Shock and Denial are First Reactions to Disclosure of Child Sexual Abuse
by No one wants to believe that someone they know and love is sexually abusing a child, but apparently wonderful people do. This articles shows how hard it is to keep an open mind, but how important open minds are.
Randy, ten, was assaulted after her teenage babysitter told her to go to the bathroom. He stepped from behind the shower curtain, pulled her off the toilet, and raped her. She said the abuse was “sort of” her fault “because I went into the bathroom and was sitting on the toilet.” Randy could not put the pieces of her experience together. She went into the bathroom because the older boy told her to, but she could not see that the assault and the directive to go into the bathroom make the abuse his responsibility and not hers.
Donna, fifteen, assaulted by her brother, sexually abused by her grandfather, and the victim of an attempted rape by her best friend’s father, thought she must be at fault. She said, “My judgment must be impaired.” She was confused, hurt, and ashamed that she was abused by three different males.
Children blame themselves because so many adults blame them. For example, in the case of Donna, a county attorney who prosecuted the case against her best friend’s father, said to her in her mother’s presence, “Why didn’t you get out of the car when that guy went after you? I think you really wanted it.”
Carla ran away from home because she felt blamed for the incest her father committed. She said
My father was bitching. I asked my mother what he was bitching about. She said, ‘He said it was all your fault.’ I’m breaking up the family. I couldn’t take it. I took off.
Carla was thirteen and lived on the streets for six months.
Not all children think sexual abuse is their fault, but it is a common reaction. Caring adults can gently ask the children, “Do you think you did something wrong?” or “Sometimes kids think the abuse is their fault. Do you?” It is surprising how eagerly some children answer questions like these. Their answers also can be surprising, such as Lisa’s when she said it was her fault because she never told her grandfather not to do it.
It is important for adults to give children opportunities to talk about whether they were at fault. It is also important for children to be able to express themselves in their own ways.
Adults, maybe because of their own anxieties, want to reassure children by saying, “It’s not your fault.” Of course it is not children’s fault, but if they believe it is, such a statement can invalidate their experience. The timing of “It’s not your fault” can make a difference in children’s recovery.
Above all, believe children when they say someone sexually abused them. Under-react. The seemingly nicest people you’ve ever known abuse children sexually.
You can read more about child sexual abuse in Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse by Jane Gilgun, a book available on Amazon Kindle and at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. A free download of a book that is not finished and has typos in it is also available at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. It’s called Child Sexual Abuse: Survivors, Mothers, and Perpetrators Tell Their Stories.
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