older saying ‘no‘ becomes more and more difficult. We think of what others did ‘for us’ and feel obligated, and begin to lose that self focus which is necessary for survival.

By High School there are those kids who seem to exist to please everyone else.

Whether it is that girl who feels she has to have sex with every boy who asks, or that boy who, because he has a car becomes the unpaid chauffeur for all his friends, the ability to put self above others is eroded.

By the time we are adults there are always some ‘workhorses’ who are constantly used and abused to do everything.

Calling Renee to run a cake sale, organise a P.T.A. meeting, have a scout troop use her home, have her cater for the maj jjong game, is the usual pattern.  Renee has lost the ability to say ‘no’.

Saying ‘No’ is an affirmation of one’s integrity.  It is an awesome power.

At first one might feel ‘guilty’ or ’selfish’ but when one says ‘No‘ the jolt of autonomy is often overwhelming.

The most well balanced happiest people have learned the power of ‘no’.  Learned not to allow themselves to be used, abused, treated as part of someone else’s fantasy world, nor obligated to ‘pay’ other people for treating them as if they have a right to live.

Most of us get ourselves into the quandary;  “Milton asked me to dinner. I have to work with Milton. I have to maintain a good relationship with Milton. Therefore, although I don’t want to go to dinner with Milton, I better.”

Milton choses the restaurant, (after all, he is paying so it is his choice).  We don’t like that restaurant, we don’t like the food, but we have to make the best of it.

As the evening progresses, we are acceding more and more of ourself to Milton, as if he has a right to live, we have to acquiesce to his will.

Why?

Why do we not think, “No Thanks, Milton.”

Sacrificing ourselves for the ‘Greater Good’ means someone else is getting the benefit.

So everyone takes credit for the work you did, (it doesn’t matter who does the work, it needs to be done), so someone else has a great time, (so what if you were miserable), some one else’s life is enhanced, (you don’t have a life, you are a facilitator).

The hard landing happens when you realise these things, and that had you said ‘no‘ you would not be the one feeling used.

Live by the rule; “If you don’t want to do it, don’t.”

Sure, once and a while you want to be a facilitator, but you have no obligation so to do.

Many clubs/groups/organisations survive on the back of one person. If that person drops out, so ends the association. When that is true, there is no association.

A football team consists of eleven players. When only one is doing the work, the team loses.

Do not make yourself incapable of saying ‘no’.  Do not become the fulcrum for other people’s lives.

If you don’t want to have sex with that person, don’t. It doesn’t matter what he did, that’s his life. Those were his choices. So he took you to the movies. His choice. So he bought you popcorn. His choice. You don’t want to have sex with him, you obey you. The most important person in your life is you. If you are not there, you have no life.

Learn to say no when it is not what you really want to do. You’ll feel very good about it in the morning.