Spiritual Equity: Part 1

It pops up in so many areas of life. It’s a factor in most of our decision-making and shows up in all of our relationships. Self-esteem.

“Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.” – Nathaniel Branden

When it comes to the subject of abuse, much more time is spent focusing on the abusers and all of their issues, that at the end of the day, the victim is left out of the mix in terms of getting help.

We are always told that if a man hits you once, he will hit you again. But if a woman is in an abusive relationship once, she will be again if she doesn’t get the help she needs.

It is my belief that often these things don’t get stated because we are afraid to come off like we are blaming the victim. Telling a victim of abuse that it was the fault of the abuser is one thing. Allowing the victim to believe that they are okay once they get out of that relationship leaves their self-esteem in the same broken place and makes way for them to attract the next man who will abuse them.

In my research, I came across many resources that address the self-esteem issues that occur as a result of abuse, but very little on how low self-esteem can lead a person into an abusive relationship.

Part of the aftermath of an abusive relationship has to include addressing the self-esteem issues of the victim. I cannot stress enough that how you allow people to treat you is a significant marker of how you feel about yourself.

Your self-esteem and self worth will ultimately be responsible for what attracts you to a person – and what attracts them to you. And this goes for all types of relationships – family, friends, and lovers.

As we begin to delve into the complex topic of abuse, it is important to include self-esteem in the conversation.  No physical abuse happens to a person without leaving an emotional scar.

When a person stays in an abusive relationship, it is usually not simply out of fear. You can be assured that with that fear, is an issue of low self-esteem and self worth. Abusers take full advantage of a person whose self-esteem is not in tact, because they know (consciously or subconsciously) that this person is vulnerable, and easy prey.

We all look for a significant other to be equal and in some aspects, opposite us (even in homosexual relationships), for that is what makes balance possible. Both people in an abusive relationship suffer from low self-esteem.

When I spoke about the process of finding a significant other in “The List,” I compared it to the hiring process. If you have the kind of self-esteem that allows you to be a victim, you are far more likely to attract to you someone who needs that in a person.

An abuser needs a victim in order to make that relationship work.

This is not in any way to blame the victim, but rather to empower her.
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word ‘victim’ as: “one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions; one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.”

So many of us have been conditioned to believe that the physical or financial aggressor is the one in control.  Many victims of abuse feel that they have no control or power in the situation and therefore cannot leave. 

But in any relationship, both parties start out with equal control – until someone starts to give theirs away.  There are two players in every game. If the person you are in a relationship with hits you… and you stay, you have given away your control. I say this as someone who has been there.

The level of control you demand is determined by your self-esteem. So when I talk about self-esteem and self worth, it is to say that a person that tries to gain more than their fair share of control does so in an attempt to compensate for their own low self-esteem.  The person that
gives up their control in a relationship likely didn’t feel worthy of that control in the first place.

I’ve said before that the person you are in a relationship with is a reflection of your own self-esteem. What you feel you deserve is equal to what you think you are worth.

Self-esteem plays the largest part in the way we set our standards – in love and in life.  It is the most powerful asset we possess. Our self worth is our spiritual equity.

The question now becomes, how do you restore or boost the self-esteem and self worth of someone who has been so damaged emotionally?

We will get into this topic more in Part 2 at The Accidental Therapist http://www.theaccidentaltherapist.com/