The Importance of Letting Your Children Attend the Funeral of a Loved One

The passing of a loved one is a difficult time that rocks the heart of any family. As an adult, we have the experience of life to prop us up and had years to develop the philosophy or beliefs that may bring us the comfort that we need in our time of grief.

My sister and I were kept away from the funerals of our grandparents when we were younger because my mum always maintained that this was no place for a child. As a result, we were both approaching adulthood before we attended a funeral and we were absolutely terrified.

I understand that my mum was trying to protect her children from the sadness of life and the sombreness of occasion but actually this just served in time to give us an unhealthy fear and curiosity about death that for a while became obsessive.

It is important that children see and experience the cycle of life when it is happening and when it is present. Our children attend christenings and weddings, yet often, in the sadness and confusion of our own grief, the decision is made to keep them away from the all important goodbye that is the funeral of a loved one.

When my father died, his funeral was a family affair. My sister brought all of her children to the crematorium for the ceremony, one of which was just a babe in arms. Preparing them for what to expect was an important part of the process and without the need for detail it was possible to explain that all of the people who loved our dad would gather to say goodbye. We explained that some people would probably cry and that was because they were sad they would not see him anymore.

During the ceremony, they joined in with the songs and prayers, and dealt very well with the order of events. We chose to leave the service as the curtains were drawn and explained that this was the time that their granddad was taken to heaven.

After the service, the children were a welcome feature at the wake as they ran around laughing and dancing in just the way that children do. The adults were so responsive to them and made a big fuss of them all, reminding everyone of the joys of life run directly alongside our sadness.

Some years later, at my Auntie’s funeral, my nephew asked me on the way to the service “can you tell me what will happen when we go inside?” It had been some years since my father had died and my nephew was looking for some reassurance and clarity as to what to expect.

I said “lots of people would be there that loved Auntie and there was sure to be lots of her flowers – you know how she loves flowers!”

I continued to say “The vicar will say a few words and prayers, then we will sing some songs and the vicar will probably ask if anyone would like get up and say a few words about how they will remember Auntie the best.”

My Nephew, only 8 years old, then said to me “will I be allowed to say something about Auntie?”

During the service, the vicar asked if anyone would like to share their memories of our Auntie. My nephew put his hand up, and understandably we were all a little nervous as to what he may say. But sure enough, he went to the front of the room and announced “The thing I will remember most about Auntie Elaine, is sitting on the bed with her and eating some cake!”

Children understand that adults are sad, even when we do our level best to hide it from them in an attempt to protect their own fragile hearts. It is so important that we give a level of honesty to children and do our best to explain things in a factual and sensitive way that is appropriate for their age. They will reach their own level of understanding that like us will develop over time.

Death is a part of life and saying Goodbye is an important part of the grieving process.

People will remain divided on the issue of children attending funerals but if we are to allow them to grieve in their own way and talk about their feelings, we need to give them the opportunity to participate. After all, they too have lost someone they love and could possibly grow up with the only image of death having been experienced through unrealistic circumstances like horror films.