“What do I say?” is a huge question when confronted with the tragedies which occur in the lives of your friends and family.  How many times have you asked yourself what you can possibly say when your best friend’s mother has died suddenly and unexpectedly and your friend is on the phone describing to you the moment when she found her mother lying in the kitchen floor, ashen-faced and not breathing.  You listen in shock, knowing that in a minute she’ll expect you to respond and all you can think of is “what do you say in a moment like this?”

This is one of the scariest moments of life – right up there with getting up in front of a room full of people to speak – and somehow our brains shut down, our mouths get as dry as the Sahara Desert, and we suddenly feel like a 2nd grader who has to read the really dumb poem written about the teacher in front of her and the whole class.

So what do you say in a moment like this?  You are faced with a friend who has suffered an unspeakable loss and you think that this requires you to speak.  Even though it’s one of the most difficult times to say anything, we think that the bereaved still want, expect, and need for us to say something comforting, meaningful, and profound.  Nine times out of ten we fail.  Why?  Because humans just don’t know how to talk about death.

Have Never Been There

Mostly that’s because, let’s face it, we have never been there.  None of us has actually died so how would anyone know what it’s like.  Without knowing what it’s like, we don’t have any experience to inform us as we try to speak intelligently to one who has lost a loved one.  But, wait a minute!!  We don’t have to know what it’s like to die – we only have to know what it’s like to suffer a loss.  If you have not suffered the loss of a loved one, then you’ll be at a slight disadvantage, but we all have experienced loss of some kind.

Think about your life and think about what you have lost (we’re not talking about car keys or eyeglasses), things like: 

• A pet
• A job
• A friend who fought with you and won’t speak to you now
• A neighbor who moved away
• A house – from foreclosure or just selling it and moving away
• A community because of moving away
• The ability to work
• The ability to walk
• The ability to drive
• Your car

Of course, there are many other little things but all the big things you have lost can give you some inkling of what your friend feels like when she calls to tell you that her mother has died. 

What Not to Say

Having said all that, the most important thing to know when you’re wondering what you can say about your friend’s loss is actually what not to say in that moment.  Even if you have had exactly the same experience, “I know just how you feel” is at the top of the list of things not to say.  No matter what your experience has been, there is no one who can know what another person is feeling. 

We can have similar feelings and we can share that in a very gentle way but the first thing your friend will think if you tell her you know how she feels is – “Don’t tell me you know how I feel – nobody knows how I feel but me.”  The next on that list of things not to say is “Don’t cry, it’ll be all right.” 

First, crying is one of the most efficient ways of expressing pain, especially from grieving after death.  It not only provides an outlet for some very strong feelings, but it relieves the blood pressure and slows the heart rate back to normal once a person has “cried it out.” 

Second, crying is a way to cleanse the soul of all the bad feelings that pile up inside after losing a loved one, especially from things like unspoken words they wished they had said but now it’s too late or spoken words they wished they hadn’t said and it’s too late to apologize. 

These feelings also come from not having a chance to say goodbye in the case of a sudden death and even from being relieved after a very long death watch.

So, instead of looking at a crying, grieving person and thinking, “She’s not doing so good,” encourage the tears, offer a shoulder, and a tissue, and just be there.

The Ministry of Presence

Instead of wondering, “What can I do?” remember that the most effective and most welcome thing you can give to a friend grieving is your presence.  Whether your friend is a grieving parent, a grieving spouse, a child grieving, or a whole family grieving, the best gift is to do nothing.  There will be others to answer the phone, neighbors to bring in and arrange the food, friends to make the coffee but a best friend’s job is to do nothing. 

Instead of wondering what words to say to comfort the bereaved, just sit and hold hands, or give a back rub, but above all else – listen.  Listen to what is said, to what is not said, and even listen to the silence.  Your friend will remember those moments for a long time as the best grieving support in a terrible moment of loss.

So, in those awful situations when you are at a loss for words, don’t ask what can you say – it is not words that are needed – it is you.