Ten facts I didn’t know about prison life and wasn’t afraid to ask.
- The first 14 days, you have uncontrollable diarrhea. This is the unfortunate result of bland and grotesquely unseasoned food. Not to mention, the handful of cockroaches that may have fallen in the soup.
- Your dreams become more vivid and lifelike than you have ever imagined. The reason for this? Your waking hours are so detestable, your days become your nightmare, your nights become your salvation.
- You become a better reader. There’s not much to do in prison but think, socialize, eat and read. Books become your best friend. Your own ally in a sea of sharks. If you can’t read, may God have mercy.
- You find out really fast who your true friends are. Those who are terrified at the thought of associating with you anymore fall swiftly through the black hole of damnation, never to be heard from again.
- The guards are as crooked, if not more corrupt than the convicts themselves. This is a fact. They don’t get paid enough to follow all the so called rules. It’s just that simple. Who do you think bring the drugs in?
- Saying the word “dude” can get you thrown in the “box” real fast. Any sign of supposed disrespect to the guards can be magnified 100 times over. I’d learn how to address those in uniform by sir or ma’am real quick, and it wouldn’t hurt to bow.
- Stealing your toilet paper or hiding your soap is commonplace and a sort of initiation. Take it and suffer the consequences. Stand up for yourself and gain the necessary respect to survive.
- Everyone is some sort of religious fanatic. Find the group that least disgusts you and tow the line.
- Amateur comedians run amok. Surprisingly, everyone’s got a routine, from the “yo mama so fat” to a hardcore rant that would put Dave Chappelle to shame.
- Homemade surgical instruments are easily honed to fire up the most artistic and graphic tattoos. Talent is abound in the pen. Just ask.