Children Think Sexual Abuse is Their Fault

Soon afterward, she and her family moved from the neighborhood. She visited the man and his wife several ties with her mother. When the man died, she told her mother about the sexual abuse. She said

I figured that he had died. He couldn’t go to jail if I told. I wouldn’t make his wife unhappy if I told my mother.

Her mother was deeply shocked. This man had been a father figure to her for ten years. She arranged for professional help for Olivia, for herself, and for the rest of the family.

Physical Violence

Many incidents of sexual abuse do not involve physical violence, but some do. For example, some children witness physical abuse of their mothers. When their fathers begin to touch them sexually, they are afraid to resist. Alberta was eleven when he father first sexually abused her. He told her to take her clothes off. She said

I don’t know why I just didn’t leave. The idea didn’t occur to me….My mother tried to stop him. She got between us. What could she do? He just pushed her away and beat her up.

Her father told her that what he was doing to her was “an everyday thing. People do it every day.” He tried to have intercourse with her that first time. She said

I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want him to do it. I wanted him to stop. I hated it.

She did not tell him to stop because

I would get hit with a belt. So I did what he said every time.

While he was abusing her,

My father told me I was jealous of my mother. He said I wanted to have sex with him the way my mother did, but I wasn’t jealous of that. I didn’t even think of it.

Adults can be helpful to children who have been sexually abused if they understand that each child’s experience is unique. Adults must, however, be ready for anything. What children say can be surprising and even shocking. The stories in this book can prepare adults to be open and receptive to whatever children have to say.

Perpetrators Have Sole Responsibility

Perpetrators have sole responsibility for child sexual abuse. Typically, they are older, stronger, and can overcome the children’s resistance through their physical strength, authority, and superior knowledge and experience. They may lie, intimidate, and manipulate children. Sensitive, responsive adults do not take advantage of children.

Children who have been sexually abused require the sensitive, responsive, and wise attention of adults who can soothe them, reassure them, and help them to understand that other people, even people they know and love, can do harmful things to them. It is the responsibility of adults to do the major repair work that includes taking responsibility for their behaviors and expressing their sadness and regrets for having hurt children.

You can read more about child sexual abuse in Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse, a book available on Amazon Kindle and at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. A free download of a book that is not finished and has typos in it is also available at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. It’s called Child Sexual Abuse: Survivors, Mothers, and Perpetrators Tell Their Stories.