The Chain of Abuse

That is where I got my low self esteem and never having anybody to depend upon, except for myself, I did tend to get depressed and suicidal from an early age.

So when this guy that told me he loved me and that all the other people were bad, I did believe him. Yes, I did start to get some friends and I felt happy around them, but at a certain level I did mistrust them and broke up.

There was step two: victim isolated.

Yes, my partner became the only person in my life. He did act as if he encouraged me on doing what I liked doing and writing is one of those things, since it is about the only thing I know I am good at.

But that was not all: the violence begun.

And this is why I write this blog: abusers often know how to get away with it and criminalise their victims. That also happened to me.

I got raped by the guy I loved and because of that got serious mental trauma. I lived in state of deny and somehow … got back to my boyfriend, since I could not believe what had happened to me.

He rejected me and bullied me off in a way that I snapped and ended up in a mental ward. It was there that the real problems begun: they treated me as the abuser!

I was blamed for what had happened to me by therapist, because I was too deep in to talk and they just listened to the other party. When I finally recovered and made it the press charges against that guy, I just got charged back again and I ended up in legal problems.

So here I was: feeling even more down than before. Doctors called me anti-social as a kid, because I did not play with others. It was all my mistake that they did not like me. I had to be taken out of class for therapy and became a bigger scapegoat.

Now I was the one being raped and I was considered to be a stalker and whatever.

But then I met my husband. He did not rape me or anything. He just hit me from time to time and since I got used to being hit by everybody and they all told me I was such a pain in the ass I deserved it, I just took it as my punishment.

After 10 years my relationship ended. I lived in total terror. My husband did not allow me to work. He claimed I was too stupid for it. He did not want me to blog or do anything to get in touch with the outside world. I could not even manage my own bank account. If I tried to plea for a little freedom, he just hit me and grabbed my throat. When I tried to speak up, he called me a liar. He is in therapy right now, but still denies the facts.

For him I am just an abuser and even when he had to appear in court for beating me up, he still has no regret and claims I am the bad one and he has to defend himself against me.

Now I am tired of it: I do not want to get loud. For me it is enough: my husband wants to shut me up, just because it suits him. Yes, he was a victim of his mother’s fist, but he worked it out on me and believed to be right.

That is why I do feel people should speak up. I am not going to shut up talking because this is how I will remain a victim. I do long to have a normal relationship and hope to have children of my own, but I do not think I will if I just keep all my pain inside.