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Stupid Criminal Behavior: 10 Things Criminals Should Not Do

Not everyone is meant to be a criminal mastermind. Would you be better at a life of crime than these people?

Words of wisdom for some of the stupidest criminals pursuing a life of crime.

  1. Do not attempt to pay off the fines from your two prior embezzlement convictions by embezzling from your latest employer. This gem comes from a woman who actually thought this was a good idea. The judge “threw the book” at her to protect the local businesses.
  2. If the police approach you for questioning, keep your cool. Be careful if you decide to flee. A not “as smart as your average bear” criminal was approached by the police for questioning about an assault. Deciding impulsively to flee, he thought better when he climbed out a window. A window on the 23rd floor of the building! He was heard begging the police to rescue him while he has hanging on the edge. That made it handy to get a confession…
  3. If you really need a driver’s license, just pay the $20, stand in line like the rest of us and avoid jail. A man in Missouri with less than a criminal mind stole a printer from the local DMV office. What could be cooler than printing your very own driver’s license? Knowing how to operate the printer, that’s what. Missouri being the “Show Me” state, the enterprising criminal called the tech support number and wanted help operating the printer. Isn’t that what tech support is for? Needless to say, this dim bulb is now making license plates, instead of driver’s licenses.
  4. Who wouldn’t like a blank check for the holidays? Especially someone else’s? A thief used all his cunning and skill in the perfect crime. After burglarizing a suburban home, he made his getaway with blank checks belonging to the owner. Feeling as invincible as the Pink Panther, this wily crook decided to stop at the bank, make one of the blank checks payable to himself, forge the owner’s signature and get some cash. Sounded like a plan to him. He pulled up to the drive thru window, offered up his social security card and driver’s license as identification and waited. The teller turned around and told another employee of the bank that someone was trying to cash one of her checks at the window. The police arrived as the teller stalled the idiot. Another perfect crime foiled.
  5. An aspiring bank robber was not much for details. He had a note demanding money ready. Being a crafty criminal, he wrote the note on a piece of cardboard using a crayon. Completely untraceable. He was disguised; even his own mother would not recognize him. He entered the bank, approached a teller and showed her the note he was so proud of. The teller, ready to comply asked him where his bag was to put the money. The devil is in the details. He got so flustered; he left the bank without a dime. Let this be a lesson. Always keep your environmental friendly cloth shopping bag in your car, just for these little emergencies.
  6. An east coast man had thought of everything to do his nasty deeds. He had attached flashing lights on the top of his SUV, and had a fake badge that he thought could pass any inspection. No doubt he had practiced his walk and approach to unsuspecting vehicles. He had just the right swagger and the voice of authority. He was ready. He was cruising the highway looking for an easy mark. He pulled up behind a car and decided that this was the one. He put on his overhead lights and pulled over the motorist. As he approached the car, he flashed his phony badge to the driver, who quickly responded with the words no criminal wants to hear, “That’s not a real badge, NOW this is a real badge”! Phony cop 0, real deputy 1.
  7. Some criminals just cannot resist a crime of opportunity. A young man had driven to his bank and used the after hours ATM, as millions of people do everyday. A man who demanded his wallet and car keys approached him. Once the robber got the items, he quickly made the owner of the car get in the trunk. Some cash in his hand and a new set of wheels for the night, this kidnapper was feeling good. In the mean time, the owner of the car was on the phone with; you guessed it, the police. Car stopped, bad guy arrested without incident.
  8. Pirated DVD’s. So, thousands of DVD’s just happen to come into your possession. You’ve hit the jackpot. You’ve just won the lottery. All you need to do is sell them. This should not be a problem for an enterprising distributor of stolen goods. Where would be a good place to set up shop? A location where people with a few extra bucks would be interested in buying the real deal? The parking lot of an upscale restaurant by the courthouse. This should be a snap. As the guys in suits come out, offer them the deal of a lifetime on every Disney movie ever made. Take some home for your kids, they will love it. Get ready, set, here comes the first bunch of suits. Easy marks, no doubt. Who would have thought it would be the District Attorney? Busted. But wait! Offer him a better deal on the DVD’s not to arrest you! Brilliant. You have just failed Criminal Enterprise 101.
  9. Theft of valuable items. The reasons for being a thief can be many. You may need money, or items you cannot afford. On the other hand, you are just a sick freak who needs an adrenaline rush. Whatever the case is, before you pull the big job, stop and think about what you are stealing. Value? Ease of disposal should be right up there on the top of the list. A franchise owner of a McDonalds has been hit twice. Yes, two times. Not for the cash register, not for the wallets of the employees and patrons, not even a Big Mac, but the Ronald McDonald statue. After the first theft of the most famous mascot of all time, the franchise owner cemented the beloved Ronald to the floor. Not to be deterred, some crazed criminal stole Ronald again! Is there a demand for large, cumbersome red headed, yellow suited clown statues? The estimated dollar amount of Ronald is $2,000 but you cannot put a price on the joy he brings to all those waiting in line for their junk food fix. Now the bigger problem. Where do you sell Ronald, EBay?
  10. Criminals know your vegetables. Late one summer night a young man was driving by a field and noticed that what ever it was that had been growing there was now being harvested, placed in burlap bags and set by the side of the road for pick up in the morning. His young criminal mind saw an opportunity. He quickly jumped out and hauled two, 100-pound burlap sacks to the trunk of his old Chevy. The bags felt lumpy in the hot summer night. He knew he had 200 pounds of fresh potatoes that he could easily sell to the guys at work. Leaving his bounty in the trunk of his car for the weekend, he switched vehicles and took off for a couple of days of fishing. Two hot summer days later, he returned to his car, thinking about the extra money that he was going to make selling off his stolen tateAs he approached his car, he noticed a horrible odor. More than an odor, it was a stench, unlike anything he ever smelled before. Had a skunk gotten into the car and died in the summer heat? He covered his nose with a rag and opened his trunk. His eyes started burning and watering. Was it toxic waste? What the heck was in those bags? He grabbed the top of a bag and opened it. Much to his dismay, he was the proud owner of 200 pounds of garlic. Now with the trunk open the smell permeated the block. Once suspicious neighbor with a “nose” for crime called the sheriff. It was easy enough to trace the bags, since the name of the ranch was on them. So much for the great garlic heist. By the way, the old Chevy ended up going to the junk yard; nothing could get the stench out.
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User Comments
  1. Scaramanga

    On November 19, 2007 at 4:20 am

    OH MY GOD! That is some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read! Dumb Crims.

  2. Nelson Doyle

    On November 19, 2007 at 12:51 pm

    Hahaha…I really needed to read something like this, because it has been a stressful day. Funny article and something to think about if you want to be the next person to be listed on the 10 Most Wanted List and not the America’s Dumbest Criminals tv program.

  3. george

    On November 20, 2007 at 1:24 pm

    this was hysterical. i love the third guy who called customer support.

  4. jodi

    On November 20, 2007 at 1:30 pm

    That is really funny. Do you have any more?

  5. Judy Sheldon-Walker

    On November 21, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    These situations are funny and you have a knack for telling them. Thanks for the laugh. Don’t you love criminals who aid law enforcement?

  6. louie jerome

    On November 22, 2007 at 6:32 am

    Yes, a good laugh.

  7. Jeremy Mullin

    On November 22, 2007 at 9:09 am

    Bwahaha! I love stupid criminals. Me and Jay Leno. Makes me feel better about the state of our justice system sometimes.

  8. samuelkaplan

    On November 23, 2007 at 9:54 am

    haha! very nice article!

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