I’m not quite sure how it happened, but one day it hit me – I had lost control of my life, and I was not happy.  I felt as though every last minute of my time, every last emotion, every last thought, and every last dime I had was assigned to someone else besides me who had something they wanted to do with it.  All I knew for sure was that it wasn’t me.  I sat down and started to think about my life and what I was having a problem with and decided it was all the toxic people and relationships I allowed in my life.

Toxic Work

It happens to everyone, we get a job that pays the bills, but doesn’t emotionally satisfy.  Nothing wrong with that.  But when we reach the point that the only reason, and I mean ONLY reason we get up in the morning and trudge off to work is the money…it’s time for a change.

What is harder to change is when you have to deal with toxic people at work.  And deal with them you must.  Allowing a toxic person to poison your life through your job will take years off your life.  And there are a lot of people who get off on just that.

That I know of, the only solution to a toxic boss is to transfer or quit.  I wish I could recommend any of the numerous strategies that others recommend to work with that type of boss, but I just don’t think a job is worth that kind of emotional investment.  Especially when you’re tearing yourself up inside to get through the day.

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Dealing with toxic co-workers is a bit easier than dealing with a toxic boss.  But it will still require just as much of a backbone.  I have found that it usually manifests itself as a lack of cooperation from the other employee.  If they are your direct underling, you need to address any lack of cooperation immediately.  Failure to do so will only encourage them to continue to be uncooperative.  Document each and every infraction, spell out what the problem was, and what the solution is and make sure the employee and your Human Resources department get a copy of this.  Do not hesitate to fire an uncooperative employee after sufficient warning.  It is your responsibility as their superior to solve the problem.

  If they are not an underling but an equal or semi-equal, it’s usually the same problem, lack of cooperation.  Although this can manifest itself as not keeping up their end of the work so that you are forced to do what they do not wish to.  Again, you will want to document exactly what is happening.  Personally, I would document three instances and then go to a superior.  I wouldn’t even bother going to the co-worker as it will usually just provoke anger or some kind of retaliation.  Go to a superior and ask for clarification of your job duties.  Your superior may or may not do anything.  If not, or if the co-worker decides to continue to make your life a living hell, it may be time to move on.  It’s just a job, and life is too short to spend it in constant turmoil.

Toxic Friends

Janet and Peggy are friends and roommates.  Janet works a low stress job, although she will deny it, and she has made the decision to live a life that does not involve having a car since her job is only a ten minute bus ride away.  Peggy works a high stress salaried position that consumes large portions of her time.  She must have a dependable vehicle to perform the duties of her job.

The other day, Janet walked over to Peggy who was working at their kitchen table and announced “I’m hungry”. 

Peggy looked up and said “So?  Have something to eat.”

“I don’t have anything.” Janet said.

Peggy just grunted.

Janet raised her voice and said again “I don’t have anything.  In case you haven’t noticed I don’t have a car to carry groceries home!”

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Peggy set down her pen, “Let’s get something straight right now.  You have chosen to live a life without  a vehicle.  With all that entails.  I said you could come with me when I went to the store on Saturday.  But I am not interrupting this work I have to get done just to take you to the store right now.  Order a pizza if you’re hungry.  They deliver.”

Toxic friends tend to take the form of lazy manipulators and blame pushers.  In this case Janet is not only trying to guilt Peggy into taking her to the store, but has assigned the blame and the effects for her own choices onto Peggy.  Their motto seems to be never do something yourself that you can get someone else to do for you.  Whether it is to be their personal chauffeur, as in the case of Janet and Peggy, or something as simple as always expecting you to be the one they come to for stamps and taking stuff out to the mailbox.  The fact that this means that now you run out of stamps twice as fast and have to make twice as many trips so that you have an adequate supply of stamps means absolutely nothing to them.

They don’t care.  And you need to not care about them in these trivial matters.  Do what you need to do to get the point across.  Take the stamp-moochers mail and let it sit on your dashboard for 2 weeks.  You aren’t their momma, and you sure as heck aren’t their spouse.  When they get the late fee for not mailing it on time they may decide to do it themselves next time.  If that doesn’t work, it’s probably time to move on and find some better quality friends.

The details of their lives are not your responsibility.

Toxic Family

Toxic family members tend to come in three flavors, or combination thereof.  The lazy-manipulator, the control-freak-manipulator, and the living-vicariously-through-you-manipulator.

You deal with the lazy-manipulator the same as the toxic friend.  You aren’t their momma, and if you fail them enough times they will stop asking you to do stuff for them.

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The other two types of manipulator are harder to deal with because if they don’t get what they want they will get downright dirty and nasty about it.  They will guilt trip you, call down the wrath of God on you, or play the sickness card.  All of these are underhanded ways to try to manipulate you.

Unfortunately with family it is sometimes the toughest problem to deal with.  You may have to end up severing the relationship, at least for a time until their desire to be a part of your life teaches them they need to respect your sovereignty in your own life.

On the other hand, if they are providing you with some kind of resource, such as a place to live, we can only cite you the Golden Rule – He who has the gold…makes the rules.  It is only when you become independent that you have the right to independence.

Honoring Your Father and Mother and Being a Nice Person

Toxic parents are great for mis-using the Bible to coerce even grown children into complying with their wishes.  And personally I think it is one of the greatest sins a parent can commit against their child because of the anti-God grudge it instills in children.  It is a parents God given responsibility to let go when the time comes.  Not to cripple their children’s lives.

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If you are of the age of majority where you live, and you supply the upkeep for your needs and lifestyle, you honor your Father and Mother by respecting them.  Not by being a physical slave to them.  Or worse, a mental or emotional slave.  Parents do not have the right to steal their children’s lives from them.

It’s ok.  You are not a bad person no matter what your parents said.

It’s also ok to tell your friend you can’t take them to the grocery store.  You are responsible for your life, and they are responsible for theirs.  You are responsible for your choices and what those bring into your life, and they are responsible for their decisions and what those bring into their lives.

You don’t have to turn into an ogre to accomplish this.  But you do have to make the choice not to be other people’s doormat.  And be sure to remember to be responsible for the details of your own life as you untangle the details of others from yours.

And when you manage to get those boundaries set up and settled, guess what?  Giving won’t feel like a chore anymore.  You will find yourself being able to be charitable and do things for people.  It will be because you want to, not because it’s your responsibility.

Some people will read this article and say “I’m a nice person and I never manipulate anybody.”  Nine times out of ten it’s a good bet you’re one of the manipulators.

If on the other hand you worry about not doing the right thing or being nice…your nice.