I was introduced to college life in September of 1961 at what was once the Cumberland Valley State Normal School at Shippensburg Pennsylvania. In academia, names are more important than substance, so over the years that institution was renamed Shippensburg State Teachers College, then Shippensburg State College and now Shippensburg University of Pennsylvania.

My major was math, but by necessity I learned to navigate in a land of confusion, lost records and hostile staff. I’ve experienced academia, as a student, an employee, and a parent of college students. I’m sharing my knowledge with those embarking on this a trek to guide them safely across the murky waters. This glossary is prerequisite to effectively deal with these formidable bureaucracies.

A. C. T. American College Test. This admission hurdle is not considered necessary if the person is over 21 years old but is required for younger admissions. This provides an opportunity to demean younger people.

ACADEMIC FREEDOM The right of faculty members to make total fools of themselves without being held accountable for their actions. Rarely do any of these so-called expressions of freedom in any way contribute to the educational environment, the welfare of the student, the pursuit of knowledge or the good of the institution. Attempts to suppress this freedom are met with cries of Nazi, Fascist, pigs.

ACADEMIC This phase of learning consumes a small percentage of the resources of the institution. It does not include the important aspects of college life, Athletics, Fraternities and Sororities, and Publishing.

ACCREDITATION Official recognition of an educational institution. The accreditation process is one that strikes terror into the hearts of all in the institution. (What if they really find out what we’re doing?)

ADMINISTRATOR Generally a figure-head, promoted, according to the Peter Principle, to his level of incompetence. Placed here, he can do no harm because his subordinates know his inadequacies. No important decision is passed to his level.

ADMISSION The big hurdle, “can I get in?” During the sixties, when five students were competing for three openings, admission approximated a camel going through the eye of a needle. With the statistics reversed, the process is a mock one and no matter what impression is given, the requirements now are alive (this can be waived) and possessing or able to acquire funds.

ADVISER A person employed by the college to advise to students. Advisors have three sets of conflicting objectives. The college must make money. Optimum return is achieved when classes are full of part time students or full time students carrying a minimum number of credits. Full time students are a drain on finances if they take more than the minimum number of credits. The advisor is secure if his department continues to have adequate enrollment hence it is in his interest to keep the student in the department as long as possible. The student, in most cases wishes to complete his under-graduate degree before qualifying for Social Security. These goals conflict and generally the student comes out on the short end.

ASSOCIATE DEGREE A technical degree qualifying a person to do useful work. Since it is practical rather than theoretical, it is looked down upon in most institutions. Students in associate programs are treated as if they have a bad disease, by “real” students, the faculty and the institution. In colleges with Associate programs, these graduates are segregated from the other grads. Academia would drop these programs but alas, it too has been corrupted by the almighty dollar. Associate programs bring in real money and many of the students are part-time, the most profitable product.

BACHELORS DEGREE A four year degree, no longer valued. One is not educated without at least two doctorates. Colleges continue to confer bachelors degrees for three reasons. First, without them there would be no raw material for the beginning of real education, the Masters Degree. In addition, the conferring of BA and BS degrees finance a whole lot of other things the college holds dear. Finally, without the young males in the BA and BS programs, colleges could not operate as farm teams for professional sports.

BRANCH CAMPUS Smaller campus affiliated with the main campus. According to the party line, these provide “on par” education with the main campus (and they generally do) but the branch degrees have less snob value within academia. In their hiring, promotion and post-graduate entrance practices universities reinforce the idea that the “branch campus” is not as good as the “main campus”. Of course, the word leaks out and the students suffer for it.

CAMPUS The physical college or university including the football field, sports complex, gymnasium, residence halls, administration buildings, organization offices, dining halls, heating plant, maintenance building, student health facility, faculty offices, and least important, the library, classrooms and labs.

CATALOG The advertisement for the college. With declining enrollment, it is the most important college publication. In spite of the environmental stance of most of academia and the awareness it will be outdated in one year, it is printed in large numbers on glossy paper to make it durable. More recently there are video tapes too. Many colleges are assuming the prospective students may not be able to read and hence are having video tapes included with the catalog. Who knows, a star quarterback may go elsewhere if that institution provides a video catalog showing an attractive field. Who cares about scholars, they’re not so easily influenced.

CLEEP Credit for life experiences. One can earn college credit if acceptable life experiences have provided educational equivalence of the course being CLEEP’d. This sounds high-minded but it provides the faculty with the opportunity to avoid the embarrassment of having someone in a class with experience in the real world.

COMMUNITY COLLEGE Locally operated two year college. Generally this provides a college opportunity to a student who cannot afford to go away to school. It is looked down upon and courses offered are sometimes shunned by “real colleges” when the student tries to transfer them. The student may have fulfilled the academic requirements but because of the lower cost structure, the student didn’t pay as much so it must be inferior. The “real” educational system is deprived of the income it needs to continue to operate as-is rather than determining if it can reduce costs and be more effective.

COMPREHENSIVE The only valid exam. The student is actually responsible for all of the material taught in the class, not just a portion of it, as they will be in life. Many students cram for a test and forget the material the next week. The important thing is the grade, the degree, the paper chase, not the education to make the person valuable to self and society, if any of this material or the thought processes are remembered.

CONTINUING EDUCATION This is a real business opportunity for academia. If adults can be convinced they must continue to take classes, or better yet be required by law or employer to do so, the student continues to be a good customer (see PART-TIME STUDENT). The idea is educationally sound, education should be a continuing process, but the emphasis is on taking classes, not a personal program of study, reading, belonging to peer groups, etc. which are also important. These would not create revenue for the college and are thus not the concern of the college.

CREDIT BY EXAM A method of obtaining credit for a course by taking a test to determine the person has gained the proficiency elsewhere. It has no benefit to the college but has been instituted to avoid student revolts.

CREDIT-HOUR The basic unit of monetary value and elapsed time attached to a course.

DROP AND ADD The practice of instructor swapping when students find an easy instructor has been replaced by one who takes education and his duties seriously. This course is dropped and another with a more friendly (less demanding) instructor is added. Education is a partnership between the instructor and the student — and education doesn’t happen if the student’s participation is lacking, but this gets lost in the paper chase.

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES A euphoniums for sports. When an institution wants to improve its image by indicating it is interested in more than athletics it uses this title. To disprove this, student government is always mentioned along with religious groups and academic clubs like drama, math, physics, and journalism. This is window dressing, when the money is divided in the back room, the big bills go to the athletic department and whatever loose change the athletic department can’t scoop up and carry is left for distribution among the other groups. These groups frequently provide vital life experiences and educational opportunities but are forced to survive on miniscule budgets.

FEE The money charged. Since academics are purists, the handling of filthy lucre is handled by the Business Office. One exception to this is the honorariums for faculty members who are called upon to speak at events. This money goes directly to the speaker.

FULL-TIME STUDENT A student taking at least a minimum number of credit hours. A student at minimum hours may complete the requirements of a Bachelors degree in five years. Many third year students learn they must attend two more years to accumulate the needed number of credits. To accumulate one hundred twenty eight credits in eight semesters one must take sixteen per semester but this escapes many students. So much for the efforts of high school mathematics teachers.

MASTERS DEGREE A person seeking this degree may be serious about education.

MID-TERM A test given at the middle of the term. This test is significant because everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. If the instructor does not give a comprehensive final, students can begin forgetting the material covered in the first half of the class. Why carry along this baggage?

NON-TRADITIONAL STUDENT As a general rule, a student over twenty five years old but like sociological terminology denoting a group to be given special treatment, it has been expanded to include younger students who have children or did not begin college upon high school graduation. With the current trend, the number of non-trades will soon exceed the traditional students.

OBJECTIVE TEST A test containing questions to be answered by definite answers, generally true/false, multiple choice and short answer tests. These are a boon to students who skim material and cram because they can generally guess a significant amount of the answers without really understanding the course material. They penalize students who really understand the material because these students may understand enough to have a problem deciding between two choices, one superficially correct and one actually correct. Objective tests are preferred by instructors because they require less time and effort to grade and can be graded by assistants.

ORIENTATION A period of time designed to acquaint the students with the college or university. This can cover a variety of subjects including how to locate restrooms. If this is covered, it is sometimes the most useful and relevant information provided in the sessions.

PART-TIME STUDENT The most cost-effective customers. These students generally pay full price for every credit hour. In addition they tend to use less of the expensive resources, recreational areas, housing, dining facilities and health care. They provide other income in the form of full-price parking permits and unlike the full-time students, they pay full price in the food service areas. They are always last in line for class allocation. These are the best customers and get the worst treatment.

Ph. D. The only real degree. Other degrees are only stepping stones to this degree and have no value in themselves.

PLAGERISM The copying of someone else’s work that is forbidden for students but permitted and overlooked as long as the professor is in favor with the powers that be.

PREREGISTRATION An alleged opportunity for the student to avoid the chaos of the registration period by registering early. This gives the registrar two opportunities to harass, demean and antagonize the students and most registrars are adept at fully utilizing every opportunity.

PREREQUISITE A course that must be completed before another one could be taken. Sometimes these courses have no relevance but are useful in providing additional income for the college.

REGISTRAR The sadist responsible for the chaos students are subjected to in the various clerical processes of the college.

SCHOLARSHIP Funds available to students to defray the cost of higher education. Although need and academic status are considered, athletic ability is generally more likely to earn a student big bucks than academic status. Scholars are a dime a dozen, real football stars are rare.

STUDENT RELATIONS The practice of faculty members having intimate relations with students, a practice some institutions prohibit, many tolerate and some ignore. Some universities permit this if the faculty member isn’t able to influence the student’s academic status. Of course there is a risk that all faculty members are in some way able to provide this influence, no matter how distant in the same institution.

TEXTBOOK The basic documentation for the course. Unfortunately the decision to use a particular textbook is more often driven by the royalties it will bring to the professor than by the book’s relevance and excellence.

TENURE The system that allows academics to attain untouchable status if they survive for enough years. Competence is not the issue, either for tenure or after it is granted.