Asian Mothers are All the Same 1

Rule of the thumb:  if you are Asian and your friend is Asian, never let your mothers meet.

Asian mothers have two modes of behavior: societal mode and domestic mode.  This article will summarize some key concepts of an Asian Mother’s SOCIETAL MODE.

Societal mode occurs when there are outsiders present, such as friends, strangers, relatives or even the UPS guy.  You may notice that your mother is suddenly smiling a lot, laughing a lot, and kicking you under the table when she thinks no one is looking.  She may joke about your embarrassing habits, and then shoot you a death glare when you protest.  Her voice becomes louder, as if she were battling the other chatty mothers for the floor, and her stories become more exaggerated. 

Example

Asian Mother (AM): Did I tell you about my son?  Ah that boy is SO SMART, but SO SLOPPY!  His underwear is everywhere in the house. 

Fellow Asian Mother (FAM): Well my daughter is even worse!  She never, ever showers.  Maybe once every two weeks, if we’re lucky.  I remember when she was a baby, she used to cry when I put her in the bathtub. 

AM: -laughs- Well my son, despite his poor life habits, is on the fast-track to MIT!  Isn’t that right, son?

Son: -mutters- I just applied there.  I didn’t get in, yet.

AM: What was that?  -smiles while kicking underneath the table- You don’t want to go in?  That’s ridiculous!  Unless you’ve received your acceptance letter from Oxford, already?!

FAM: You know, my daughter  applied into ten schools and got into all of them!

AM: Wow, that is so amazing!  Son, why can’t you be like that?  Which schools did she apply to?

FAM: The Ivies.

AM: Oh, really?  I hear their reputation is receding this year.  Best stay with MIT.  Right, son?

There are quite a few things to note in this imaginary dialogue.  First and foremost, the most common topic among AM’s are, of course, their kids!

Second in line is comparing those kids through the art of bragging, subtly shooting the opponent down and laughter…even when it’s really not that funny.

And what do we mean by comparison?  Of merits, grades, talents, accomplishments, and, most importantly, colleges!

Yes, they are quite gossipy creatures.

If an AM’s child is amazing, this will earn her more respect and admiration among the other FAM’s while they are in society mode.  At home, however, those FAM’s will start scolding their children, making them feel generally inadequate, and badmouthing the AM and her child, saying neither of them are really that great.

Here are some frequent topics:

1. Colleges and the admission process

2. Grades (GPA)

3. SAT’s, scores, and SAT tutors

4. How many AP’s

5. Tutors

…basically, a miniature college application.

Second-string topics involve, yet again, their children.

6. Relationships and dating; their children’s love lives!

7. How their children should get married (your mother is joking.  If you really do decide to date your mother’s friend’s daughter/son, prepare for a beating)

Third-string:

8. Their husbands, their husbands’ jobs, their husbands’ incomes

9. Vacationing (usually in Vegas, if they live on the west coast…SoCal in particular)

10. Political parties from their homeland

11. Shopping and haute couture.  To the Asians, there are really only a few brands in existence: Louis Vuitton (pronounced LV/EL-VEE), Chanel (pronounced Sha-Nayo), Dior (prnounced CD/SEE-DEE), and, the not-so-haute lines that are all the rage in Asia: Gucci, Prada, etcetera.

Domestic mode coming in Part II.  There, we will attempt to expose the secret lives of Asian Mothers when they are behind closed doors. 

While an AM’s societal mode may seem dry and superficial, their true quirks emerge inside the house.  Funnily enough, even then, they’re all still the same.