How to Pass Your Exams Without Killing People

Panic

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Most exam guides will tell you to try not to do this.  But do, please.  Take time out to run to the most isolated place (to avoid the quizzical stares of family and friends) that you know and scream your head off with sheer, unadulterated panic.  Go wide-eyed and frenzied, howl at the skies, and scramble around in the mud.  Then get over it.  Quickly.  After you have run around like a headless chicken for a while it gets tiring, tedious and can lead to stays of indeterminate periods in secure institutions.  The time is ripe, after this first mindless outburst, to take stock of the situation and do some serious planning.  It will also substantially decrease the likelihood of you committing homicide in the run up or aftermath of your examinations.  Ultimately, remember that exams are not the end of the world.  This is.

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P&P: Planning and Preparation

Murder, done well, is always planned.  Strange how they call it malice aforethought, shouldn’t it be ‘malice with lots of thought’?  Yet, so it is with examinations.  If you do not know the exact dates of your exams, find them out. This may induce a physiological condition in your primary educator know as ‘sarcsasmo perplexus’ where they will utter phrases which they think are laden with irony (but that would be ‘ironia perplexus’) wondering why the question is only now being asked.  The condition is temporary (even though the eyebrows may take some time to recede from the bald patch) and if you can convince them that you are (starting to) become serious about passing your exams, you will have achieved an important step (see also Make a Timetable).

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Next, set out a timescale, by yourself, which indicates when each exam is and separate the days between them.  Work out how long you have got until each exam.  Find out what days of the week they are on and what time.  Do not panic, that is past (see Panic!). Do not involve your parents in this.  These are your exams, not theirs and you must take ownership and responsibility for them.  However, as expletives often offend try and be talk reasonably with them about what their role should be (see Get People On Side).  Things can get out of hand without civility and matricide and patricide are considered serious crimes in many states.  Neither will your sentence be reduced if you claim exam pressure as an extenuating circumstance.