Smile Through The Pain

Yet again, I am facing a maybe death of a child. My boys were not going to be born let alone live long. My oldest is about to be eighteen. Now my baby girl is facing the maybe of the C word. We don’t call the monster by its name until the tests are done and it can’t be anything else. At five, she has had a tough road to go down with Autism, now this.

I have learned a few things in my time as a parent that not all parents get to know. I know that birthdays are beyond important when the Doctors tell you that there would not be one let alone two or three or another one.

I learned to never let time go by so quick that you miss the funny things your child does. Never be too busy that you do not catch them laughing at sunshine or crying over a squished bug. You may just need that memory one day to remind your self to smile.

I learned that sometimes the illness will win a bit but never will it win it all. I try to never do for the kids what they can learn to do for themselves. However, being both human and a mother, some times I forget. I picked up the baby when he couldn’t get his little malfunctioning legs going to catch up with his sisters. I cried like I couldn’t when he screamed through his physical therapy. No one can be strong all the time even when she tries. Yet another learned lesson.

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I learned just a few days ago that my children’s strength could be my weakness. As my girl sat through the needles as if they were nothing, I felt each prick and wanted to slug the tech.  I wanted to buy her the moon while all she asked for was a sticker.

I learned that Doctors never tell you enough and the internet tells you more then enough. Never, ever look up some maybe unless the kids are in bed and the spouse is not watching. Be prepared to process before having to put on that face we wear when we are the family’s Duct Tape.