Sudden Deaths: What Should You Say

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In the last few weeks, there have been several sudden deaths and the media has been involved. I prefer not to get into a lenghty article about the tragic death of Sandra Cantu. Many people wrote some rather nasty comments on Topix that are not in keeping with a polite society. Of course anytime a child dies it attracts media attention, on some of it I feel it is overkill, but I am not writing this to argue.

A child goes out into his backyard to play on a swingset that collapses on him. The child is killed, and the parents are left with their grief and to ponder why. Sometimes some things just cannot be explained and people will always afix blame. The truth is in cases like this and in cases like a friend of my family the less you say the better.

My friend stopped alongside a highway to look at something, somehow he left the brake either unset or the vehicle was in gear. He did what I have done several times and that is to try to stop the car. He was dragged along and the car got away from him. He fell backwards and his head hit the pavement. The result was catrostrophic. He had major damage to his brain stem which caused total organ failure and he died.

What do you do in these cases, well it is like what a woman who husband was murdered told me a long time ago. “You don’t have to say anything, because I would not know myself. Just your being hear says it.” I believe in that theory, if you have nothing to say that will be comforting, a simple hug and I am sorry suffices. You should be careful with statements like this, he is in a better place, well at least he did not have to suffer long. Maybe that is true but the bereaved does not want to hear that at that time. In fact you really can not say if they are in a better place, perhaps the family wants their loved one alive and with them. You have to give a person who is grieving time to digest their loss. Sending cards, making food stuff for them to eat, even offering to babysit are ways of expressing your sympathy. Be prepared to listen to them and offer to stay in the house while the funeral is being conducted is a jesture of sympathy. Sometimes the words that you don’t say mean the most to the grieving person.

When they want to talk about their loved one, they will and you should let them express their feelings. Sudden death means that the person died suddenly either by accident or other traumatic injuries. It is different than a person who dies from a lengthy illness, although the same principal applies. You need to remember that if family member is not strong, you can be strong for them.