Family members can have a hard time believing that someone they know, love, and trust can sexually abuse. When ten year-old Ronnie learned from his mother that the uncle he idolized had sexually abused his own daughter, Ronnie ran into his bedroom, slammed the door, and yelled, “You’re lying to me.”

Many family members refuse to believe child victims, blame them, and do whatever it takes to protect perpetrators.

Most come around eventually, but the typical initial reaction is disbelief. Annie, eleven, abused by her father for years, said

I don’t blame people for not believing me. I could hardly believe it myself. My father is such a nice guy.

 When a court social worker told Loretta that her husband had sexually abused her daughter for four years, Loretta described her reaction.

I just didn’t believe it. She [the social worker] says, “Is there anything I can do for you?” I says, “I didn’t even want to be sitting in this room. I just want to get out of here. I just want to get away from it. I don’t want to believe it.

Eventually, Loretta came to believe it happened. Her husband admitted the abuse immediately, spent a year in the workhouse, had work release, and received 20 years probation. With a great deal of therapy and pychoeducation, the family pulled itself back together. They had a supportive family system that pulled along with them.

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS the entire family, and, the entire family requires empathy and education. Once the shock wears off, child and family recovery can take years.

Children Do Not Tell

CHILDREN MANY TIMES DO NOT TELL  anyone about their abusive experiences… Questions such as “Why didn’t you tell?” “What did you do to provoke the abuse?” “How could you let it go on for so long?” are automatic for many people. Children have reason to fear that they will not be believed, or worse, blamed for their own abuse.

Many child survivors blame themselves for the abuse, even when they recognize that the perpetrators forced them. Lisa’s grandfather sexually abused her on his boat when the two of them went fishing. Lisa, nine, said, “I felt like jumping off the boat and swimming to shore, but I can’t swim.” Despite Lisa’s recognition of being forced, she said, “It was my fault. I didn’t tell him not to do it.”

Randy, ten, was assaulted after her teenage babysitter told her to go to the bathroom. He stepped from behind the shower curtain, pulled her off the toilet, and raped her. She said the abuse was “sort of” her fault “because I went into the bathroom and was sitting on the toilet.” Randy could not put the pieces of her experience together. She went into the bathroom because the older boy told her to, but she could not see that the assault and the directive to go into the bathroom make the abuse his responsibility and not hers.

Donna, fifteen, assaulted by her brother, sexually abused by her grandfather, and the victim of an attempted rape by her best friend’s father, thought she must be at fault. She said, “My judgment must be impaired.” She was confused, hurt, and ashamed that she was abused by three different males.

Children blame themselves because so many adults blame them. For example, in the case of Donna, a county attorney who prosecuted the case against her best friend’s father, said to her in her mother’s presence, “Why didn’t you get out of the car when that guy went after you? I think you really wanted it.”

Carla ran away from home because she felt blamed for the incest her father committed. She said

My father was bitching. I asked my mother what he was bitching about. She said, ‘He said it was all your fault.’ I’m breaking up the family. I couldn’t take it. I took off.

Carla was thirteen and lived on the streets for six months.

Not all children think sexual abuse is their fault, but it is a common reaction. Caring adults can gently ask the children, “Do you think you did something wrong?” or “Sometimes kids think the abuse is their fault. Do you?” It is surprising how eagerly some children answer questions like these. Their answers also can be surprising, such as Lisa’s when she said it was her fault because she never told her grandfather not to do it.

It is important for adults to give children opportunities to talk about whether they were at fault. It is also important for children to be able to express themselves in their own ways.

Adults, maybe because of their own anxieties, want to reassure children by saying, “It’s not your fault.” Of course it is not children’s fault, but if they believe it is, such a statement can invalidate their experience. The timing of “It’s not your fault” can make a difference in children’s recovery.

Above all, believe children when they say someone sexually abused them. Under-react. The seemingly nicest people you’ve ever known abuse children sexually.

You can read more about child sexual abuse in Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse by Jane Gilgun, a book available on Amazon Kindle and at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. A free download of a book that is not finished and has typos in it is also available at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. It’s called Child Sexual Abuse: Survivors, Mothers, and Perpetrators Tell Their Stories.