Do social events make you nervous? Do you struggle to find things to talk about with certain people? Would you like a few tips on how to better converse with your family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and new people? If so, reading this article is a great first step on the way to improving your conversational skills!

The first step (which naturally leads to the rest of the steps) in a conversation (after introductions, if you don’t know the other person(s) involved) is to make small talk for about five minutes or so, or until those participating in the conversation seem to be at ease with talking to each other. Try to find things that interest/involve your fellow conversationalists by taking into account what’s going on around you, the event you are there for, where you are at, what they are wearing, etc. For example, if you notice that somebody is wearing Nike shoes and that’s a particular favorite of yours, compliment him/her and say something about your interest in them. If you are spectators at a sporting match of some sort, say why you enjoy the sport, whether the conditions (ex. weather, etc) are good for the sport on that particular day, or something else related to that sport. The goal is to find common ground which interests everyone involved in the conversation – try not to leave anyone out because that’s rude and creates an uncomfortable situation for everyone. No gossip (it turns many people off, makes you look bad, and – more often than not – comes back to haunt you). Avoid negativity: smile and the world smile’s with you, but frown and you find yourself all alone. Once you find common ground, usually the conversation will naturally switch to other subjects and flow from one subject to the next.

If you notice that someone in the conversation does not seem to be doing much participating, try to figure out why. If other people are talking constantly with almost no break in between, he/she might feel left out because he/she hasn’t gotten to give his/her input without rudely interrupting somebody. To lead him/her into the conversation and create a more comfortable situation for everybody involved, ask him/her a question the first chance you get, and wait for his/her answer. For example, if the current subject is shoes, ask what kind of shoes he/she is wearing or wear he/she got them. If the subject is school, ask where he/she goes to/went to school or what are/were his/her favorite subjects.

This tactic will often work when someone seems to be too shy to talk (symptoms: standing in the vicinity, listening to the talking and looking at the talker, nodding at appropriate points, but saying nothing even when breaks in the conversation are plentiful for him/her to give input). If somebody seems to be bored with the conversation (symptoms: looking at a watch/ cell phone, not seeming to pay much attention to what is being said, looking at surroundings much more than at the people in the conversation, listening but not nodding or smiling, a fake smile, eyes glazed over, etc – often occurs when the conversation has stayed on one subject for quite some time), try to change the subject when appropriate, ask him/her a question that might interest him/her, etc.

Don’t continue with any one subject for longer than 10 minutes unless everyone involved in the conversation seems to be interested in it. For example, if not everybody has that new i-phone, the three of you that do should not spend half an hour gushing all about your i-phones while the one or two that do not either has to listen to it and look interested or leave the conversation. If somebody tries to do this (sometimes people purposely try to exclude others this way), politely change the subject in an appropriate manner.

When you feel that it’s time to change the subject, especially when the current subject is an uncomfortable/embarrassing one for someone (anyone) in the conversation, the best – and least noticeable – way to do so is to connect the current subject to the one you want to switch to. For example, if you are talking about those i-phones and the way you can view pictures on them, you might try changing the subject to cameras/photography. For example, if somebody just said “I just love how I can see my pictures anytime, anywhere on my i-phone,” you might say, “I love taking pictures!” or “I know someone who really enjoys taking pictures,” or something to that effect, and keep making comments or asking questions related to photography until most of your fellow conversationalists have safely switched to talking about photography.

Another way is to comment on something completely off the subject that you’ve just noticed (or pretend to have just noticed). For example, if you’re at a baseball game and you see a cool-looking bird fly by or sitting on a tree, you could point that out and comment on it. Out of courtesy, another conversationalist will probably comment – most likely in agreement or disagreement with your comment. Then try to carry it on from there by saying something interesting about birds. Try not to let the conversation go back to the subject it was on (unless you just needed a short break from that topic).

Don’t dominate the conversation the entire time. Everybody has something interesting to say – not just you – and deserves to say it – again, not just you – so everybody should get a turn to speak (ideally an equal amount of time, but this usually does not happen, so just strive to keep it as equal as possible). A good rule of thumb is to try not to talk longer than 5 minutes straight: after those 5 minutes, observe your listeners very closely (you should do this all the time when you are talking, but even more so after those 5 minutes are up) to make sure they are still interested before you go on. Even then, try to keep your stories and information-giving under five minutes.

After 5 minutes of listening to just one person, the conversation usually begins to feel more like a lecture on the part of the listeners, who cannot interrupt without being rude. If you are not over-dominating the conversation and you find somebody interrupting when you haven’t completed your story (certain people tend to do this often: this is especially important if the interrupter seems to be in the habit of interrupting you and the others speaking), politely say that you were not finished. Call them out on it, but with manners. If they apologize (say it’s ok, then go on) or stop talking, continue as if nothing happened to spare everyone further embarrassment.

On that note, avoid interrupting others yourself. Wait for your turn. If there is someone who is rambling on and over-dominating – and you can tell that most of the others are not interested in listening – wait for a pause (even the slightest one, which might be just for the chatterbox to take a breath) to break in with something of your own to say. Talk for a minute or two before asking somebody else a question to get them involved and start the conversational ball rolling again. Make eye contact with your audience when you are talking, and do the same with the talker when you are listening (smile, nod, and reply in appropriate places to show your interest, respect, and attention – all things which you want when you are the talker. Also, ask questions you might have when he/she takes a break from talking – this helps to show your interest, also).

When it is time to end the conversation and it must be abrupt (do to a time constraint of some sort), say something like “It’s been nice talking with you, but I have to go do [fill in the blank]. Maybe we can chat again some other time,” then say your goodbyes and take your leave. If it’s come to an awkward lull in the conversation and you just want to be done with it, you could use the aforementioned strategy, simply move slowly toward another conversational group nearby (never do this if you’ll be leaving somebody all alone), or say “Well, nice to see you” or “Nice talking to you” and walk away.

These are a few tips that might make the art of conversation seem a little less stressful and more enjoyable for all involved.