Cremation: 10 Steps to Keep From Getting Burned
by Cremation, if it’s for you, then you’ll want to follow these ten easy steps.
- Crank it up. The last thing you want is low or medium heat: this will only prolong the adventure without adding any sizzle.
- Skip the sunscreen. It’s hard to find an SPF high enough to handle a cremation, and it only makes it smell like coconuts.
- Measure the opening. Don’t be fooled into using a crematorium for pets and get stuck half way through: it would only get your dander up.
- Wear sunglasses. That’s right, go out with style! Plus those flames are some bright!
- Lay still. Pretend it’s an MRI: lay very still so you don’t bang your head on the ceiling and end up with a helluva migraine.
- Feet first. Enjoy this, it will be a one-time experience and you want to be able to hear the crack, sizzle and pop.
- Get naked. You already got burned when you bought those designer jeans, why go through it again?
- Tune into You-Tube. Nothing quite like sharing those intimate moments, plus your family can profit by selling off the rights to World’s Funniest Videos.
- Pick-A-Jar.com. Make sure you’ve picked out your jar if you want your ashes kept together. Last thing you want is Aunt Gertrude putting you in a bunch of old cat food containers.
- Validate. Make sure your parking ticket is validated, just in case.
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Post CommentDebra.
On February 19, 2009 at 5:59 am
That’s good to know, Clay. We all got to go sometime. Might as well prepare.
Sotiris
On February 19, 2009 at 7:28 am
What Cremation?
Sotiris
On February 19, 2009 at 7:28 am
What is Cremation? *typo
Lee Altman
On February 19, 2009 at 9:46 am
Good info. I never really thought about until now.
rutherfranc
On February 19, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Sotiris – it is the practice of burning cadavers instead of burying them.. and the ashes are placed in urns or spread out in the sea and as from an article I read, it can be now scattered in the moon if you are rich enough..
Clay Hurtubise
On February 19, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Hope everyone realizes that this is a spoof….
Cremation has many advantages, the latest being the ashes can be turned into a diamond like stone… however, it is best to be dead before being cremated!
Thanks,
Clay
Blue Buttefly
On February 19, 2009 at 6:26 pm
cremation or sun bathing?
Clay Hurtubise
On February 19, 2009 at 8:27 pm
MJPatrick, one is just faster than the other!
Clay
Ruby Hawk
On February 19, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I didn’t know about the diamonds. I’ll give that some thought. My better half wants his ashes scattered along the trails he has walked.
numismatic
On February 20, 2009 at 6:21 am
This is funny i thought he was speaking about cremation to as well, well they way my luck is going for the beginning of this year I just hope to not get burned!
its winter time here no sun, very little tanning here, chillie about 28degrees.
Maria Blazz
On February 22, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I think this article would fit better in Purple Slinky so the humor would be more appreciated. If you ask Triond editors they can change it, I’ve seen that before. Anyway, it’s just my opinion.
BC Doan
On February 24, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Clay, I have to say I like your sense of humor! Those 10 steps could also be applied to cremation
Denise Kawaii
On March 1, 2009 at 9:38 am
The title of this article really piqued my interest, and your tips didn’t dissappoint! I plan on being slow-roasted myself…
kate smedley
On March 22, 2009 at 5:14 am
So funny, the point about already being burned when buying your designer jeans was hilarious.
aaron paul hicks
On March 22, 2009 at 7:18 am
haha i really liked this article………very comical and a good read…..thankyou Aaron.
Mrs M
On March 26, 2009 at 6:13 pm
A funny and odd way to think about being cremated. I try not to think about death
Makes me a tad sad…but way to lighten the mood.
CHAN LEE PENG
On March 27, 2009 at 4:03 am
I like the tip no 8 and 9. Fun reading here, thanks.
ladybaby
On April 26, 2009 at 10:04 am
I had to laugh at this one. I expected something completely different. I liked it.
Cremation Diamonds
On June 4, 2010 at 6:54 pm
We just had my mother’s cremations turned into a diamond. It was the perfect memory.