The Death of a Mother
It is as if time has stood still, and nothing any longer matters. All the things that I thought were so important to accomplish out of this life, at this moment I can not even remember. I think about my mom and how much she suffered and wonder if one or two things in her life would have been different, developing alternate endings, perhaps her life would have not been filled with so much sorrow.
I cried for my mom this morning, and probably will continue to cry every morning after, though the physical tears may one day subside, the internal ones will never end. We learn to live with her dying but I will never accept the way she died. I wish that I could die in her arms with her to make a statement against the awful life she had lived. Someone decided that life was not good enough for her, and tormented her every day of it.
I wonder; maybe if I had only been there, maybe if I had not been so busy living my life, maybe I could have saved hers. I used to wonder why people doubt there is a God, now, at this moment, I affirm that doubt. Where is He? Why did He choose not to save her? And how after such a long life of pain and suffering, He would allow her to die in such a way?
To add insult to injury my mom did not die, right away, as of this point she is still alive, but everything I once known her to be, is dead. She exists somewhere in the midst of a chaotic shell, a human storage unit with all her hopes and dreams tucked away in some mental box, in a remote corner of her mind. She, once filled with vibrant life, now stare motionless into space. I wonder what her thoughts are, I wonder if behind her eyes, which occasionally move from side to side, up and down, if she is still there or is it the remnants of someone who used to gloriously be. There will no longer be three hour talks on the phone, no more laughing in unison, no more swapping of sorrows, no more praying for one other; I will continue to pray for her, but she cannot return the favor. The essence of who she was is gone, final answer, gone.
I ponder the chance that she will snap out of it and interrupt death’s course and return unto her previous self. Maybe if she could just hear my voice and God hear my prayer, maybe it will trigger something to start something, a revival of sort, to save her from the abyss she is held captive by. Death flee from her, God restore her, is she not your child, your creation? Is it not You that decides who lives and who dies. Stop my sorrows heal my pain, do not orphan me again, help me to accept Your choice and hide me from my loss, the lost of my mother.
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JCGentry
On September 25, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I read this, and have to say that you must not blame yourself for not being there. Your mom will not blame you for living your life. That’s what she gave you life for… so you could live it. Live, love, and cry, when you need to. She loves you. She knows.
Bob C
On September 30, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Drell,
I did lose my mother many years ago and she did have the opportunity to realize and accept she was about to leave us at that time. She was diagnosed with Leukemia and the doctors said she had less than 30 days to live. She did die in my arms and went very peacefully—-she also had a difficult time in her short 52 years raising 4 children as a single parent of which one is mentally challanged but still active and thriving in todays society. I was only 28 at the time and it was very difficult missing my best friend for the years to come. I still to this day have those spells and wonder why she was not allowed to enjoy a longer and even better life; but then again I know she is safe in Heaven at this time!
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