Taking Back Control of Your Life
by How not to be a bad person while taking back control of your life from the toxic people in your life. Solving the problem of toxic family, toxic friends, toxic co-workers, and how not to get caught in their clutches in the future.
Toxic friends tend to take the form of lazy manipulators and blame pushers. In this case Janet is not only trying to guilt Peggy into taking her to the store, but has assigned the blame and the effects for her own choices onto Peggy. Their motto seems to be never do something yourself that you can get someone else to do for you. Whether it is to be their personal chauffeur, as in the case of Janet and Peggy, or something as simple as always expecting you to be the one they come to for stamps and taking stuff out to the mailbox. The fact that this means that now you run out of stamps twice as fast and have to make twice as many trips so that you have an adequate supply of stamps means absolutely nothing to them.
They don’t care. And you need to not care about them in these trivial matters. Do what you need to do to get the point across. Take the stamp-moochers mail and let it sit on your dashboard for 2 weeks. You aren’t their momma, and you sure as heck aren’t their spouse. When they get the late fee for not mailing it on time they may decide to do it themselves next time. If that doesn’t work, it’s probably time to move on and find some better quality friends.
The details of their lives are not your responsibility.
Toxic Family
Toxic family members tend to come in three flavors, or combination thereof. The lazy-manipulator, the control-freak-manipulator, and the living-vicariously-through-you-manipulator.
You deal with the lazy-manipulator the same as the toxic friend. You aren’t their momma, and if you fail them enough times they will stop asking you to do stuff for them.
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The other two types of manipulator are harder to deal with because if they don’t get what they want they will get downright dirty and nasty about it. They will guilt trip you, call down the wrath of God on you, or play the sickness card. All of these are underhanded ways to try to manipulate you.
Unfortunately with family it is sometimes the toughest problem to deal with. You may have to end up severing the relationship, at least for a time until their desire to be a part of your life teaches them they need to respect your sovereignty in your own life.
On the other hand, if they are providing you with some kind of resource, such as a place to live, we can only cite you the Golden Rule – He who has the gold…makes the rules. It is only when you become independent that you have the right to independence.
Honoring Your Father and Mother and Being a Nice Person
Toxic parents are great for mis-using the Bible to coerce even grown children into complying with their wishes. And personally I think it is one of the greatest sins a parent can commit against their child because of the anti-God grudge it instills in children. It is a parents God given responsibility to let go when the time comes. Not to cripple their children’s lives.
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If you are of the age of majority where you live, and you supply the upkeep for your needs and lifestyle, you honor your Father and Mother by respecting them. Not by being a physical slave to them. Or worse, a mental or emotional slave. Parents do not have the right to steal their children’s lives from them.
It’s ok. You are not a bad person no matter what your parents said.
It’s also ok to tell your friend you can’t take them to the grocery store. You are responsible for your life, and they are responsible for theirs. You are responsible for your choices and what those bring into your life, and they are responsible for their decisions and what those bring into their lives.
You don’t have to turn into an ogre to accomplish this. But you do have to make the choice not to be other people’s doormat. And be sure to remember to be responsible for the details of your own life as you untangle the details of others from yours.
And when you manage to get those boundaries set up and settled, guess what? Giving won’t feel like a chore anymore. You will find yourself being able to be charitable and do things for people. It will be because you want to, not because it’s your responsibility.
Some people will read this article and say “I’m a nice person and I never manipulate anybody.” Nine times out of ten it’s a good bet you’re one of the manipulators.
If on the other hand you worry about not doing the right thing or being nice…your nice.
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