Respect for The Living Dead
by Why do we pay our respects to the dead? Isn’t it too late by then? Should we not show more respect for the living? Specifially what about the living dead?
Not zombies, or vampires, those are “undead”, the living dead are really all of us. Anyone who is alive, and especially those who are near death are the living dead. In many cases these people are treated worse than we treat dead people. Seldom visited, until after death. Why?
Image via Wikipedia
Does anyone really like going to funerals? Probably not, but in some cases it is the one thing that brings people together, their need to pay their respects to the dead. Often people will make the effort to attend a funeral of a person even if it is somebody they haven’t bothered to see alive in years.
When my first husband lay dying in the hospital I phoned his relatives to let them know. His brother made plans and flew in right away. His aunt said “If there is a funeral, call me”. I replied “There is no point in coming then, is there?” and hung up. My husband was conscious, but very likely aware he was not going to survive. The aunt rethought and did come.
I never understood what the point was of attending a funeral. The dead cannot show their appreciation for your turning up at a funeral. There is a pretty good chance that they do not know you are there. How can it be said that showing up at a funeral is “paying respects to the dead?”. In reality showing up at a funeral is more to show support to the loved ones left behind. For me I considered it a slap in the face, for a person to want to come to a funeral for a person they had not seen in years.
Similarly if a person actually wants to show their support to the love ones left behind, showing up at a funeral is a poor way to do so. Offering flowers to somebody long gone. What really counts in this respect is how a person commits in the days or weeks following.
I remarried, when my current husbands mother previously passed away he found himself rather lost. He had been the sole care giver for her as she had Parkinson’s disease and had been predeceased by her husband. Although many came for the funeral, “to show their respects for the dead” none stuck around after the funeral to respect the living.
Then there is the on going issue of not speaking ill of the dead. Why not? We all know people who have died that were not such terrific people. Imagine a child who had been severely abused by somebody. Now the abuser lay dead and the child hears only how wonderful that person was. Do you not think the child is just dying to hear one person speak honestly about their abuser? Do you not think they want to shout out the truth? Respect for the dead sometimes ignores respect for the living.
Image by e³°°° via Flickr
In old age homes people rot as they await death. Some get no visitors, others are abused by their supposed care givers. The old are easy victims of crime. It is more common to see them treated disrespectfully than treated well. In some cases even their kids do nothing more than wait for them to die so they can get their inheritance. People who do not even bother visiting these folks while they wait to die are the first to show up at the funeral.
The mentally ill are also treated with disrespect, as burdens on society. As living dead, they are all but ignored or become the butts of jokes and ridicule.
When we think of our dead, we need to remember our living. We need to respect the living before they die. We need to remember that death is unavoidable, and that the dead probably don’t even notice our respects paid to them. The living are the ones who we know will notice respect, or lack there of. Isn’t it about time we show some respect to the living?
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Post CommentDarla Cooke
On October 12, 2009 at 2:13 pm
A very interesting article. My Great Aunt Ruth recently passed away and her daughter was actually relieved to have her mother gone. The daughter went so far as to ask the hospice workers if they could give her mother something to make her die sooner. They’re not allowed to do that, so the daughter wasn’t too happy. This was a few days before Aunt Ruth’s death, and she was still very alert and talking to everyone at that time. It’s like the daughter wanted her mom out of the way. I guess she didn’t want to be bothered having to take care of her any longer. The daughter barely shed a tear at the funeral.
Sourav
On October 12, 2009 at 2:18 pm
hmmm…. interesting!!
ken bultman
On October 12, 2009 at 2:57 pm
You pointed out many truths in the article. Too many people go to funerals to be noticed by the survivors and other mourners and not to mourn themselves. Eulogies are a bit tedious sometimes. Darla’s comment is not uncommon, I’m sure.
Jo Oliver
On October 12, 2009 at 3:33 pm
When my grandmother died we did not have a “public” service for her. She had long told us that she didn’t want people crying and flaunting around her in death that had talked about her like a dog while she was alive.
mo hoyal
On October 12, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This was a really good piece, B. Thank you for writing this-it is so true. I lasted exactly one week at a local nursing home. I quit and told the manager that the people were being disrespected, not being properly cleaned or cared for. I just couldn’t bear to see what went on and you are right about what goes on in nursing homes, till today! The abuse got so bad that family are now putting monitors or video cameras in their loved ones rooms as a means of protection for them.
A really good article!
Brenda Nelson
On October 12, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I also wonder how many suicides could be prevented if people paid attention to those people on the edge of society.
I am very much like Jo’s grandmother in that I do not want a fancy service, or any service when I die.
Diverseblogger
On October 12, 2009 at 4:39 pm
What an interesting piece. It is very true because my parents next door neighbors children could not wait until their parents died and I was just mad that they would say something like that. Keep up the great work B.
Snooky
On October 12, 2009 at 8:09 pm
The morning before my husband died, I was talking to him as he was working on some wood and for a moment I thought I saw a palor go across his face, thought nothing of it then but later that kinda threw me. Did I actually see death come over him. Right after that I went into the house for a drink of water when I came back out he was dead. At the hospitol the staff wnted to know why I was so calm and not moaning and groaning and crying I must be in shock. No I told them, I was happy because he went quickly and did not suffer and I knew he was still with me. Know his ashes are on my night stand & from time to time I can hear him walking through the house checking on things. I have seen that same palor on a couple of friends since and sure enough they were gone soon after. And I really believe ill & aged people know when their time is up and if they are ready and accepting we should be supportive of their impending piece.
Ruby Hawk
On October 12, 2009 at 8:50 pm
I agree we should respect those who are living and the survivers of those who die.We are all human and have the same needs. I was very sad at my mothers death but I was glad to see her out of her pain.
Karen Gross
On October 12, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Very good article, B. I think that we spend way too much money on funerals
Julia L. White
On October 12, 2009 at 10:08 pm
We spend numerous hours mourning people after they are gone, sometimes people we don’t even really know well. Sometimes I wonder if we would have liked them as much or still be in touch with them had they lived.
clafleur
On October 13, 2009 at 12:41 am
B Nelson, i think some people jst like going to funerals
Louie Jerome
On October 13, 2009 at 4:09 am
Food for thought. I certainly agree that it is pointless going to the funeral of someone you never bothered to see while they were alive.
lillyrose
On October 13, 2009 at 5:22 am
That was a brilliant read, it made me sit up and think! yes you are right and I have heard this often before. We must learn to respect the living before we can respect the dead! Lovely passionate article, thanks for sharing.
Eunice Tan
On October 13, 2009 at 5:53 am
Sometimes the dead give us good example, so it is good to memorize and remember their kindness
Leonardo da Vinci E.
On October 13, 2009 at 11:22 am
A challenging topic on how we should approach death in society, and a thoughtful wake up call to show appreciation to the living…before it is too late.
www.fionabeck.com
On October 13, 2009 at 11:33 am
Very well written and absolutely correct
Lostash
On October 13, 2009 at 11:57 am
Funerals are funny things! All these odd people and distant relatives sitting around, drinking tea and muching on cucumber sandwiches. Everyone being so ‘polite’ and like you say, half of them don’t even want to be there! On the other hand, they can be good for seeing long lost friends or relatives. I’ve been to one or two nice funerals.
Adam Henry Sears
On October 13, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I agree with you. There are people who wait too long, taking time for granted, holding unnecessary grudges; and instead of building bridges, they burn them down. It\’s a shame that. It\’s true that respect is much more credible for those who live. However, because there is life, there is reason for hope. Because of hope, there is courage, and courage is the foundation of many of life\’s sweeter and more steadfast amenities, for it takes courage to enjoy them, in spite of all fears.
Parish Loveless
On October 13, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I do not think the dead would mine if we were to focus more on the living
Although it does seem pretty common place, especially in the society of the USA, to focus on individual needs versus a collectivist culture. I do believe that the United States is the only country that has “old folks” homes. There is actually a holiday for remembering the day, so perhaps people could focus that day for what it really is for – All Hallows Eve(Halloween), Dia de las Muertas, etcetera
We only die once and for a very, very long time ….
CA Johnson
On October 13, 2009 at 7:11 pm
This was a very interesting article. You brought up some really great points. It is much better to be there for people than to wait until they die and then try to make things right with the surviving members of their family. One of my cousins passed away a few months ago. My aunt didn’t spend that much time with her at all until she found out that my cousin was going to die. My aunt is one of the Trustees of her will and once she passed away, my aunt jumped at the chance to show up.
deep blue
On October 18, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Well written. Sometimes we had odd ideas regarding funerals. It’s actually an informal family reunion or forum in tribute to the dead person. But as most happens, the living has vested interests to benefit from the occasion except those next of kin who have sincere thoughts on the loss of their loved one.
Daisy Peasblossom
On October 25, 2009 at 9:08 am
When my mother died, she had left very specific requests about her remains–and my behavior. She said, “Do NOT spend lots of money on me; don’t cremate me, I have always been afraid of fire; don’t have a long, fancy funeral–your grandmother isn’t strong enough to stand up that long; don’t buy a fancy headstone–and don’t worry about tending the grave; take care of your children. Tend the living, I won’t care anymore. Don’t view the body, remember me as I was when I was well.” She had been ill for three years; I won’t say I was a good daughter. I tried. I did my best, but our relationship was frequently stormy. We spent Sunday afternoon together before she died. I told her I loved her, and she would always be my mother. I wasn’t able to be there with her when she died in the nursing home three days later, because of transportation problems. Each day I try to honor her last wishes–care for the living.