Do You Carry Out Death Wishes or Not?

When my son died at the age of 29 and I suddenly found myself making funeral arrangements. My son, father of four beautiful girls, was struck as he walked across the road by a car (moving 65 miles an hour). He was killed instantly.  My life hit all time low. It’s something no person sould ever have to face, the death of a child.  Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Your child making funeral arrangements for you when you die in your old age.

The shock of his sudden death sent ripples of cold emotions all through me. My whole world centered around that moment in time. If seven years later you think that that moment has ever passed I can tell you that you have never lost a child. The first thing I think of every morning and the last thing every night before I go to sleep is my son. I have two other son’s and the fear of losing them is paramount in my life.

My son somehow had a sense that death was approaching. He had made a lot of his funeral plans. He wanted cremation as opposed to  burial. He had chosen who he wanted to speak at his service. Where he wanted his ashes to be spread. My son loved music and he had even chose his music he wanted played.  Since his  nine year old daughter and him shared a song they both loved,  that became the song to send him on his way.

Now you say, if he planned every thing out whats the problem? Well its not that simple, coming from a religious background cremation sounded like hell.  There’s the question of do we have a family night? Do we view the body or not? Do we order an urn? The questions grew as the pain deepened. I felt as if my heart would burst out of my chest.

The arguing between my family and my former husband’s family made the experience a nightmare. The one thing that made me stand tall was my two remaining sons. They wanted their brothers wishes carried out with a few changes. Cremation was also their choice.  I was so terrified about the idea.   Just to be honest I was clinging to this idea that my son was not really dead.  I hoped for a miracle like he would just sit up during the funeral. So I planned a family night with the body there, just in case. I also planned his funeral with his body  there , so it could be viewed, just in case . My sons needed that closure and I did to, even though at that time I was in so much shock and realization had not set in.