What Do I Say?

Many times I hear people say they know someone who is just great at dealing with stressful situations. These people just seem to know the right thing to say and when to say it. How do you become one of those people?

In most cases these people have seen much trouble in their lives and saw reaction from others from crude or not very well thought out comments from them. The adage of “Think before you speak” Plays a big role here.

One instance comes to mind, that really happened to me. My husband was diagnosed with cancer was fighting the battle of his life. One day while getting gas at a station nearby, an acquaintance saw me and she came running over to me asking how I had been and the usual small talk, then she asked if what she heard was true, that my husband had cancer. I said yes and that it was a battle but we would handle things one day at a time. And then she asked me something that I just couldn’t believe. “Did he smoke?” she asked. That to me was like a slap in the face. Why? Well, although there is much talk of how smoking is bad for you, there are many other factors that can lead to cancer, none of which is concrete at this point in time. You see to me it was a senseless question. Does it matter if he smoked? Can that be changed? Many people get cancer and not all of them smoke. The thing she could have said would go something like, “I hope things go well, if there is anything I can do, let me know”. But, she didn’t. So I answered her question. Yes he did smoke but quit. I never saw her again until the funeral.

Trying to help people through trying times is difficult. Here are a few things NOT to say at a funeral for example.

“He/she is better off now?”  Reason for not saying that, Loved one wonders how you figure that. In the grieving persons mind they are better off with them, the loved ones, alive and well.

“He/she was so young”  Reason for not saying that, Loved ones already know that and the reminder makes it hurt even more.

“At least they went quick” Wow, need I explain that one? 

Now, the things you should say. “You have suffered a great loss, and if there is anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask”. Then follow it through.

“I can’t imagine what you are going through, but if you need me I am here” This is very true, no one can understand it until you have been there.

Don’t ask silly questions. Be supportive and talk to people the way you would want to be talked to. These people that know what to say know also what not to say.

If you want to be the one that knows just how to say the right thing, think before you speak and you will do fine.

It is not just knowing what to say but how to act. If they have lost someone, do not alienate them after the funeral, they need you to help them get back into life. By not keeping contact, it is much harder to heal.

Doing these things will make you that person that people talk about.