What Do I Say?
by A helpful guide to encounters with tragedy and grief in the lives of friends and loved ones. It’s always difficult to know what to say "at a time like this" and it’s almost always important to be able to find out. This guide suggests appropriate and helpful things to say as well as when it’s best not to say anything at all.
What Not to Say
Having said all that, the most important thing to know when you’re wondering what you can say about your friend’s loss is actually what not to say in that moment. Even if you have had exactly the same experience, “I know just how you feel” is at the top of the list of things not to say. No matter what your experience has been, there is no one who can know what another person is feeling.
We can have similar feelings and we can share that in a very gentle way but the first thing your friend will think if you tell her you know how she feels is – “Don’t tell me you know how I feel – nobody knows how I feel but me.” The next on that list of things not to say is “Don’t cry, it’ll be all right.”
First, crying is one of the most efficient ways of expressing pain, especially from grieving after death. It not only provides an outlet for some very strong feelings, but it relieves the blood pressure and slows the heart rate back to normal once a person has “cried it out.”
Second, crying is a way to cleanse the soul of all the bad feelings that pile up inside after losing a loved one, especially from things like unspoken words they wished they had said but now it’s too late or spoken words they wished they hadn’t said and it’s too late to apologize.
These feelings also come from not having a chance to say goodbye in the case of a sudden death and even from being relieved after a very long death watch.
So, instead of looking at a crying, grieving person and thinking, “She’s not doing so good,” encourage the tears, offer a shoulder, and a tissue, and just be there.
The Ministry of Presence
Instead of wondering, “What can I do?” remember that the most effective and most welcome thing you can give to a friend grieving is your presence. Whether your friend is a grieving parent, a grieving spouse, a child grieving, or a whole family grieving, the best gift is to do nothing. There will be others to answer the phone, neighbors to bring in and arrange the food, friends to make the coffee but a best friend’s job is to do nothing.
Instead of wondering what words to say to comfort the bereaved, just sit and hold hands, or give a back rub, but above all else – listen. Listen to what is said, to what is not said, and even listen to the silence. Your friend will remember those moments for a long time as the best grieving support in a terrible moment of loss.
So, in those awful situations when you are at a loss for words, don’t ask what can you say – it is not words that are needed – it is you.
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