Grief and Loss

Either way there is a large part of grieving that is unexpected and unexplained. It’s the bits that you have to deal with long after the tragedy has taken place. The mental and emotional damage, the suppressed fears, distortions of the mind, all of these things are the post traumatic effects of loss.

I would like to write this article to promote the awareness of the after-after effects of loss due to death of a loved one. These are the long term effects that subside deep within the sub consciousness and psyche of the mind. It is common amongst friends and other people to hold the view that a tragedy is something that happens, you process and eventually adapt to and “get over”. While this is the general path an aggrieved person takes it doesn’t necessarily mean that after a year or so that person has mended completely and the occurrence no longer has any substantial effect. It is also common for those grieving to believe this is the correct path as they too are unaware of the post traumatic effects it has. It is normal in this situation for the grieved person to feel emotions of guilt for not of having healed. You begin to ask yourself questions such as “why am I not over this?”, “am I not strong enough to get over it”, “how come I still feel sad”, “why can”t I move on”, “everyone is sick of hearing about it”, “I must be a bad person if I can’t let this go”. The fact of the matter is that when you have lost someone near and dear you never “get over” the event. Death and tragedy is not a matter of being torn and repaired but more a matter of learning to incorporate the experience of the event into who you are. You are now someone who has experienced a tragedy. The loss of loosing that special person is an adaptation, not a recovery. You are not “broken” but “changed”. It is therefore important to allow people the lee way to find room in their character and personality to incorporate this change.

One significant change that can occur is a sense of heightened sensitivity to the fragility and insecurity of love and life. People who have suffered loss may feel more compassion for human kind, life is not so concrete. You may become more aware of peoples feelings and feel angry when people are insensitive to each other. Anger is an emotion embedded in loss that dwells long after the event has subsided. It is set off easily and often expresses itself in unexpected ways. It is common to feel angry at the world; as if it has stolen unfairly from you and that it is evil and cruel. Loss provokes questions such as “why me?”, “why them?” and feelings of “it”s not fair!” and “how could you!”. The griever has to learn where to put these feelings and how to deal with them. On top of this it is also common to feel mad at the person whom you have lost, mad at yourself for feeling mad and mad at the world for letting such a horrible thing occur.