It’s Just a Name
by Fool am I?
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The lingering death…one thousand slices of Chinese torture pales when compared to the psychological destruction of the soul by a lifetime of abrasions, gnawing doubts and shavings of the heart. Shards of self ingested by a fathomless evil whose name is flesh. From the time of self realization we are infused with limits of longevity and doubts of a worthiness to exist at all. This wretched thing…I…cursed with a heart that yearns for the divine yet is burdened with a mind that does not believe; instead requiring a manner to know and measure with certainty beyond the capability of self deception.
Is each moment precious or is it simply another crack of existence through which to inflict yet another cut to the essence that is me? Is there more to the constant drudgery of instinct to survive, or am I wasting the precious seconds of my life serving those who do not value theirs? Is it possible that in every effect of our lives a precursor cause was generated for the benefit of my learning…for the expansion of my being? Is the reality perhaps far more mundane and I struggle only to keep my head above a pool of industrialized sapian bile for as long as the blood can be squeezed from my bones – to be simply discarded and digested by worms of inevitability when I am of no further use?
The priests of high spew forth words of learning and a promise of savior – all one needs is faith; faith that all is not for naught; faith that in every beat of my heart there is reason to wish for another and faith that if there is no other that a loving hand will rise me to the heavens of evermore. A blind faith cannot be accepted by a mind that questions yet faith demands it asks none. Why should this be accepted? Why settle for less? Why can’t I demand that God reveal himself to me – prove an existence to those raised from the earth – to those who are prepared to kill for an arbitrary definition of that one source? If God exists then he is deaf for he does not hear my pleas. If God is not deaf then she must be mute for she does not reply to my weeping. If God is not mute then it is indifferent to my suffering, and that is perhaps the most horrifying thought of all. God…it’s just a name…for fool am I.
Still I hear the urgings of the eternally deluded that it is faith that sustains us. Perhaps they are correct. Discarding my cognition I do, regardless, feel there is more to that which is me – I do actually sense an everlasting soul. Is the soul though sustained through faith alone? Is that sense simply yet another subconscious construct to convince me to succumb to a declared higher power? Is it there simply to protect me from that self destroying concept that after death there is no more? What happens to the soul if faith is removed? Does it exist at all? Without the sustenance of belief will it decay into the ether as did my desires for a glorious life? I suspect it does.
From a state of ignorance but an insatiable desire to know the preached unknowable, there are those that declare that they have found another way, an understanding drawn from a personalized experience. The enlightened throng whispers that direct communion is possible. It is advised to not surrender to faith but instead look within to find the holy of holy sitting within the temple of my very being. Thus I sit in stillness and search for that which has never before been found. I wait for the inane chatter of a murderous ego to subside and in a surprising instance of neglect it withdraws. Finally the veil is lifted and there is simply…
Void…
Emptiness…
Obliterating coldness of space…
Yet still there is something…
A hope…
That I am wrong.
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Post Commentlillyrose
On September 20, 2009 at 11:26 am
That gave me chills. It reads like a very serious Play (thats a good thing!)
Casey Mack
On September 20, 2009 at 12:03 pm
This is something that might have been written by myself (though with less skill and ability to hold the reader’s attention) as recently as a few months ago.
I hope you find what you are looking for, or, as in my case, what you are not looking for.
Great write.
Littlekid137
On September 20, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Wow that gave m the shivers because it is true. Your language is very strong and well written. Nice work Duff
Katie Marie
On September 20, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Been at that place myself before. Asking for that revelation or experience, and receiving nothing, and yet still unable to let go of that hope. My thread of hope was not disappointed but I did not find the answer on my terms or timing. And perhaps that’s part of what made the impact upon me, I was taken by surprise. Will you find it within or without? My answer would be both at the same time. We are more than blood and bones, we are spirit as well. You have communicated well the questions many of us walk through in this life.
Johanny Lisbeth
On September 20, 2009 at 6:08 pm
wow dude! this is the best part of visiting this website, no matter how I feel it all goes away for an instant when I read your articles.
Ruby Hawk
On September 20, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Duff, we are born with that knowing that there is something, We don’t know what it is. We are not advanced that far yet. But the knowing is there and that is enough.
kate smedley
On September 21, 2009 at 5:30 am
Wow dude some really food for thought, I had to read this twice, it’s a dark one for you but brilliantly written.
I agree with Ruby, we won’t know what it is in this lifetime but there is something.
clay hurtubise
On September 21, 2009 at 10:23 am
Nice change of pace from your older pieces. Well done: if I get there before you I’ll you a message!
Thanks,
Clay
BullwinkleMuse
On September 21, 2009 at 10:25 am
These sorts of eloquently searching queries are, I believe, not only the beginning of wisdom, but evidence that there are in fact satisfying answers available. Great write, my friend.
Marie Milton
On September 21, 2009 at 12:36 pm
A very deep and sullen write there Duff…and because of that…I like it!!! : ))
STEVE666
On September 21, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Wow! Heavy stuff–well written. I think everybody has pondered on that question, Duff, even the most devout.
LOVELYHONEY
On September 23, 2009 at 7:56 pm
with so much free sex around
the wprld poplation will stabilise in year 2040
at 12 billion people
the deaths and births will average out by then
u will see perhaps
i will be out CANDLE BLOWN OUT /OFF
XXElleXX
On September 30, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Hey ‘Koala Boy’..hehehehahaha…
‘In a spring, when woods are getting green,
I’ll try and tell you what I mean:
In summer, when the days are long,
Perhaps you’ll understand the song:’
‘For this must ever be
A secret
Kept from all the rest
Between yourself and me.’
All this time the Guard was looking at her,
first through a telescope,
then through a microscope,
and then through an opera-glass.
At last he said, ‘You’re travelling the wrong way,’
and shut up the window..
Phill Senters
On October 31, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Seems like everyone searches for it Duff. Some are satisfied with simple answers while others want to see and measure, touch, or hold it in hand. I guess I’m in your boat, “Just believe” doesn’t get the job done. great write Dude.