When is It OK?

When is it ok? I ask myself this everyday. Are you someone out there who has lost someone so close to you that when you meet someone new you feel guilty for even talking to them? Can you not fully open up because of this guilt? I hope this will help.

Four years ago October 25, four days after my birthday, my best-friend, my lover, the father of my son died unexpectedly in a motorcycle crash. He was twenty seven. Chris was so talented, not only in music, but in life. I always looked to him as the person I always wished I could be. There wasn’t a soul on this earth who met him and didn’t become family. You know I had a dream he died in a crash three weeks before and I told him. He replied, “Lee, don’t say that its bad luck.” I guess it was. My birthday came up we spent fourteen hours together. That was the last time I saw him.

I went camping with our son Micah. Chris was going to meet us as soon as work was out. He didn’t make it. He didn’t call. I was so angry. My phone didn’t work where we were. I thought he forgot so I stayed and when Friday came Halloween I drove back to meet him at his mom’s house for trick or treat night with our son.

I called his mom’s house because he didn’t answer his phone. His brother answered. He said “Lee….” And in that moment I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t drive. I just knew what happened. He told me him and his sister was calling me over and over for four days trying to get a hold of me. That he was gone and they buried him that day. They just got back.

I had to get my mom and dad to come get Micah because I didn’t want to drive with him being in the state I was in. The whole time I was waiting for my mom and Dad Micah was asking me where his Dad was. When were they going to get candy. I didn’t know what to say.

Two whole weeks went by and my parents were still watching Micah. I know this sounds wrong and unfair to Micah. I should of snapped out of it. You know I tried I just wasn’t that strong enough. I turned to the worst possible enemy known to man kind. DRUGS. They took over me. I haven’t one excuse to why. I just have one explanation. I died when he died.