Tired of Talking About It

“Look mom, I don’t want to be rude or mean, but I’m just done talking about this… I know, but there’s just nothing left to say and nothing you or anyone can do to help… I need to go… I just need to focus on something else right now.” I felt bad for cutting my mom off like that, as well as others I may have recently snubbed when they were just reaching out to me, but they had no idea how physically ill it made me to keep bringing it up.

When something bad happens, being the verbal processor that I am, I appreciate all my family and friends surrounding me and helping me walk through the grieving process. At the same time, there comes a point where it has all been hashed-and then rehashed-so many times that there is nothing left to say that hasn’t been said.

I’m at a point of wanting to move on, focus on only positive things, and look at the future. I want to snowboard, kickbox, lift weights, ballroom dance, and stay as physical as possible. I want to somehow remember what it’s like to dream big and not let those dreams or visions scare me.

Though I’ve been pushed back even farther, I want to remember that it’s not about the limitations around me, but my perspective through them. Perhaps I am being sent back to the trenches to learn something I missed the first time. Perhaps there is reason for this humiliation.

Or maybe it is truly just one of those bad things that randomly happen to good people. Maybe there is no divine purpose, but in order to keep sanity I have to believe that there is.

I remind myself, I’ve been fired before. I survived then, it may have taken me a few months to find another job, but I still survived. Within a year I promoted up even farther up than the job I’d been released from. I did it then, I can do it again.

When I was in cross-country, I learned that running is 90% mental. Running the long distances can be brutal, especially when you experience muscle fatigue or “hit the wall.” I learned that if I could stay in there, that after hitting that “wall,” I would get a second wind that would carry me through.

I am not excited about reverting back to a position I held two jobs ago, but I am thankful I still have a job. I am aware at how difficult it will be for everyone-including the team I am going into as I will likely be bumping out one of their own.