Child survivors of child sexual abuse often think the abuse is their fault, but when perpetrators talk about the abuse they do, it is clear who is at fault. It is not the children. Children do not “ask for it.” Perpetrators take advantage of children for their own emotional, sexual, and sometimes financial, gain.

Perpetrators rarely think of child sexual abuse as abuse. They believe sexual abuse is many other things, such as love, affection, play, comfort, a thrill, a high, a teaching moment, or payback.

For many, sexual abuse is love. These perpetrators say they have fallen in love, what they do is love, they are having a love affair with the children, they want to run away with the children, and they want to marry them. They make claims that the sex is mutually pleasing. They often become angry and disgusted when they hear that someone else is sexually abusing children. “String them up!” they say. In their minds, what they do is love while what others do is abuse.

Those who see sexual abuse as play giggle and joke about the sexual touching they do or have the children do to them. They may play games like “You show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.” Some feel like children themselves. Many men who abuse boys establish a kind of “buddy” relationship with the boys where wrestling and “horsing” around lead to sexual contact.

Sex abuse as comfort is common among perpetrators. Some say sex with children is a “fix”-it fixes them when they are feeling bad. Others say the only time they feel good is when they are have sexual contact with children.

Sometimes perpetrators see themselves and the children they victimize as soul mates. For them, life is hard, and they think it is hard for some children. They seek children who appear sad to them. In their way of thinking, their sexual behaviors comfort and soothe hurt, sad children. Sex abuse for them becomes an act of kindness.

Those who seek thrills and highs experience sex with children as the greatest feeling in the world. They would do anything to get the high that sex with children gives them.

Still others see themselves as teaching children, often their own biological children, how to make love. They would rather that their children learn from them rather than some scruffy teenager.

Some are rough and mean, deliberately hurting children. In their own minds, they believe children deserve to be hurt and damaged. They may confuse children with other people who have hurt them, and they think they have a right to take revenge on children. Children are scapegoats.

Here are the words of a father who could described what he did in some detail and stated how he felt. Absent is concern for his daughter’s well-being. He lived with his wife, three children, and a cat.

One night I was making my regular rounds through the house, making sure the kids were in bed, the doors were locked, the cat was in and stuff. I had gone down to my daughter’s room. It was very dark. I leaned over to give her a kiss goodnight. When I went to brace myself on her bed, I actually touched her breast when I kissed her on her cheek.

It was just like a shot of electricity through my body. I went upstairs and went to bed and tried to forget about it, but it was just racing in my head. I didn’t go back down in her room for several days after that. Eventually, I did go back down there and the same thing. Kiss her on the cheek, but this time when I touched her breast it was intentional.

Then progressively it got to the point where I went down there, and I would touch her breasts over and under her pajamas while she slept, or I believed she slept. I would touch her with one hand, and I would masturbate with the other.

Children Understand Sexual Behaviors Differently

Children do not understand sexual behaviors in the ways perpetrators do. Children do not have the experience, the emotional and cognitive development, and the brain development to do so.

For instance, a thirteen year-old girl believed that her uncle was trying to love her. She said, “I didn’t like him the way I like boys.”

Sexual acts are a mystery to children. A girl whose grandfather abused her for six years, starting when she was three, said

Grandpa used to do it on the boat. He had sort of a grin on his face. White stuff came out.

Another girl, age 10, said her teenage babysitter sort of did push-ups on her.

A six year-old boy who was abused for a year and a half by a fourteen year-old neighbor told his mother that his body was made so the older boy’s penis could fit inside him.

These examples show that children do not understand sexuality and sexual abuse. They also do not understand that perpetrators take advantage of them for their own sexual gratification. Children become confused by sexual acts, whether done by people they love and trust, by acquaintances, or by strangers.

Some children take pleasure in the attention but the sexual contact makes them afraid and ashamed. Andy, a man in his mid-twenties, reflected on the sexual abuse his teenage uncle had perpetrated when Andy was between eight and elven years old. He said

I felt like he cared for me, and that was pleasurable to me. I don’t think specifically the sexual act was that pleasurable for me because it was more uncomfortable. I was scared, but I know it was probably the first time I felt there was an adult who really cared for me, and that made me feel good. That was pleasurable. So it may be that I wanted to–maybe not sought out, but enjoyed the time with him, but not specifically the sexual acts, but just feeling cared for by an adult. I think I liked that.

I’d never thought my parents did [love me], and in some ways today, I still don’t believe that my parents love me. He was the first person who like spent time with me and did things with me, made me feel like I was okay. That confuses things there and makes it worse, because I was scared and then I felt cared for and I was confused, and yet he made me feel better.

I mean in society it’s such a taboo thing. Sexuality as a whole when you’re such a small child, you don’t learn about that. You don’t know about it. You just know that it’s wrong because you don’t pull down your pants for someone, because you don’t expose your genitals. You know that that’s all wrong just from growing up.

Perpetrators Have Sole Responsibility

Children also do not realize that the only persons responsible for the abuse are perpetrators. A lot of non-offending adults do not realize this either, and children may be blamed and stigmatized for being sexually abused. There are many aspects of child sexual abuse that many parents and other non-offending adults do not understand.

Nothing about children causes sexual abuse. All children are vulnerable to being sexually abused. Those who are sexually abused have the misfortune to be in the presence of perpetrators, and there is no one there to protect them. Children with disabilities are especially vulnerable to sexual abuse.

In the long run, survivors benefit when others hold perpetrators responsible and accountable for their behaviors.

The Best Case Scenario

When children have been sexually abused, the best case scenario means that the children are surrounded by people who love them and who believe them when they say someone abused them sexually and do not blame them. The best case also includes parents who provide love, safety, accurate information, predictable routine, and access to therapy and to professionals who can help them deal with their power feelings of guilt, shame, and powerlessness. Children’s recovery depends upon empathy, understanding, predictability and a sense of safety, and accurate information.

Children’s recovery is given a big boost when perpetrators take responsibility for the abuse, accept the consequences for their actions, seek the help they require to stop themselves from sexually abusing again. Apologies in person or by letter to the children and other persons they have armed contribute to recovery. This should only be done when children are ready and are in safe situations that will protect them from any hint that the perpetrators blame the children.

When perpetrators have the courage to do this, child survivors are relieved from the guilt, shame, and stigma that are part of being sexually abused. The adults in their lives have evidence in the words and actions of perpetrators that perpetrators alone are responsible, not the children, and that the perpetrators’ behaviors hurt the children.

Over time, recovery means that the children understand that someone, often someone they loved and trusted, hurt them psychologically and sexually. Recovery also means that survivors have capacities to cope with, adapt to, and overcome the effects of the abuse. They know they are good persons who are worthy of the respect of others and self-respect. They have confidence in themselves and have the love and support of family and friends.

They do not forget that they survived sexual abuse, but they have integrated the effects of the abuse into their understanding of themselves. They live full and rich lives based on their capacities to cope with, adapt to, and overcomes the effects of the abuse.

Children can and do recover whether or not perpetrators take responsibility for their own actions if they have the support, love, and understanding of family members and other persons who are close to them.

Some survivors are well into adulthood before they find the empathy and understanding that enables them to tell others about being sexual abused. This brings them relief and emotional freedom. Some live their lifetimes hurt by the effects of child sexual abuse.

You can read more about child sexual abuse in Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse, a book available on Amazon Kindle and at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. A free download of a book that is not finished and has typos in it is also available at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. It’s called Child Sexual Abuse: Survivors, Mothers, and Perpetrators Tell Their Stories.