Most people think that to get rid of a manipulator is to stop talking to them, or stop being around them, throw them out of your life. But don’t forget that the way they got into your life in the first place was by sitting a watching you without you knowing. Don’t you think they could just do that again and then change their patterns to make you think they had changed? A good manipulator will know how to do that. So by just kicking them out, especially with the internet now available, isn’t the only answer.

Unfortunately a lot of people have had to file restraining orders and even those sometimes don’t work. I have had to file two in my whole life and one worked, he stayed away and within a year things had settled down enough that it could be dropped and we both moved on. But the other one. Wow, he violated it 10 times before he was finally picked up. He was served and immediately that night started calling my pager and leaving messages thinking that it couldn’t be traced or recorded. He thought wrong. I saved them and I also recorded them with a tape recorder. Then within 24 hours, my car transmission fell out, come to find out, the brackets were removed. Then there were his friends calling me at work pretending they weren’t with him. I just told them that I was very sorry but I would not be able to talk to them anymore because they would be violating his restraining order. He found one of his friends that I didn’t know and asked them to follow me. He finally, 5 days later, borrowed a friends truck and was sitting across the street from my house watching me. A local security guard caught him and called it in.

He got away. The next day I called the officer that had been at my house the first night he had been told to leave and asked him for help. I hadn’t slept in 5 days and he was fooling the police into thinking I was the crazy one. The officer asked me where I thought he might be and he found him and took him. When the officer called me back he told me that he could only be held for 24 hours and to get some sleep. I did. The next day I got rid of my favorite car, found a new place to live and quit my job and found another one. I had to completely rearrange my life because this guy thought for some reason that I was his. Let me tell you, this is not the way to get a girl. Stalking is illegal and if someone tells you not to call, don’t call. They don’t take chances anymore, it has become a more serious offense. If you need to find out how to get a restraining order or what else you can do legally to prevent someone from stalking you, call your local authorities, laws are different from state to state and support is different from county to county. Do not hesitate to file, I almost did and I would be probably be dead today if I didn’t. His actions were escalating.

Now onto what else you can do to prevent yourself from ending up here in the first place. One thing you need to remember is that you have no control over other people. If someone gets you in their sites sometimes restraining orders and other anti-harassment orders are the only way to handle it. Hopefully you won’t have to do what I had to but it is an option if things have gone that far. If they are so stuck on manipulating you it may cause them to be arrested or worse, but the fact of the matter is that you need to stay safe. Here is a list of things that I have learned and stuff I already knew and should have listened to that may help you to prevent the manipulator from even coming into your life or help you get rid of them when they do.

1. Take up space. A basic concept that most people don’t understand. I am sure you have heard of animals puffing up when a predator is around and trying to make themselves look bigger. Same basic idea but you can’t really puff up. I make sure that when I am alone people know that I am aware of my surroundings. I don’t walk with my head down or covered. I walk tall and look around me. I do not look scared either or paranoid, just aware. If you have seen someone who seems to walk with confidence and you have noticed that, then you may understand what I mean. Walk tall, hold your head up and know that you will be ok no matter what happens, even if you don’t feel that way. Don’t be tentative. Most people who are scared to walk to their car will stand there and build up the courage to go, you need to just have it. They can feel your fear. If you truly are afraid ask someone you know to walk you to your car. At the grocery store ask the cashier for help out to your car. Don’t be afraid to tell people that you have someone following you or to call the police. It is better to be safe than sorry and they have to report all calls. So if something does happen you already record that you have been calling in and afraid. Learning to take up space and being willing to solve a situation even when people might think you are crazy may prevent a manipulator from stepping in or continuing with you. They don’t want to get caught or take the chance that they will be found out.

2. Let People Know. That brings me to another point. Some people who have these fears are a little paranoid and we have seen them all portrayed as crazy people. Don’t worry about what people are going to think of you. Talk to your neighbors and tell them that you are having a problem with someone. Tell your friends, tell everyone you know. Make sure that they all know what is going on. If you live alone make sure you have someone you check in with regularly. I am pretty sure that you have all seen “What Women Want” with Mel Gibson. There is a girl in the movie that he hears say that no one would notice if she was gone. That is someone who doesn’t take up space. She doesn’t talk to people and let them know what is going on. She is not being stalked but it is a good example. When she is gone he notices and goes to make sure she is ok. If you are gone make sure there is someone who will notice and come to check on you. Find a friend who also lives alone and call each other once a day to make sure the other one is ok. You will find out that just a simple act like that will give you more confidence and telling people that you are afraid will help if something does happen. Plus if people know that you have this support system they may be less likely to try and manipulate you.

3. Call Them Out. Most people know what that means, but I will explain it for those of you who don’t. Calling someone out means that you are telling them what you see in them. If someone is truly mean and you turn around and tell them that they are mean, you are calling them out. You are telling the world what they are. So if you see someone manipulating a situation or you, tell them that you see if right away. Then point it out to other people around you. Listen to your good friends and family if they tell you what they see. Bring it up in front of the people who have told you what they see and find out if this person will stand up for what they did or back off. I have a policy at my house, you never say anything about anyone that you would not say to their face. I make the people around me hold to that policy too. So if another manipulator stepped into my life they would know that if they said anything to try to make my friends look bad, they would have to say it to their face too. If they aren’t willing then I chalk it up to fear of being called out and I don’t take their comments seriously. If someone tells me that one of my friends has said something about me they know that I will go to that friend and ask. I will tell them where I heard it and I will correct it if it’s true and believe them if they say they didn’t do it. This helps if you have a manipulator targeting you because they will realize you are not easy.

4. Don’t Gossip. I know that may seem odd to put on this list because it is almost human nature to gossip. But it’s the same rule as above, not saying things about other people. A manipulator will spot that right away and if you are willing to gossip, you are willing to listen to it. If you spread it then they know you will take what they have to say about others to heart and you will hear what they say. It is one of the hardest things to do, but actually once you get the swing of it and people know you don’t listen or spread it, they will stop doing it around you and then it becomes easy. This way too when you tell people that you are afraid or someone is being a problem, they will believe you because they will know that you already tell the truth and that you don’t talk about other people.

5. Don’t Give In. Part of the job of a manipulator is to take advantage of people who are good hearted and I hate to send you out into the world thinking you shouldn’t be good hearted so let me explain. Manipulators will play on your guilt. They will make you feel like you are hurting them or their job, maybe even their lives. You have to step passed that and realize that it is all part of the game. That is part of the manipulation. You need to realize that it you are not responsible for their actions and everyone is accountable for what they do. If they try to make you feel guilty, turn around and say just that to them, “everyone is accountable for what they do.” and you can add, “if you were worried about what was going to happen then you shouldn’t have done it.” Then walk away. Don’t let anything they say make you turn back. Don’t fall for the, “I just wanted to talk to you for a second,” or “I thought you loved me,” or “I cared about you, how could you do this to me?” Those are all guilt statements. They are all a ploy to get you to feel bad and turn around. Someone said to me the other day that some things just don’t need to be said. You don’t have to go off on them or validate your response. You don’t have to give them a reason you feel how you feel. You don’t owe them anything. You are a good hearted person who was fooled by a bad hearted soul. Don’t fall for it. Turn around and forgive yourself for any guilt they might make you feel. It is not your fault. They did this not you.

If you already have someone in your life that is manipulating you or you feel like they are, start following these steps to change the situation. Start taking up space. When I started to be afraid of that guy instead of living in fear I called the police. I let people know that I was afraid of him, I told my apartment manager to keep an eye on me and informed them I was afraid. They called the police at the same time I did, so I was protected. Call them out. Instead of waiting for him to show his true colors to everyone so that I would be vindicated, I told everyone what I saw and why, right in front of him. I told them every behavior he had. When it came time for the court hearing on the restraining order, he didn’t even show up. He didn’t want to be there to hear me tell my story. They don’t like being called out. Don’t gossip. I didn’t gossip about anyone or spread any gossip I heard so when I stood up and told people what was happening they believed me. Don’t give in. He tried to call and tell me that he loved me and we were meant to be together and told me this was going to ruin his life. He said he gave up everything for me and I gave him nothing. I heard it all. I didn’t answer, I made him accountable for his actions and his actions proved me right. Don’t worry about them, worry about you. Again, if you have to consult your local authorities on ways to help you prevent or get rid of unwanted attention. Most towns have rape prevention classes and they are helpful for unwanted attention too. Manipulators are people who give you unwanted attention. Take it seriously, learn all the tools there are to learn and be aware. Hopefully you will find a way to get rid of or even prevent people like this from entering your life.

If you have any ideas or helpful tools that you would like to share please email me or put them in comments below. We need to all stick together and maybe then we can change lives.