Bullying
Most people refuse to accept that bullying is a normal part of life. We accuse others of it, while accepting no role on on our. We blame teachers, but perhaps we need to look closer to home.
My Experience
Before you accuse me of not being knowledgeable, let me say I was indeed bullied as a child. As I remember it started when I was in grade 6, and continued into High School. A certain group of girls who had earlier been my friend, suddenly turned and found me the butt of every joke they could play. When it was just me and one of them, things were great, but in pairs, or as a group it was vicious.
The meanest attack was one staged and set at one of the other girls 14th birthday party sleep over. Her parents were away, I left in tears and never told anyone what happened. Years later I ran into her parents, and wish I had been able to tell them the truth, that I thought their daughter was a heartless disgusting b*tch.
That said, I still think bullying is normal.
Boys bully with more physical means, while girls often play mental games.
Nature
In nature, and we must remember humans are animals too, animals bully one and other for dominance. We all know about the “pecking order” in chickens, but sheep, wolves, fish, and even our pet cats and dogs all bully as a way of establishing a social hierarchy. As such it can be said, bullying is normal.
At Its Worst
Sometimes bullying becomes excessive to the point of causing bodily harm. Even pet owners will break up extreme fights between their pets. Sometimes bullying becomes so severe those affected exhibit a change in personality, becoming depressed, even suicidal, or want revenge on the bully.
Yes, I would love to go back in time and kill every one of them. To this day I do not make friends, or put much work into maintaining any kind of friendship. I value animals more than people. But, I still assert bullying is normal.
Blame
Although it is normal, one of the saddest things is that everyone blames everyone else for causing and contributing to bullying. Teachers often get blamed, although in my experience most bullying occurred outside of school hours. The teachers did not cause the bullying, parents, peers and siblings, did.
- Parents – Parents who are bullies will have children who are bullies, parents don’t even see their own bullying behavior because it has become such a part of them. This can take many forms, from the parent who bullies the child, to the parent who bullies their spouse, to the parent who bullies their co-workers or employees. Even if the child does not see the act, they hear the parent talking about it. Kids hear their parents talking about other people, making fun of them behind their backs and so on.
- Peers - Peers are a child’s biggest role model after their parents. If a peer does something negative it is easier for the child to quickly access the situation and decide what “side” they want to be on. Do they want to stand up to the bully and say “Stop picking on that kid” or would they rather join in than risk themselves being a target? For most kids the decision to join in seems like the safer choice.
- Siblings – If an older sibling is taking their frustrations out on a younger one, then its natural that the younger one in their own turn looks for a place to lash out. In turn a child might watch their sibling bully a “friend”.
- Television – A lot of shows do not directly teach bullying, however there are many shows that teach “teasing”. Shows that teach us that laughing at others misfortune is okay, even if we somehow caused that misfortune. Slapstick comedy is a dangerous thing for young children to watch.
I never found the Three Stooges to be very funny.
How can we Change?
Well, we really cannot, it is in our nature to find our place in life, be it the top or bottom. Most parents would rather their children be a bully than a victim, although few would admit that. However here are some things we can do if we want our children to be those who is somebody in the middle, and hopefully somebody who will stand up when bullying goes to far.
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Do not talk about co-workers, or friends, negatively behind their back in front of your children.
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Lead by example, if you see somebody being wronged, stand up for them.
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Do not allow your children to bully your pets.
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Do not allow your children to bully each other or their friends. Step in the second you see things go too far. This typically starts at a very young age. By the time they are teenagers it is often too late.
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Show compassion to other people and animals, teach compassion.
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Do not bully your child, or they in turn will look to take their frustrations out on others.
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Do not be a victim either, do not spend your days looking for attention because you feel sorry for yourself.
The Irony
The irony is that the more sensitive a child is, the more bullying they will probably face. A bully feels power when an opponent shows weakness. In the victims mind since they themselves would never be mean, they think that by showing they are hurt, that the bully would stop. However it only escalates as the bully enjoys seeing the reaction.
Coming to Terms with Bullying
I have grown up, I would not allow myself to be bullied now, and nor do I bully anyone. I spend more time worrying about animals, but yet I feel great sympathy for human suffering as well. Bullying is not limited to our school years, it happens in the work place and “real life” too. We see it on the time on Reality Television, the only difference is that as adults we have learned coping skills.
Bullying is normal and natural, it is a part of growing up. Talk to your children about it, find out where they are in life, and why. If we can make bullying less severe, then we have helped in a small way, but to blame others is not going to help anything. We all play our roles.
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User Comments
Evelyn Moore
On April 21, 2009 at 2:36 am
Important article this – bullying is one of my pet hates. I have luckily never been on the receiving end. I think it is important to state that despite this lack of personal experience I have been painfully aware of the problem around me. I have always felt the pain of others and always done what I can to stop such activities.
I do think that as parents, teachers or people in a position of authority we should find a way of teaching children to make the practise of considering how others feel part of their normal daily life. Not just a suggestion once a child has been found being unkind.
My mother taught me from a very early age to actually take the time to imagine being/living in someone else’s shoes. To consider how those people actually feel, what was making them happy or sad. I was taught to stop and do this thinking all the time and in some ways it has drained me during my life as I am worn with other people’s pain.
As an adult I have dealt with any possible bullying absolutely ‘head on’. When I was working as head of a large department it was clear that there was bullying of some members of staff. It would make my blood boil and I would confront anyone making others unhappy. I would simply point out that I would jump on them every single time it happened, that anyone making others sad/unhappy would have me at their office door. You know it worked so well. It just stopped – people just needed to meet an immovable force – that was me.
As you say we are all animals – and that is the starting point for dealing with this – all animals will eventually submit to a stronger force – I believe that there should be no ‘pussy footing’ about with bullies, stop them dead – no discussion about how we need to ‘understand them’ just make sure they know that their behaviour will bring unpleasant consequences each and every time they cause unhappiness.
I am sorry for your pain – thank you for writing this.
Anne McNew
On April 21, 2009 at 2:55 am
I’ve never been bullied in my life, and i do not know what i am suppose to do should people do it to me. hehehehe
papaleng
On April 21, 2009 at 4:05 am
My dad use to say, don’t let anyone bully you, you must fight for your right. a very interesting article.
Darla Smith
On April 21, 2009 at 7:44 am
Interesting article.
Mark Gordon Brown
On April 21, 2009 at 8:32 am
Well timed around the anniversary of Columbine – a rapage that started because students were bullied, not only by other students – but teachers too!
Jo Oliver
On April 21, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I have always been tall and athletic…so I can not say that I know what it is like to be bullied. However, I can say that my parents taught me to treat others as I would want to be treated. I can not think of a single time that I ever bullied anyone, but I have always been for the underdog.
I for one wouldnt want my child to be a bully or bullied. But if the choice was only that, I think I would actually want her to maintain her angelic nature and not be the bully.
This was an A+ article. Well written, presented, and factual.
RJ Chamberlain
On April 21, 2009 at 8:33 pm
As a teacher I see it everyday albeit on different scales, mostly amongst girls and its usually verbal. Sometimes children dont even know what bullying is.
Nice work B Nelson. It needs to be addressed but the question is how?
RJ
Daisy Peasblossom
On April 21, 2009 at 9:36 pm
While I agree that we are mammals, and mammals establish a pecking order, bullying carries normal one-up-manship to a painful degree. One of the ways to combat the problem is to model the behavior you expect; expect students to be kind every time–and enforce the behavior, even though you can’t change the feelings; work on ways to phrase needed correction that is specific yet kind. This article reminds us that we must come to terms with our own nature. In spite of her own experiences, I see at the end of it, “I would not allow myself to be bullied now, and nor do I bully anyone.” That is the kind of decision that has to be made individually for bullying to end.
Scout
On April 22, 2009 at 2:19 pm
That was a powerful body of work in it’s entirety. Thanks for your openness and yes it is that which life holds out or deals out for us, it is hope we come to grips with this , makes us stronger over time and perhaps through articles like this, shed an understanding and a hope to those that have lived or are living a nightmare.Thanks again for sharing. Irish Blessings
Emma C S
On April 25, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I agree with you here, for the most part. Like a lot of things there’s a vicious circle: to educate the child, you must educate the parents, to educate the parents you must educate them as a child (in most cases), but to educate the child you have to educate the parents. My mum is a teacher, she keeps saying pretty much the same thing.
I don’t think television is that damaging, but other than that I agree with you.
Martie
On April 27, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I really liked your article. And you did a good job of getting your point across.
A.L.Smith
On May 13, 2009 at 11:07 am
Great article.
scout
On May 14, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I have just recently come across your work and I have to say it is informative and indeed very knowledgeable. From the heart and honest.I admire this piece especially as many can relate to this at so many different levels.
If you ever get a chance drop by my profile and read my take on the bullying aspect.It is never easy to deal with it, some manage better than others, those that do succeed are the lucky ones.
ladybaby
On May 18, 2009 at 8:51 pm
I hate bullying. I was bullied as a child because I was too skinny, and I had a learning disability. I was an introvert and terribly shy as a result. I did not over come it until I was well in my middle age. You don’t forget the pain of it. Those who bully do not realize the harm they do. Talking about it needs to be done, so it can be curbed. Thanks
Verena
On August 3, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I think the section in your article about the things we can do to stop bullying is great and bang on. I have done these things in my life but not consistantly. In high school I hated bullying yet saw it all the time. I was not strong enough to stand up and say stop, and none of us want to be the target next! I did what I could, befriending people that were ‘different’ and trying to help bullied people feel better after the fact by saying something sympathetic or befriending them.
As I grew up I would do something if I saw bullying. I often have stopped where I could see something was going on (don’t we all instinctively know?) and I told the ‘gang’ to stop or the bully to stop. Bullies often will talk back but they end up respecting the fact that the person said something and will think about it later. I have spoken up to stop vandalism and such too when others said, be quiet, that kid will do something to you. We should not all have to live in fear of others. Making them accountable, being the one to stand up, is the right thing to do. Just be safe!
I do think that human nature ‘makes’ us do a lot of things and parents who are uninformed or busy often do not teach children that they need to curb natural instincts. BUT as people, we all are responsible to change NOW in our lives and to always think about others and how they feel.
I do believe that people need to learn forgiveness and to let go and trust people again. There are a lot of good people out there worth knowing. Just because someone looks like a princess (and believe me I did) does not make them rude or a bully or hiding something. I had my own set of problems by being too pretty and cute when all I wanted was to be left alone. I won’t get into my suffering, and believe me, I did suffer.
I also saw the result of bullying, my friend’s son at 12 commited suicide over it and I am very anti-bullying.
I also believe that you need to move on and create something new so that you generate good vibrations in and around you. This girl who had the sleepover (yes I read the other story about the clown) may have been bullied as much as you by the others at the sleepover. The true culprit was likely one girl and then the madness of the crowd takes over. I’m glad you did not say anything to the mother you saw, imagine if that woman had lost her daughter or whatever. You cannot know what others suffer, only yourself. Think about that, what have others suffered? I believe that Karma will take over and ‘teach’ people what they need to know. Meanwhile your not letting go and forgiving will keep a hole of suffering in your soul.
Blessings to you and may we all create a new world where we all love and understand each other.
B Nelson
On November 4, 2009 at 11:06 am
If anyone wishes to read the account of the bullying at the sleep over it is here
http://www.authspot.com/Biographies/Hating-Clowns-and-Friends.760713
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